{"id":29361,"date":"2020-06-21T13:00:38","date_gmt":"2020-06-21T11:00:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=29361"},"modified":"2020-04-21T11:26:15","modified_gmt":"2020-04-21T09:26:15","slug":"fmf-threesome","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/fmf-threesome\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Have a FMF Threesome as a Feminist"},"content":{"rendered":"

Ok, so you\u2019ve decided to have a threesome. Cool. The first thing I\u2019m going to say is this: your <\/span>sex life does not define you. It says absolutely nothing about what kind of woman you are or <\/span>about your values and beliefs. It took me a long time to really understand this, and when my <\/span>(male) partner first suggested a threesome several years ago I didn\u2019t hesitate to absolutely <\/span>shoot the idea down. I thought that by agreeing to a fmf threesome, I was just indulging a male fantasy<\/a>, one that\u2019s born out of bad porn and has nothing to do with female pleasure. I <\/span>thought it was somehow anti-feminist to agree to it. That it would be degrading to myself <\/span>and to the other woman (especially to her).<\/span><\/p>\n

\"fmf<\/p>\n

I changed my mind after speaking to several women who had had fmf threesomes, either <\/span>with a male partner or friend, or as a single woman joining a couple. They all described <\/span>fantastic, empowering, fun and even romantic experiences. The more I thought about it, the <\/span>more I realized my knee jerk reaction came from a social place of shaming women \u2013 I had <\/span>deliberately suppressed my sexual curiosity because I somehow felt it was \u2018wrong\u2019 of me to <\/span>explore it. That, I realised, is not a very feminist thing to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

We have since had several threesomes<\/a> with different female lovers and, luckily for us, every <\/span>time has been fantastic. These women have become good friends and our lives are <\/span>incredibly enriched by knowing them.<\/span><\/p>\n

But that\u2019s not to say a threesome can\u2019t go wrong. It can. They often do. I\u2019ve heard endless <\/span>stories about people regretting having a threesome, hating the experience, even breaking <\/span>up with their partner as a result.<\/span><\/p>\n

Just like absolutely anything in sex, don\u2019t say yes unless you really do want to do it<\/a>. Do not <\/span>allow yourself to be pressured into a threesome and definitely do not embark upon one <\/span>without having an in depth, open and honest conversation with your partner<\/a> beforehand. If <\/span>you find talking about sex and your sexual preferences with your partner difficult, sorry, <\/span>neither one of you is ready to bring a third person into your bedroom.<\/span><\/p>\n

Set boundaries and be specific. For example, are you happy for your partner to have full sex <\/span>with the other woman or not? Is wearing a condom<\/a> non-negotiable? Will the other woman <\/span>sleep over or not? Try to think through all the situations that might arise, imagine how these <\/span>would make you feel, and take it from there. Think about why you feel the way you do. If <\/span>you feel uncomfortable about something that your partner is fine with (and vice versa) it\u2019s <\/span>really important to be able to break it down and explain.<\/span><\/p>\n

Also, and this is probably the most important point of all, consider the possibility that it will <\/span>be a disaster. In sex, things can crop up that you didn\u2019t expect, and feelings may arise<\/a> that <\/span>you were simply unable to foresee. You need to be confident that even if this does happen, <\/span>you and your partner will be able to discuss it and get past it. Again, if a bad sexual <\/span>experience could break you up, you\u2019re probably not in the right place for a threesome.<\/span><\/p>\n

So, if you plan to go ahead, here are some tips (learned from experience) for making sure <\/span>you all have a great time.<\/span><\/p>\n

Decide what you want<\/span><\/h3>\n

Are you looking for a one-night stand, a casual but ongoing thing<\/a>, or a more serious poly<\/a> <\/span>relationship? Do you want to meet somebody new or reach out to a friend (I\u2019d recommend <\/span>the former, unless you\u2019re confident your friend will be into it and won\u2019t react badly to being <\/span>propositioned)? Decide all of this right at the beginning. And when you start speaking to <\/span>other women, make absolutely sure that they are on the same page. Do not, under any <\/span>circumstances, be dishonest about what you\u2019re looking for. That\u2019s a one-way ticket to hurt <\/span>feelings. And, frankly, lying to get someone into bed makes you a fairly bad person.<\/span><\/p>\n

Plan ahead<\/span><\/h3>\n

This might not seem very sexy. People seem to have a really bad reaction to the idea of <\/span>planning when it comes to sex, but when you\u2019ve got three people involved, believe me, it\u2019s <\/span>important. Think about where you\u2019re going to meet. Do you want to just meet at your place <\/span>or their place, or go for a drink beforehand? What day of the week works for everyone? <\/span>Probably not a work night. Thinking about these things will help you avoid a lot of <\/span>awkwardness.<\/span><\/p>\n

