{"id":12140,"date":"2015-09-25T15:18:15","date_gmt":"2015-09-25T07:18:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=12140"},"modified":"2026-03-08T01:33:05","modified_gmt":"2026-03-08T00:33:05","slug":"deciding-hard-limits-safe-words","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/deciding-hard-limits-safe-words\/","title":{"rendered":"Hard Limits & Safe Words"},"content":{"rendered":"

Telling your partner about your fantasies can be one (nerve-wracking) thing, but actually deciding to go for it is another. Exploring BDSM with a partner you trust can be sexy and fulfilling, but before you run to the bedroom with whip and handcuffs in hand, we have a quick list of to do\u2019s before you do it.<\/p>\n

Write Things Down Before You Write them Off<\/h2>\n

It needn\u2019t be as formal as the contract in 50 Shades of Grey<\/a>, but is extremely valuable for each partner to take the time to list out some specific kinks that they are interested in, are definitely not interested in, or have heard of but are unsure what they entail.<\/p>\n

It can be simplistic, because it\u2019s for starting a conversation. So if you write down \u2018spanking<\/a>\u2019 for example, that could mean, \u2018being spanked or \u2018spanking you or \u2018spanking with a hand but not another object,\u2019 and you can specify from there. If you both do this independently it can make of you both feel more comfortable putting down suggestions without worrying the other person will think it\u2019s too out there.<\/p>\n

Hard & Soft<\/h2>\n

Beside each term, check a box for yes, no, or maybe (and be honest, this is about your pleasure and shouldn\u2019t be influenced by how you think it will be perceived.) This crucial step is how you communicate your \u2018soft limits\u2019 and \u2018hard limits.\u2019 A soft limit is a something that you might be ok with, but with specific conditions or only in specific situations. A hard limit is something that you or your partner absolutely does not want to happen, and needs to be respected.<\/p>\n

As a note, hard and soft limits are not just for a submissive partner to agree on. There are\u00a0 stereotypes about what Doms (and subs) are like<\/a> and what they enjoy, but in reality they can be quite different. Dominant partner may, for example, not be comfortable using certain words during dirty talk<\/a> to humiliate the submissive partner\u2015this hard limit needs to be respected as much as a submissive partner\u2019s.<\/p>\n

A Little More Understanding<\/h2>\n

You can truly put anything on your list (the more the better) including things that may seem \u2018out there\u2019 because you\u2019ll truly be preparing each other for more scenarios, but be prepared to be understanding and non-dismissive if your partner expresses genuine interest. Think about how much trust they put in you to not be judgmental in discussing their deepest desires<\/a>, and helping fulfill them if you both agree. Also be understanding if your partner just isn\u2019t comfortable performing certain acts. If you\u2019re suggesting something they\u2019ve never considered, they may be comfortable trying it and decide they don\u2019t like it, or they may decide they\u2019re ok doing it sometimes for your pleasure. Or maybe not at all.<\/p>\n

In any case, trying to guilt-trip your partner is going to make anyone more enthusiastic about doing something they may not be personally into. Not everyone is going to be into your ideal role play<\/a>. You can make a decision about whether it\u2019s a requirement for sexual compatibility<\/a>, but deciding that means that you are going to have to find someone who is willing and enthusiastic about participating. And trust us; there are a lot of websites devoted to finding people interested in every kink under the sun.<\/p>\n

One Little Word<\/h2>\n

\u2018Picking a safe word\u2019 is the kink step most people have heard of, so it doesn\u2019t bear too much explanation. Decide on a word that\u2019s easy to say and not something that\u2019s likely to come up during the normal course of play (like \u2019whip\u2019). You can pick different words to slow down or stop the play.<\/p>\n

If you are incorporating something that limits one partner\u2019s ability to speak (like a ball gag) you should decide on a non-verbal cue as your safe word, like a tap.<\/p>\n

Put it to Good Use<\/h2>\n

The point of a safe word is to make you feel safe, so if you feel like you\u2019re going to disappoint your partner by using a safe word, or if your partner gets angry when you use it, then it\u2019s not a safe word is it? Trust in BDSM<\/a> is crucial, and you need to be able to trust your partner to respect your need to slow down or stop, and they need to be able to trust you to let them know when you\u2019ve had enough.<\/p>\n

Keep Talkin\u2019<\/h2>\n

You\u2019ve had that fun, sexy, and maybe a little silly conversation with each other, you\u2019ve got whip in hand and you\u2019re ready to race to the bedroom\u2026but don\u2019t throw out that list!<\/p>\n

Keep it around and revisit it with your partner. While full restraints started as a \u2018hard no\u2019 maybe after time it will become a \u2018maybe\u2019 (or vice versa). Maybe one of you has recently been turned on by thoughts of an act that was never on the sheet.\u00a0\u00a0 Don\u2019t forget that this list serves not only to facilitate conversation about both your desires, but also as a sexy \u2018to do\u2019 list for both of you to look forward to checking!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Enjoy 15% off LELO.com<\/a> with code VOLONTE15<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Telling your partner about your fantasies can be one (nerve-wracking) thing, but actually deciding to go for it is another. Exploring BDSM with a partner you trust can be sexy and fulfilling, but before you run to the bedroom with whip and handcuffs in hand, we have a quick list of to do\u2019s before you do it. Write Things Down Before You Write them Off It needn\u2019t be as formal as the contract in 50 Shades of Grey, but is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":12142,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[918],"tags":[347,525,575,271],"coauthors":[950],"class_list":["post-12140","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-bdsm","tag-bdsm","tag-better-sex","tag-kinky-sex","tag-safety"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nSafe Words and Hard Limits - Basis for every BDSM encounter<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Are you ready to explore kinky sex? 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