{"id":17932,"date":"2017-08-03T10:05:54","date_gmt":"2017-08-03T10:05:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=17932"},"modified":"2024-11-18T04:06:12","modified_gmt":"2024-11-18T03:06:12","slug":"dear-lelo-normal-fantasize-people","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/dear-lelo-normal-fantasize-people\/","title":{"rendered":"Is It Normal To Fantasize About Other People During Sex?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear LELO,
\nLately, I’ve been finding harder and harder to ‘focus’ during sex. I’m still attracted to my boyfriend, but when we’re in the middle of things, I start to think about some other sexier scenarios than the usual ‘post dinner pre-sleep’ sex in our bed.’ But sometimes it’s not just other places or situations, but a totally different person!
\nI feel really guilty, and I’m not sure if I should tell my boyfriend or not. I don’t think he’s noticed but I feel so dishonest!
\nHelp!
\nDistracted<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Dear Distracted,<\/b><\/p>\n

Let\u2019s start with the good news: Yes, you\u2019re perfectly normal, and no, you\u2019re not a monster. <\/span>Fantasies are a harmless facet of our sexuality<\/span><\/a> in which we are able to explore things safely do literally anything (and anyone). But, obviously, the full answer has a bit more nuance to it.<\/span><\/p>\n

If your mind wanders during sex and you start to think about something \u2013 or someone \u2013 else, you\u2019re not alone. Even during passionate, mind-and-soul-engulfing sex, our thoughts can turn to random things, be it the state of our body-hair when the clothes come off (and if we have any points on our waxing card left), whether our roommate can hear us (and if they remembered to buy milk or not), or how romantic your date had been (and how hot your server was).<\/span><\/p>\n

While not everyone might be willing to admit it, we have all thought about someone else during sex, whether during the solo kind or the partnered kind. Most of us agree that thinking about people other than our partner during masturbation, either while fantasizing or watching porn, is fine, but why do some people feel so guilty when it happens with a partner?<\/span><\/p>\n

Beyond Your Wildest Dreams<\/h3>\n

Humans, despite how much we strive for comfort and security in life and in relationships, are inherently interested in novelty. Now, the degree to which we are interested in\/pursue novelty varies from person to person, but to some extent we all enjoy trying something new and exciting.<\/span><\/p>\n

Long-term relationships are the exact opposite of that.<\/span><\/a> Once the rush of initial passion and nerves wear off, we settle into the comfortable. It\u2019s not to say that\u2019s a bad thing\u2015having sex with a partner you know well means you both are more comfortable with each other, and ideally have a better idea of how to satisfy each other.<\/span><\/p>\n

Thinking about someone else during sex lets you enjoy something different within the bounds of your relationship, which may particularly be relevant if you\u2019re monogamous. It\u2019s important to remember that being in a monogamous relationship is a choice, choosing not have sex with other people, but it doesn\u2019t mean not <\/span>wanting<\/span><\/i> to have sex with other people.<\/span><\/p>\n

A Wish that Your Heart Makes<\/h3>\n

While it\u2019s commonplace to fantasize about other people, that doesn\u2019t mean you shouldn\u2019t give some consideration as to why and how you are thinking about other people. If your fantasies are happening every once and while, that\u2019s not a big deal, but it is if you\u2019re using it as a necessary escape from your current relationship reality.<\/span><\/p>\n

Fantasizing about other people in the bedroom, if not the problem, can still be a symptom. Is there something missing from your sex life (a kink, physical attraction, etc.) that you can\u2019t live without? Are you emotionally hung up on an ex? These are actual issues that manifest as not being present in the bedroom, and it\u2019s definitely worth exploring to prevent some subconscious, bottled-up behavior from exploding in the future. In fact, any time something just feels \u201coff\u201d sexually, we should use that as an opportunity to look inward and check in with ourselves.<\/span><\/p>\n

Give Your Partner a Piece of Your Mind<\/h3>\n

We can all be jealous and insecure sometimes, but even the most rational of us would not greet the news that our partner is thinking about someone else while with us happily. Even if we rationally understood something, like our partner fantasizing about anonymous sex with a sexy farmhand, we might not be able to shake the feeling that our partner isn\u2019t really present during sex.<\/span><\/p>\n

It can help to be honest with our partners about what <\/span>kinky scenarios and fetishes that turn us on<\/span><\/a>. You probably don\u2019t want to tell them that you\u2019ve thought about their best friend before, but being more open about the general scenarios you do fantasize about can help you both have a better understanding about what turns you on. Our fantasies don\u2019t equal actions, and just like you don\u2019t actually want to go have sex with some stranger baling hay, your partner might be turned on by how sexy you find that fantasy, without actually wanting you to go through with it. Fantasies in general can help you explore a headspace without the risk of judgement from your partner.<\/span><\/p>\n

Conclusion<\/h3>\n

So we\u2019ve told you that it\u2019s normal, we\u2019ve told you to talk it out, and we\u2019ve told you to do some soul searching.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you were looking for a much simpler answer, all we can say is that \u2018being good in bed involves being present and making your partner\u2019s pleasure important to you.\u2019 Oh, and never ever yell out someone else\u2019s name. Unless they ask you to.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear LELO, Lately, I’ve been finding harder and harder to ‘focus’ during sex. I’m still attracted to my boyfriend, but when we’re in the middle of things, I start to think about some other sexier scenarios than the usual ‘post dinner pre-sleep’ sex in our bed.’ But sometimes it’s not just other places or situations, but a totally different person! I feel really guilty, and I’m not sure if I should tell my boyfriend or not. I don’t think he’s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":17933,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[925,924,929],"tags":[531,189],"coauthors":[950],"class_list":["post-17932","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-committed","category-dating","category-sexual-wellness","tag-advice","tag-healthy-relationship"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nLELO Relationship Advice: Is it Okay to Fantasize About Other People?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Has your mind ever wandered off and decided to think about something \u2013 or someone \u2013 else during sex? 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