{"id":20447,"date":"2025-01-14T18:00:18","date_gmt":"2025-01-14T17:00:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=20447"},"modified":"2026-03-29T07:50:09","modified_gmt":"2026-03-29T05:50:09","slug":"dealing-with-mismatched-libidos","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/dealing-with-mismatched-libidos\/","title":{"rendered":"How To Deal with Mismatched Libidos"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"elevenlabs-audionative-widget\" data-height=\"90\" data-width=\"100%\" data-frameborder=\"no\" data-scrolling=\"no\" data-publicuserid=\"0372d5a1fd62af9fdff979cd83bb46678b98f4289435f2c660f185f334842a57\" data-playerurl=\"https:\/\/elevenlabs.io\/player\/index.html\">Loading the <a href=\"https:\/\/elevenlabs.io\/text-to-speech\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Elevenlabs Text to Speech<\/a> AudioNative Player&#8230;<\/div>\n<p><script src=\"https:\/\/elevenlabs.io\/player\/audioNativeHelper.js\" type=\"text\/javascript\"><\/script><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There are some people who need no prompting in order to ramp up their sexual desires, who either want sex or are receptive to it at all times. Then, there are others who take a little more coaxing or warming up before they get in the mood. Sometimes \u2013 read: more often than you think \u2013 these people wind up in relationships together, and their different approaches to passion can become a source of confusion or frustration.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mismatched libido, otherwise known as sex drive discrepancy, is<\/span> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.medicalnewstoday.com\/articles\/mismatched-sex-drives\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><strong>more common than you think<\/strong>.<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> But talking about this topic is complicated. The main issue when feelings get hurt discussing mismatched libidos stems from the lack of education on the topic in our youth. When it comes to libido and sex drive, it\u2019s important first to understand what someone does and doesn\u2019t have control over, like their natural libido.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What causes low libido can vary, from the type of desire you experience to medications or aging. Read on to learn more about these factors and how you can maximize satisfaction if you\u2019re in a relationship with mismatched libidos.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2>Spontaneous vs Responsive Desire<\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Some people can get aroused in a matter of seconds, whereas other people need longer to get warmed up. The difference between this is known as spontaneous vs <\/span><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/31509092\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">responsive sexual desire<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">People with <strong>spontaneous desire<\/strong> often initiate or don\u2019t need as much intimacy in the moments leading up to a sexual encounter. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">People with <strong>responsive desire<\/strong>, on the other hand, don\u2019t experience that feeling of desire until they\u2019re well into foreplay. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Partners with responsive desire (who are often women) can be misunderstood as having a low libido. In reality, they just have a different kind of desire that\u2019s not as impulsive and requires some initiation from the other person first.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2>What Causes Low Libido in Women and Men?<\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Beyond types of desire, there are several factors that can contribute to low sex drive and cause mismatched libidos.<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><b>Hormones<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">: Our hormones fluctuate throughout life, and this can impact sex drive. During perimenopause and menopause, the hormones estrogen and progesterone can create a lower libido. Studies show that a decrease in sex and overall interest in sex can<\/span> <strong><a href=\"https:\/\/pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/articles\/PMC6220606\/#:~:text=The%20large%20majority%20of%20these,few%20years%20of%20the%20menopause.\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">decrease by more than 40%<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> during menopause. The same can happen during<\/span> <strong><a href=\"https:\/\/pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/articles\/PMC10394553\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">breastfeeding<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. In midlife, men also experience a hormone drop, and less testosterone can mean a lower sex drive. Contraceptives like birth control pills can also cause a decline in libido.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><b>Medication and conditions<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">: For those who are on<\/span> <strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.aafp.org\/pubs\/afp\/issues\/2000\/0815\/p782.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">antidepressants<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> or beta-blockers, a plummeting libido is common. Some people also wonder: does PCOS cause low libido? The answer is yes,<\/span> <strong><a href=\"https:\/\/pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/articles\/PMC4233312\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">PCOS can cause a decreased sex drive<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><b>Mental Health: <\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Being burned out at work, tending to the kids, or dealing with other responsibilities can all impact our desire. Taking care of your mental health is often a major step in regaining libido. When we\u2019re anxious and stressed, we don\u2019t feel our most sexually confident.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><b>Long-term ruts<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">: When you\u2019re in the honeymoon phase, you always want to rip each other\u2019s clothes off. But when you\u2019re in a<\/span>\u00a0<strong><a href=\"https:\/\/pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/29521522\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">long-term relationship<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> for more than a few years, that excitement can dwindle. Seeing a couples therapist, using tools like <\/span><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/sex-therapist-recommended-vibrators\/\">sex toys<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, or trying new things to break out of routine can all help.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>How To Talk About Mismatched Libidos and Improve Satisfaction<\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This isn\u2019t an easy topic for couples to discuss, but<\/span> <strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/communication-as-a-tool-for-better-sex\/\">opening lines of communication<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> is the first step to understanding a mismatched libido. For those living with someone with responsive desire, having that constant pressure to initiate sexual activity can be an added stress. Conversations (and trial and error) can help determine what kind of usually works.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sex drives a spectrum with no universal \u2018normal\u2019, and there\u2019s one one-size-fits-all secret recipe of how to increase female libido or male libido. If you and your partner\u2019s libidos don\u2019t match up, neither of you are at fault. One person might want it multiple times a week while the other might want it once or twice a month, and <\/span><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/where-sex-drive-gone\/\">even these numbers can fluctuate<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> based on stressful world events or things happening in your day-to-day life, like work burnout or unfair division labor at home.