{"id":24260,"date":"2019-07-12T13:34:39","date_gmt":"2019-07-12T11:34:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=24260"},"modified":"2024-08-23T07:09:26","modified_gmt":"2024-08-23T05:09:26","slug":"whos-on-top-power-dynamics-in-a-threesome","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/whos-on-top-power-dynamics-in-a-threesome\/","title":{"rendered":"Who\u2019s on Top? Power Dynamics in a Threesome"},"content":{"rendered":"

Sex is simple. That\u2019s what makes it so complicated.<\/p>\n

In theory, sex is nothing more than the biological activity of transferring our DNA to a new generation. That\u2019s really it. Everything we eat, the way our medula controls our heartbeat, the way we interact, it\u2019s all pointed at that simple requirement \u2013 to produce facsimiles of ourselves.<\/p>\n

But in practice, we seem to have made it as hard for ourselves as we possibly could, by developing stupidly complex sociopsychological behavior. A sea sponge, for example, doesn\u2019t ever worry about the consequences of having sex with its ex\u2019s best friend. Spongebob never has to concern himself with the power dynamics and sociosexual politics of a threesome.<\/p>\n

But we do. Because of our big dumb intelligence.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re drawn to threes. There\u2019s a universal kind of balance inside a three. Triangles, as the most stable physical shape, appear widely throughout science, nature, architecture, medicine, everything really. Three is the number of spatial dimensions humans can perceive, and the basic amount of colors our eyes can see. Every major religion contains some kind of intrinsic trinity, from Wiccan to Zoroastrianism.<\/p>\n

But culturally, not sex. According to convention, sex is between a man and a woman and NO ONE ELSE, and if you so much as covet your neighbor\u2019s ass, the whole town is burned down and you\u2019re turned to a pillar of salt as a divine warning to all mankind. A trinity in the bedroom introduces an imbalance in the traditional order, and, instead of embodying stability, and like an atom with an extra neutron, a threesome<\/a> means society is in a state of decay.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m being facetious, obviously. But only a little. So terrified at the possibility of instability caused by a threesome, the authoritarian Chinese government has a law against what translates beautifully to \u2018group licentiousness.\u2019 A recent case involved a man, who called himself \u2018Roaring Virile Fire,\u2019 and his girlfriend with the similarly brilliant name \u2018Passionate Fiery Phoenix,\u2019 who were given up to five years hard time for introducing a third into the bedroom. Personally, I think it\u2019s worth having a criminal record just to have \u2018group licentiousness\u2019 on it. \u201cHi I\u2019m Stu *flips out business card dramatically* if you like groups and licentiousness, then I got some haaaard time for you\u2026\u201d *shades on* *gunfingers*<\/p>\n

Welcome To The Devil’s Triangle<\/h2>\n

Back in the West, though, we\u2019ve become quite comfortable with the concept of the threesome. As traditional inhibitions revolving around sexuality and gender begin to relax and our culture becomes increasingly comfortable with the blurring boundaries of conventional binary roles, the threesome has become sort of a torch for sexual subversion. It\u2019s now so much part of our culture that we have at least 42 euphemisms for it. One of our biggest stars is called \u2018Minaj.\u2019 Recent history even saw the definition of a \u2018Devil\u2019s Triangle\u2019 discussed in the Supreme Court<\/a>.<\/p>\n

A threesome is freedom, a symbol of independence, a ticket into the club of the sexually liberated. We\u2019ve come to see it as a bohemian icon of sexual progressivity and fluidity. But\u2026 is it really?<\/p>\n

There\u2019s not a huge amount of research out there about the dynamics of a threesome. There\u2019s almost none at all regarding same-gender threesomes. So, I\u2019m going to make a huge assumption, and then set it aside for later. The assumption is this: the power dynamics inside a same-gender threesome are more clearly defined and more progressive than they are in a mixed-gender threesome. In same-gender threesomes, there is a general understanding of the roles each participant will play before any sexual activity takes place, even if the encounter is spontaneous. That is to say, in general, gay or queer threesomes are generally undertaken by people with a deeper connection to their sexualities, and therefore the dynamics are understood up front, in one way or another, even if it\u2019s non-verbal. Generally. Generally<\/em>. If this assumption is correct, then what I\u2019m about to say doesn\u2019t apply to single-gender threesomes – I\u2019ll come back to those at a later date. For what follows, I\u2019m talking specifically about mixed-gender threesomes.<\/p>\n

What little research there is about mixed-gender threesomes is pretty consistent. The three main findings are almost always these:<\/p>\n