{"id":16082,"date":"2016-09-14T17:36:40","date_gmt":"2016-09-14T17:36:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=16082"},"modified":"2026-03-14T06:08:20","modified_gmt":"2026-03-14T05:08:20","slug":"what-makes-a-good-submissive","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/what-makes-a-good-submissive\/","title":{"rendered":"What Makes a Good Submissive?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"lelo<\/a><\/p>\n

It\u2019s a question that many submissively-inclined kinksters will struggle with at one point or another in their sex* life: \u201cAm I a good submissive?\u201d<\/p>\n

If you Google \u201cgood submissive\u201d you\u2019ll find any number of articles, forums and social media discussions about what constitutes a good sub. Generally, those conversations are populated by Dominants\/Dommes describing the attributes of a submissive \u2013 or attributes of submission in general \u2013 that most appeal to them.<\/p>\n

There are even categories of submission. One widespread article loosely defines nine distinct categories of submission<\/a>, from (and I\u2019m paraphrasing) a kind of casual submissive who likes it a little rough and only occasionally, to a total, live-in, full-time, limitless slave. Subcategories of subcategories upon subcategories.<\/p>\n

But there\u2019s a serious problem with the question \u201cwhat makes a good sub?\u201d The problem can be summarized like this: labeling a person\u2019s expression of sexual submission in terms as cut-and-dried as \u201cgood\u201d and, by obvious implication, \u201cbad\u201d, creates a false ideal of submission. It creates standards to which new and emerging submissives feel pressured to conform.<\/p>\n

The phrase \u201cgood submissive\u201d is a close cousin of \u201creal woman\u201d. The problem with the phrase \u201creal woman,\u201d as is demonstrated every day on social media, is that the impression of what constitutes such a concept is so subjective that the phrase itself has become self-defeating.<\/p>\n

One day we\u2019re told to reject the models we see in fashion magazines as unrealistic and embrace a curvier ideal. The next day we\u2019re told that anyone who self-identifies as a woman is a real women by definition. The next, we\u2019re told we should reject the definition completely. Whichever side of the fence you sit on in this regard, the point is that it\u2019s impossible to state definitively what a real woman is. It\u2019s a social construct and therefore subjective.<\/p>\n

Things don\u2019t get any more subjective than one\u2019s personal concept of reality, after all.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The same is absolutely true of the notion of a good submissive. A person\u2019s expression of consensual submission is so deeply personal that it often defines them. For many kinksters, their submissiveness is more like a sexual orientation than a kink. And you would never dream of asking a question like \u201cwhat makes a good gay?\u201d would you?<\/p>\n

Hopefully not. Because a question phrased that clumsily belies a poor understanding of the subject. There\u2019s no real set of behavioral characteristics that define someone as gay. You just are<\/em> it, or you\u2019re not<\/em> it. Your behavior might sometimes depend on your sexuality, but your sexuality is never dependant on your behavior.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s strange then to realize that we don\u2019t apply the same standards at the exact opposite end of the spectrum. The most progressive among us might be a bit squeamish when we hear the phrase \u201cgood submissive,\u201d but we\u2019re not so quick to interrupt when we hear discussion of a \u201cbad Dom.\u201d Why the discrepancy? Is it a double standard?<\/p>\n

No, I don\u2019t think so. The submissive\u2019s role is (very<\/em>) broadly speaking to follow the guidance and instruction of their Dom. The (very broad<\/em>) definition of submission is the desire to relinquish control in a sexual context to the will of another. If we take that as a base point for comparison, then the broad definition of sexual dominance is a desire for power and control within a sexual context.<\/p>\n

You can immediately see that we hold subs and Doms to different standards, and as such, we can\u2019t be accused of having double standards.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s take a real-life fictional example. 50 Shades<\/a>. The female submissive, Ana, is certainly a bit of a wet blanket. Naive and inexperienced, she has charisma of a rabbit in the headlights. But she essentially does very little wrong in the grand scheme. Christian, the male dominant in the story, is arrogant, reckless, and abusive \u2013 manipulative, even \u2015 of the dynamic between them.<\/p>\n

So what\u2019s the difference? Christian Grey, as the dominant, has a duty of care. Ana doesn\u2019t. She can be expected to<\/em> care, but it\u2019s not the same as his duty of<\/em> care.<\/p>\n

Submissives are very rarely passive passengers in the D\/s dynamic. That smacks of exploitation. A healthy dom\/sub relationship is an equal and respectful one. Any time that you hear a Dom describe a partner as a \u201cbad sub,\u201d it\u2019s probably because that sub resisted the dom\u2019s abuse of power, not because of any intrinsic negative qualities on the submissive\u2019s account.<\/p>\n

There is no such thing as a good sub. But there is such a thing as a bad Dom.<\/p>\n

*In this article, for ease of reader understanding, we are using the words sex and intercourse as synonymous, as is done in popular culture in general. Similarly, we use the word \u201cforeplay\u201d the way it is used in popular culture (i.e., the sexual acts such as oral sex that come before intercourse). However, as aptly pointed out by our sex expert Laurie Mintz, we would also like to acknowledge that such language exalts men\u2019s most reliable rout to orgasm and linguistically erases women\u2019s most reliable route to orgasm\u2014clitoral stimulation, either alone or coupled with penetration. Indeed, only between 4% and 18% of women reliably orgasm from penetration alone. We look forward to the day when such language is not commonly used in culture.<\/p>\n

Check this out:<\/strong> BDSM Toy Tips for Beginners from Whips to Blindfolds<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Enjoy 15% off LELO.com<\/a> with code VOLONTE15<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s a question that many submissively-inclined kinksters will struggle with at one point or another in their sex* life: \u201cAm I a good submissive?\u201d If you Google \u201cgood submissive\u201d you\u2019ll find any number of articles, forums and social media discussions about what constitutes a good sub. Generally, those conversations are populated by Dominants\/Dommes describing the attributes of a submissive \u2013 or attributes of submission in general \u2013 that most appeal to them. There are even categories of submission. One widespread […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":101,"featured_media":16085,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[918],"tags":[347,909,575,780],"coauthors":[951,943],"class_list":["post-16082","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-bdsm","tag-bdsm","tag-fact-checked-by-doctor","tag-kinky-sex","tag-submission"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nRoles in BDSM: What Makes a Good Submissive?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Am I a good submissive? 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