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h3>Open and Honest Communication<\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When it comes to you and your partner, <\/span><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/are-you-sexually-compatible\/\">do your sex drives match up<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">? No matter which end of the spectrum you fall on, if this discrepancy of libidos exists in your relationship, the responsibility falls on both of you when it comes to dealing with the issue. <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">That starts with open, honest conversations that are pre-planned in a safe space and not done in the heat of the moment or right after a sex session. <\/span><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/articles\/PMC915309\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">This study<\/a><\/strong> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">shows that couples who communicate about sex aren\u2019t just more sexually satisfied \u2013 they\u2019re more satisfied in their relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3>Foreplay<\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Is foreplay cooking a candlelit dinner and giving them a massage? Cleaning the house and buying them gifts? Cuddling during a movie? Using sex toys together, or making sure they have their own time to carve out for masturbation and a long bubble bath? <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Foreplay doesn\u2019t always start in the bedroom, and men are interested in<\/span>\u00a0<strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.tandfonline.com\/doi\/abs\/10.1080\/00224490409552237\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">longer foreplay sessions<\/a><\/strong> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">too, according to this study.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3>Lifestyle Changes<\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">On the milder end of the spectrum, libido can be changed by reducing stress in your life via journaling or meditating, eating a healthier diet, exercising more (<\/span><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/articles\/PMC10823211\/\">working out can boost libido<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">!) and getting more sleep. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Trying new things like adding novelty through new sex toys, fantasies or kinks into the bedroom can spice up a boring routine. <\/span><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/sex-therapy\/\">Sex therapy<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> (individual or couples) can help provide guidance, and couples may even want to consider a consensual polyamorous relationship with the assistance of a polyamory coach.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3>Redefining Intimacy<\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sex doesn\u2019t always have to include penetration. Oral sex fingering, and <\/span><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.tandfonline.com\/doi\/full\/10.1080\/00224499.2024.2304575#d1e2171\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">using sex toys together<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> can strengthen your relationship and keep intimacy alive in a less conventional way.\u00a0 Sex toys like <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/sex-toys-for-men\">vibrators for <strong>men<\/strong><\/a><\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and<\/span> <strong><a href=\"http:\/\/vibrators\">women<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> can help close the orgasm gap, which is common in relationships. According to <\/span><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/academic.oup.com\/smoa\/article\/12\/3\/qfae042\/7702123\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">this study<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, women only orgasm 46% to 56% of the time compared to men, who orgasm up to 85% of the time.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/mutual-masturb-another-tool-for-your-sex-toy-toolbox\/?srsltid=AfmBOoqtlCOiDnavBcXm4b6sfYFdS0W_Qu0DI1wMCc4ZDOxeZawWFxbC\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><strong>Mutual masturbation<\/strong><\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> is also a low-pressure way to stay satisfied. After all, no one knows your body like yourself! Touching yourselves together can help you understand each other\u2019s desires better.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You can also schedule sex. While this may not be as exciting for the spontaneous partner, it gives the responsive partner more time to plan so that they\u2019re mentally and emotionally prepared for intimacy together.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2>Final Thoughts<\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Being able to laugh about your mismatched libido while also trying to deal with the issue takes a lot of the edge off, but that\u2019s not all: it will also remind you both about what works in your relationship and why you\u2019re working together to make it last.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Some people may just have naturally lower sex drives that aren\u2019t necessarily responsive, and this may open the conversation to bigger changes in your life.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The libido you have when you enter a relationship isn\u2019t necessarily the same one you maintain throughout it. You won\u2019t always meet each other at the same libido level throughout your relationship, but understanding, empathy, and compassion (as well as using whatever resources you can) will help keep that fire going.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>See also:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/why-am-i-so-horny\/\"><strong>Why Am I So Horny? The Science Behind High Libido<\/strong><\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/sex-drive-men-vs-women\/\"><strong>Do Men Really Have a Higher Sex Drive Than Women?<\/strong><\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/is-sex-addiction-really-about-high-sex-drive\/\"><strong>High Sex Drive vs. Sex Addiction<\/strong><\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>Enjoy 15% off <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">LELO.com<\/a> with code <span style=\"color: #800080;\">VOLONTE15<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Loading the Elevenlabs Text to Speech AudioNative Player&#8230; There are some people who need no prompting in order to ramp up their sexual desires, who either want sex or are receptive to it at all times. Then, there are others who take a little more coaxing or warming up before they get in the mood. Sometimes \u2013 read: more often than you think \u2013 these people wind up in relationships together, and their different approaches to passion can become a [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1029,"featured_media":44615,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[925,924,929],"tags":[115,807],"coauthors":[1256,947],"class_list":["post-20447","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-committed","category-dating","category-sexual-wellness","tag-libido","tag-sex-drive"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v24.8.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Relationship Advice for Dealing with Mismatched Libidos<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"When it comes to you and your partner, do your sex drives not match up? Join the club! Here&#039;s how to manage it so everyone&#039;s happy.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/dealing-with-mismatched-libidos\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Dealing with Mismatched Libidos\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"When it comes to you and your partner, do your sex drives not match up? Join the club! 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