{"id":18594,"date":"2018-01-17T07:58:15","date_gmt":"2018-01-17T07:58:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=18594"},"modified":"2020-04-08T11:45:18","modified_gmt":"2020-04-08T09:45:18","slug":"where-sex-drive-gone","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/where-sex-drive-gone\/","title":{"rendered":"Where Has Your Sex Drive Gone?"},"content":{"rendered":"

The sex gremlins. At one time, they\u2019ve visited us all. Those little voices that pipe up at exactly the worst moment. Like when you\u2019ve forked out half your salary on a night in a swanky hotel and you\u2019ve just ripped off your partner\u2019s underwear with your teeth.<\/span><\/p>\n

She\u2019s not enjoying herself. \u00a0He doesn\u2019t fancy you. Your sex drive\u2019s disappeared! You’re dead inside.<\/i><\/strong><\/p>\n

But is all hope truly lost when our sexual urges are no longer coming unbidden?<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

We expect our \u2018sex drives\u2019 to be ever-ready, to propel us straight into steamy Hollywood sex, at any given moment. So when we fail to get horny, it feels like our sex drive has \u2018disappeared\u2019 and we panic.<\/span><\/p>\n

Emily Nagoski Ph.D., author of \u2018Come As You Are\u2019 and total sex nerd (her words), argues that where we\u2019re all going wrong is even using the expression \u2018sex drive\u2019. <\/span><\/p>\n

What’s Driving Us?<\/h2>\n

A drive is a \u201cbiological mechanism whose job it is to keep the being at a normal baseline – drives like hunger and thirst force us to fulfil them or we risk dying\u201d. <\/span><\/p>\n

By calling it a \u2018drive\u2019 we\u2019re implying that we can\u2019t live without it. But as Nagoski so eloquently points out: \u201cnobody ever died because of not being able to get laid\u201d.<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Rather, she categorizes desire into two types: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire is that sexual lightning bolt. It appears from nowhere and POW, you\u2019re horny. Interestingly, it\u2019s also how the majority of men (70%) experience desire. <\/span><\/p>\n

Responsive desire, on the other hand, is desire that is triggered. By a dirty text, a slap on your ass, someone sharing their filthy fantasy with you. It\u2019s a response. <\/span>And for 80% of women, this is their primary desire mechanism. <\/span><\/p>\n

So in a nutshell, desire won\u2019t always appear like a giant dildo falling from the heavens. If you\u2019re a responsive kinda person, desire can be a fragile creature. One that needs to be nurtured and coaxed out of its little shell. <\/span>And this, Nagoski argues, can be a very subtle process. <\/span><\/p>\n

Go, Go, Stop<\/h2>\n

The analogy Nagoski uses is that of driving a car. We all have an \u2018accelerator\u2019 and a \u2018brake\u2019. Your \u2018accelerator\u2019 gets you turned on by receiving sexual stimuli from the things around you: smells, touch, sexual thoughts. If your accelerator is sensitive, desire will come easy to you. <\/span><\/p>\n

However, we also have a \u2018brake\u2019 system. This assesses all the potential threats in a sexual situation. These could be the fear of an unwanted pregnancy<\/a>, the fear that you won\u2019t please your partner, or even fear that you yourself won\u2019t be able to climax. <\/span><\/p>\n

And if your brain perceives these as serious threats, the brakes get slammed on and you shut down. No more fun sexy time for you. \u00a0\u00a0<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Analyzing your brake system is a good way to understand why and how you get turned off. Looking back at your past sexual encounters, particularly unsatisfactory ones, what made you shut off? Did you worry about your performance? Did you feel unsexy, or worry that you wouldn\u2019t cum<\/a>? By asking these questions, you can learn what activates your brakes. <\/span><\/p>\n

But how do you stop them being slammed on? A useful tool is to change your sexual goals, and how you go about achieving them. If your goal is to cum, change the goal to just enjoying the touch of your partner, or the feeling of lying naked together. Lower your expectations of the whole situation (yes, even if you\u2019ve just forked out $300 for that boutique hotel room) and you might find that your anxiety drops.<\/span><\/p>\n

Another tip is to focus on your senses: the feel of your partner\u2019s skin, the sensation of a sex toy, the sound of your partner\u2019s breath. Focusing on enjoying simple sensations can help you stay in the moment. Anxious thoughts will start to disappear, and your \u2018sex brakes\u2019 are less likely to kick into action.<\/span><\/p>\n

Final Thoughts<\/h2>\n

Even if you\u2019re someone with a sensitive accelerator and almost no brakes, your partner may not have the same system as you. By creating an environment where desire can thrive, you\u2019ll both reap the rewards.<\/span><\/p>\n

So next time that voice in your head demands to know why you\u2019re not horny or where the hell your sex drive has gone, be easy on yourself and your partner. \u00a0You might just find that those sex gremlins become a little quieter, and sex gets a bit sexier. <\/span><\/p>\n

[related_article id=”16874″ float=”right” size=”full” target=”_blank”]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The sex gremlins. At one time, they\u2019ve visited us all. Those little voices that pipe up at exactly the worst moment. Like when you\u2019ve forked out half your salary on a night in a swanky hotel and you\u2019ve just ripped off your partner\u2019s underwear with your teeth. She\u2019s not enjoying herself. \u00a0He doesn\u2019t fancy you. Your sex drive\u2019s disappeared! You’re dead inside. But is all hope truly lost when our sexual urges are no longer coming unbidden? We expect our […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":98,"featured_media":18599,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[807],"coauthors":[],"class_list":["post-18594","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-sexual-health","tag-sex-drive"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nHas Your Sex Drive Disappeared? 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