{"id":17791,"date":"2023-10-31T06:20:41","date_gmt":"2023-10-31T05:20:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=17791"},"modified":"2026-02-18T05:54:45","modified_gmt":"2026-02-18T04:54:45","slug":"dear-lelo-tell-partner-sti","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/dear-lelo-tell-partner-sti\/","title":{"rendered":"Dear LELO: How Do I Tell My Partner I Have an STI?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"lelo<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear LELO,
\nHelp! After an abnormal Pap smear, I was referred for a colposcopy\u2026 and have been told I have HPV. I have no idea who I got this from or when. My partner and I haven\u2019t been together very long – how on earth do I tell him I have an STD? I feel so guilty.
\n-Shocked, Terrified & Dismayed<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Dear STD,\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

You need to stop feeling guilty right now! According to Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), an estimated 79 million Americans are currently infected with HPV[i]<\/a> so you\u2019re definitely not alone! You have an STI (not a D<\/em> – more on that later). Given that American Sexual Health Association reckons more than half of all people will have an STD or STI at some point in their lives, most of which are eminently treatable, it\u2019s time to finally address that time-old question: what\u2019s the best way to tell a partner you have one, and do you even have to? (spoiler alert: yes you do!)<\/p>\n

HPV: More Widespread Than You Think\u2026<\/h2>\n

First things first: In terms of when<\/em> you picked up HPV, there\u2019s simply no way of knowing. A vaccination only became available in the US in 2006, and although uptake has been steadily increasing, it\u2019s generally only offered to preteens and young adolescents. That means a huge number of sexually active adults simply missed out.<\/p>\n

As infections go this one\u2019s particularly sneaky: it can lie dormant for years before any symptoms start to show. Those symptoms could be genital warts, or in some cases, certain types of cancer. That\u2019s what the Pap smear test you had screens for, and a colposcopy would have examined cells to check whether they show any signs of cancer or pre-cancer. For the most part, though, HPV won\u2019t cause health problems for carriers or<\/em> their partner.<\/p>\n

How<\/em> you got it is easier to answer: you had vaginal, anal or oral sex with someone who quite feasibly didn\u2019t even know they had it. Even if you\u2019ve been diligently using condoms since your first sexual encounter, HPV can lurk in areas they don\u2019t cover. In other words, you could\u2019ve got it from anyone – even if you did all the \u2018right\u2019 things. Unlike some other sexually transmitted nasties, this one isn\u2019t \u2018curable\u2019 as such – but caught early, the symptoms are totally treatable, and often the infection passes on its own. Currently, there is no approved testing for men to determine if they have HPV, so you can\u2019t assume your partner was holding out on you.<\/p>\n

So If It\u2019s Not Serious, Do I Have To Tell My Partner?<\/h2>\n

You should absolutely tell your partner about this – mostly because it\u2019s clearly and understandably been a stressful experience. After all, although totally routine, a colposcopy isn\u2019t exactly pleasant! Depending on their STI IQ they may have questions; any doctor worth their salt will be happy to talk through the issues with them.<\/p>\n

That nugget of advice doesn\u2019t just go for HPV, mind you. Imagine the roles were reversed: you\u2019d want to support him, right? He probably feels exactly the same. More to the point, if you know for a fact you\u2019re carrying anything communicable, it\u2019s morally – and in some cases legally<\/em> – your responsibility to speak up.<\/p>\n

Do I Have To Share Every Single STI Screening?<\/h2>\n

If you\u2019ve tested positive for any of the four that can\u2019t be \u2018cured\u2019 – namely HPV, genital herpes, HIV and AIDS – you must<\/em> tell your partner. Even if you\u2019re not currently showing symptoms (sometimes called a \u2018flare up\u2019) you can still transmit. Unchecked, these eminently manageable infections could lead to infertility, blindness and even death. Any reasonable person wouldn\u2019t wish any of those outcomes on their worst enemy, let alone a one-night stand or fling.<\/p>\n

If your infection is bacterial – looking at you, chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis – it can likely be treated with a simple course of antibiotics. If you\u2019ve had any of those in the past, received treatment and since tested negative, then no need to divulge.<\/p>\n