The women need to talk to each other. A lot.<\/span><\/h3>\n

It\u2019s important to establish that you\u2019re compatible as people, that you can get along as <\/span>friends, as well as sharing similar sexual desires<\/a> (or, if they\u2019re not similar, that they\u2019re at <\/span>least different in a way that\u2019s going to work\u2026). Also, jealousy<\/a> is undeniably a factor when it <\/span>comes to fmf threesomes \u2013 but by getting to know the other woman, and trusting her, you <\/span>can shake this easily. Talk to her about what she wants out of it, trust me, it won\u2019t be to try <\/span>to steal your boyfriend.<\/span><\/p>\n

Stop using the term \u2018unicorn\u2019<\/span><\/h3>\n

I hate this term. If you\u2019ve never come across it before, a \u2018unicorn\u2019 is a single person (usually <\/span>a woman but not always) who joins couples for sex. Described as such because they\u2019re <\/span>allegedly impossible to find. A lot of single women describe themselves as unicorns, but <\/span>what offends me about this term is that it makes that person feel like an asset, a sexual <\/span>object. There\u2019s also the implication that a sexually adventurous woman is somehow a rarity, <\/span>which is just plain wrong.<\/span><\/p>\n

Meet a person who you like and respect, call them by their name, and treat them like a <\/span>human.<\/span><\/p>\n

You are a three, not a couple plus a third<\/span><\/h3>\n

If you\u2019re inviting another woman into your bedroom, the sex is between three people. It is <\/span>not about you and your partner having a blast and treating the other woman as a kind of <\/span>human sex toy. Just like how you and your partner talked and discussed your boundaries <\/span>and turn ons<\/a>, talk openly with the other woman. Find out what she likes, perhaps even <\/span>more importantly find out what she doesn\u2019t like (you might be really into toe sucking, for <\/span>example, but don\u2019t assume everyone else is).<\/span><\/p>\n

Check in with her. It\u2019s all about continuous enthusiastic consent. This doesn\u2019t mean you <\/span>have to do a load of stopping and starting or awkwardly asking questions the whole time <\/span>(though an \u2018Is this ok?\u2019 now and then goes a long way). It can be as simple as \u2018do you like <\/span>that?\u2019 Remember that consent is sexy. And when there\u2019s a new person entering into your <\/span>sex life, it\u2019s important to figure out what everyone likes and to make sure that everyone is <\/span>having a good time.<\/span><\/p>\n

Laugh<\/span><\/h3>\n

If you\u2019re trying new things in the bedroom, it might go wrong. That\u2019s ok. Don\u2019t take yourself <\/span>too seriously. Remember that whatever your sexual experiences are individually, you\u2019re all <\/span>still navigating the dynamic between the three of you<\/a> for the first time.<\/span><\/p>\n

Get adventurous<\/span><\/h3>\n

Inviting a third person into your sex life is a great way to make new discoveries about your <\/span>own sexual desires. If you\u2019re having open discussions with a new person, inevitably <\/span>questions should arise. Think openly about these and don\u2019t be afraid to try new things.<\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t be afraid to say no<\/span><\/h3>\n

Remember that you always, always, always, have the right to say no or to change your mind. <\/span>This applies whether you\u2019re doing something for the first time or have done it a hundred <\/span>times but just don\u2019t want to anymore, or just don\u2019t feel like it at that moment. Maybe you <\/span>felt comfortable with the dynamic to begin with, but suddenly your feelings have changed? <\/span>Speak up straight away. Never bottle up your feelings or carry on whilst pretending you feel <\/span>fine, if you don\u2019t.<\/span><\/p>\n

Likewise, make sure that the woman you\u2019re having the fmf with also knows this and is <\/span>comfortable saying how she feels. It would be easy, especially as a couple, to inadvertently <\/span>pressure somebody into something. This could happen without you even realising (hopefully <\/span>you aren\u2019t doing it on purpose) so reminding that person that it\u2019s always, without exception, <\/span>ok to speak their mind, is really important.<\/span><\/p>\n

Spend some time just hanging out<\/span><\/h3>\n

Sex is better when you\u2019ve taken the time to get to know someone a bit. This is also true of <\/span>threesome and group sex scenarios.<\/span><\/p>\n

Spend a bit of time hanging out as a three doing vanilla activities like a walk in the park, a <\/span>drink in a bar, or watching a movie<\/a>. You\u2019ll feel more relaxed around one another, and that <\/span>will definitely lead to better sex.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s also a good idea to get out of the house after having sex, to hang out together and <\/span>remind one another that you all get on, and there\u2019s no awkwardness. Head out for a coffee, <\/span>or brunch, or a drink (time of day dependent). Or if you\u2019re saying goodbye, walk together to <\/span>the train station\/bus stop\/car\/bike.<\/span><\/p>\n

