{"id":16990,"date":"2017-01-17T10:01:12","date_gmt":"2017-01-17T10:01:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=16990"},"modified":"2026-03-14T15:13:54","modified_gmt":"2026-03-14T14:13:54","slug":"when-happy-relationships-lead-to-male-dysfunction-dr-dan-watter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/when-happy-relationships-lead-to-male-dysfunction-dr-dan-watter\/","title":{"rendered":"When Happy Relationships Lead to Male Dysfunction – Guest Post by Dr. Dan Watter"},"content":{"rendered":"

While common, erectile dysfunction<\/a> can have a number of causes, not all of which are physiological.\u00a0 Below, Dr. Dan Watter shares a story that he hears all too often in his practice: a couple that is healthy and \u201chas never been happier\u201d encounters issues with male performance in the bedroom.<\/p>\n

Lisa and Brian have always had a satisfying sex life, ever since they began dating two years ago. \u201cWe\u2019ve never had a problem before,\u201d Brian told me during their first appointment. But now he was experiencing erectile difficulty \u2014 he could attain an erection<\/a> easily enough, but would lose it not long after he and Lisa started having intercourse.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt just doesn\u2019t make sense,\u201d added Lisa. \u201cWe\u2019ve never been happier outside the bedroom. In fact, we just got engaged!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Lisa and Brian\u2019s story is one I hear frequently from the couples I work with as a clinical psychologist specializing in sex and relationship issues at the Morris Psychological Group in New Jersey. The details can vary: Perhaps the male partner has begun experiencing premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or another sexual concern. He and his partner usually come to therapy after his doctor has ruled out any physical causes of the problem. But when I start asking questions about the couple\u2019s life together, one underlying theme almost always emerges: Sexual dysfunction aside, they say, their relationship has \u201cnever been better.\u201d<\/p>\n

In Brian\u2019s case, he had finally proposed to Lisa after years of failed previous relationships. They seemed genuinely happy, and he was looking forward to their future together. Other couples describe similar positive changes \u2014 what I term \u201crelationship-deepening moments\u201d \u2014 such as moving in together or getting married. Until now, their sex lives have been overwhelmingly satisfying for both partners. This new dysfunction appears to have come out of nowhere and, at first glance, seems completely baffling.<\/p>\n

A Deeper Dysfunction<\/h2>\n

The surprising truth, however, is that this sexual dysfunction isn\u2019t occurring in spite of these relationship-deepening events\u2014it is occurring because of them. Couples are typically shocked when I explain this phenomenon. How could such a happy time present in such a frustrating problem? Understandably, the female half of the couple has her own worries: Has her partner lost interest in her? What has she done wrong? But this type of sexual dysfunction rarely has anything to do with the woman herself. Instead, its roots lie deep within her partner\u2019s subconscious, tied to his own personal history.<\/p>\n

In speaking with Brian, I began asking questions about both his childhood and adulthood, peeling back the layers of his life before he had even met Lisa. As we delved deeper into his past, I learned that Lisa was a bright spot in a life that had seen its share of heartache. Brian\u2019s parents had divorced when he was quite young, and he only saw his father a few times a year. His mother had passed away when he was in his twenties, and previous romantic relationships had usually ended when they got too serious. Lisa was different, he insisted, and he knew he wanted to marry her.<\/p>\n

Brian wasn\u2019t lying. He was deeply in love with his fianc\u00e9e \u2014 so why was his penis suddenly not cooperating? In my experience, this type of sexual dysfunction tends to occur when men begin to suffer existential anxiety in response to major positive relationship changes.<\/p>\n

In other words, all of their unspoken fears of abandonment, loss, and rejection culminate in panic that presents itself as a sexual problem.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Brian really did want to marry Lisa, but the prospect of serious commitment was bringing all of the angst associated with his past experiences to the surface\u2014even if he didn\u2019t realize it. Not every man in this situation is subconsciously reacting to abandonment issues. Others may be unknowingly panicking about what they perceive as a loss of freedom and autonomy, a response I often see in men whose parents or previous partners were extremely controlling.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s important to realize that this form of sexual dysfunction is very common and, as I assured Brian and Lisa, it can be treated. Often, just providing the couple with a narrative that explains the cause of the dysfunction can be enormously helpful, as it relieves much of the fear that the problem is the relationship or the partner.<\/p>\n

Most couples in this situation are baffled and afraid of what this unexpected sexual dysfunction means. For many men, this may not be the first time this has occurred. Taking a good history often uncovers that this has been the man\u2019s pattern in other relationships that may have become more serious and committed.\u00a0 Because these couples always have a strong sexual foundation, partner and individual therapy that focuses on resolving past trauma and loss can help get them back on track to achieving happily ever after \u2014 inside the bedroom as well as out.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Enjoy 15% off LELO.com<\/a> with code VOLONTE15<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

While common, erectile dysfunction can have a number of causes, not all of which are physiological.\u00a0 Below, Dr. Dan Watter shares a story that he hears all too often in his practice: a couple that is healthy and \u201chas never been happier\u201d encounters issues with male performance in the bedroom. Lisa and Brian have always had a satisfying sex life, ever since they began dating two years ago. \u201cWe\u2019ve never had a problem before,\u201d Brian told me during their first […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":88,"featured_media":16991,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[909,189,807],"coauthors":[932],"class_list":["post-16990","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-sexual-health","tag-fact-checked-by-doctor","tag-healthy-relationship","tag-sex-drive"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nHow Can Happy Relationships Cause Erectile Dysfunction?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"When ED happens to happy and healthy couples, the underlying causes can be surprising, but not altogether uncommon, according to Dr. Watter.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, 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