Oh, and if you\u2019re taking this situation as a wake up call for hyper-vigilance, it is recommended that you get tested every year<\/strong>\u00a0when using barrier protection like condoms<\/a> or dental dams for every sexual encounter (yes, that includes blow jobs and other oral sex) and after unprotected sex with a new partner. If you’re entering a new monogamous relationship, it’s best practice to continue using barrier protection until you’ve both been tested. Some gynecologists still recommend yearly testing for those in monogamous relationships because\u2026 well\u2026 people do sometimes cheat. <\/span><\/p>\n

When it comes to \u2018how\u2019 to tell a new sexual partner that you have an STI\u2026just do it!<\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s really not as awkward as you\u2019re probably making it seem in your head. Think of it this way \u2013 when you\u2019re establishing enthusiastic consent with your partner, both you and they will want to know all that they\u2019re getting into, whether it\u2019s bondage play or STI status, for safety reasons. It\u2019s as easy as taking a moment sometime between when your mutual interest in hooking up is expressed and when everyone\u2019s clothes come off to say, \u201cBy the way, I have XXX. I\u2019m not experiencing a flare up and I have protection, but understand if that puts some things off the table for you.\u201d Knowing the facts of what safer sex looks like with whatever STI you have is the best way to handle any questions they have!<\/p>\n

I\u2019m In A Long Term Relationship and Just Contracted an STI<\/h2>\n

Noticing symptoms of a sexually transmitted infection during a long term relationship is an altogether trickier scenario. It may be that one or both of you haven\u2019t been completely honest with each other about your status, your definitions of monogamy, or have simply been unaware of your status. Either way, it\u2019s going to be a tough conversation, but if you even remotely like the other person, you tell them. Heck, even if you no longer like them, you obviously once did and this means caring enough about them to tell them your status. Just tell them: ideally it will be somewhere private (but definitely not when you\u2019re locked in a sensual embrace), and be honest about the when\u2019s and the what\u2019s. They\u2019ll have questions \u2013 possibly some angry ones \u2013 so it\u2019s helpful to take a moment beforehand to imagine <\/span>their<\/span><\/i> reactions to a changed situation.<\/span><\/p>\n

However, again recall that if this STI is HPV, this could have been contracted long before you were monogamous and doesn\u2019t imply cheating in the same way other STIs do.<\/span><\/p>\n

Terminology Matters!<\/h2>\n

Not to be nitpicking at what\u2019s an understandably distressing time, but round these parts we call them STI<\/em>s (that ism sexually transmitted infections<\/em> as opposed to \u2018D\u2019 for diseases). In fact, HPV perfectly illustrates the rationale behind the semantics: a disease relates to a distinctive, identifiable set of symptoms. Most of the time, infections don\u2019t – and that\u2019s exactly what makes them so insidious!<\/p>\n

Final Thoughts<\/h2>\n

Speak up. If not for your partner\u2019s sake \u2013 which should be enough \u2013 then for the sake of every other sexually active person that you or they are going to come in contact with. In many scenarios, there\u2019s simply no guilt to assign. In other situations, there may be some explaining. Whatever your predicament, honesty really is<\/i> the best policy, and it\u2019s important to remember that given how common it is to have an STI \u2013 and how many steps you can take to prevent transmission \u2013 a positive test result doesn\u2019t mean the end of the world (or your sex life).<\/p>\n

[i]<\/a> https:\/\/www.cdc.gov\/std\/hpv\/stdfact-hpv.htm<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear LELO, Help! After an abnormal Pap smear, I was referred for a colposcopy\u2026 and have been told I have HPV. I have no idea who I got this from or when. My partner and I haven\u2019t been together very long – how on earth do I tell him I have an STD? I feel so guilty. -Shocked, Terrified & Dismayed Dear STD,\u00a0 You need to stop feeling guilty right now! According to Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":41487,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17,1245,1244],"tags":[909,669,871],"coauthors":[950,943],"class_list":["post-17791","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-sexual-health","category-mens-health","category-womens-health","tag-fact-checked-by-doctor","tag-sexual-health","tag-sti"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nSexual Health & Dating Advice: How Do I Tell My Partner I Have an STI?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"With an estimated 20 million new sexually transmitted infections every year, it's important that you're ready to talk about your status with every partner\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" 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