Stay in touch<\/span><\/h3>\n

Check in afterwards with a text or a phone call. You should have already discussed whether <\/span>you\u2019re looking for an ongoing thing or a one-night stand, but even if it\u2019s the latter, it\u2019s rude <\/span>to leave someone high and dry. A simple message the next day, something straightforward <\/span>like \u2018We had fun, hope you did too\u2019, is just good manners.<\/span><\/p>\n

Set boundaries and be honest about them<\/span><\/h3>\n

You might find that your threesome is so great that you all want to do it again. In a lot of <\/span>ways this is an absolute win, the dream scenario, but it also raises new questions that you <\/span>need to think about.<\/span><\/p>\n

You might have initially decided you wanted something super casual, perhaps even just a <\/span>one-night stand, but now one (or, hopefully, all) of you have changed your minds about this. <\/span>This is fine, it just means you need to keep talking and think about what parts of the <\/span>dynamic you\u2019re happy with and which parts (if any) make you feel uncomfortable.<\/span><\/p>\n

Learn trust<\/span><\/h3>\n

One of the best things I learned through opening up my relationship to include fmf <\/span>threesomes was a deeper level of trust and appreciation for other women. In society, <\/span>women are often taught to distrust one another, or to see one another as competition. I\u2019ll <\/span>be blunt, once you\u2019ve seen a woman giving your boyfriend a blowjob<\/a> and have also laughed <\/span>until you cried with that same woman over a cocktail, you very quickly start to question that m<\/span>yth.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you notice feelings of jealousy or distrust arising, try to think very carefully about where <\/span>those feelings come from. If they are well founded, speak to the people involved straight <\/span>away. If you find they come from your own insecurities or prejudices, try to acknowledge <\/span>this. That said, acknowledging an insecurity doesn\u2019t always make it magically vanish, so it\u2019s still important to communicate. But if you\u2019ve established where your feelings come from it\u2019s <\/span>far easier to have a constructive and healthy conversation about them.<\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t hate the haters<\/span><\/h3>\n

A final point. Don\u2019t be surprised if people find your choices shocking. Although ethical non-<\/span>monogamy is on the rise, and is being discussed more openly in the media, for a lot of <\/span>people it\u2019s still a lot to swallow.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you do encounter people who are judgemental, try to think about any misgivings you may <\/span>have had at the beginning. You were able to work through these, but not everyone finds <\/span>self-analysis easy. Quite often (usually, in fact) people\u2019s discomfort is rooted in their own <\/span>insecurities. Put simply: their issue is a problem with themselves, not a problem with you. If <\/span>you\u2019re having sex in a healthy, happy, sane and consensual way, you\u2019re doing nothing <\/span>wrong. Don\u2019t listen to anybody who tries to tell you otherwise.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Ok, so you\u2019ve decided to have a threesome. Cool. The first thing I\u2019m going to say is this: your sex life does not define you. It says absolutely nothing about what kind of woman you are or about your values and beliefs. It took me a long time to really understand this, and when my (male) partner first suggested a threesome several years ago I didn\u2019t hesitate to absolutely shoot the idea down. I thought that by agreeing to a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":156,"featured_media":29376,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[917],"tags":[637,509],"coauthors":[],"class_list":["post-29361","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-group-sex","tag-sex-tips","tag-threesome"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nA Guide to Feminist FMF (Female-Male-Female) Threesomes<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Your first FMF threesome will leave you navigating new power dynamics and addressing new questions. Follow these tips for a positive experience.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/fmf-threesome\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"A Guide to Feminist FMF (Female-Male-Female) Threesomes\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Your first FMF threesome will leave you navigating new power dynamics and addressing new questions. Follow these tips for a positive experience.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/fmf-threesome\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Volont\u00e9\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/LELO.Official\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2020-06-21T11:00:38+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/03\/fmf.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"660\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"330\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Abby Moss\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@Lelo_Official\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@Lelo_Official\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Abby Moss\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"10 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/fmf-threesome\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/fmf-threesome\/\",\"name\":\"A Guide to Feminist FMF (Female-Male-Female) Threesomes\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/fmf-threesome\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/fmf-threesome\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/03\/fmf.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2020-06-21T11:00:38+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/31fed2bf32da22d17fd84e45fd7428ed\"},\"description\":\"Your first FMF threesome will leave you navigating new power dynamics and addressing new questions. 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