{"id":30362,"date":"2020-06-26T12:16:35","date_gmt":"2020-06-26T10:16:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=30362"},"modified":"2020-06-30T13:49:22","modified_gmt":"2020-06-30T11:49:22","slug":"reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Reasons You Shouldn\u2019t Contact Your Ex"},"content":{"rendered":"

Someone once told me that, after a breakup, your heart should only hurt for half the amount of time the relationship lasted. So, a two-year relationship would equal a year of mourning, and a ten-year relationship will hurt for five years.<\/span><\/p>\n

Bullshit. I had relationships which lasted months but hurt for years. There\u2019s a girl I dated in High School that I haven\u2019t seen for 15 years, but I still think about calling her. Luckily, thanks to science and psychology, I know that contacting an ex is almost always a mistake. Here are the top five reasons to contact an ex. Boom.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"Reasons<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. It Wasn\u2019t As Good As You Remember<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Your memory is an absolute jerk. It will trick you into believing the past was better than it really was. Our memories are constantly affected by what psychologists call \u2018positivity bias.\u2019 In short, it\u2019s easier for us to recall positive events than negative ones. That means that when you\u2019re reminiscing about your history, you\u2019re much more likely to remember the time they sent you your favourite flowers at exactly the right moment, rather than the way the clipped their toenails in the kitchen sink.<\/span><\/p>\n

    Perhaps more importantly, it\u2019s easier to remember how good they made you feel, instead of how bad. This is true of pain generally. You can remember in detail how good a meal tasted, or an orgasm felt, but it\u2019s almost impossible to recall the pain of a broken toe, for example. That\u2019s for evolutionary rational reasons: if we relived the pain every time we recalled it, our lives would be debilitating. The same is true of emotional experiences.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

      \n
    1. That Warm & Fuzzy Feeling Is Fake<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      That pleasant feeling that comes with a sense of sorrow you feel when you think about your ex? Sorry, it\u2019s not real. There\u2019s another memory bias at play here: fading affect bias. This makes it more difficult to recall negative feelings about past events. It\u2019s much easier to remember positive feelings than negative ones, in the same way that positivity bias makes it easier to recall good events than bad one. Fading affect bias works exactly the same, except with emotion instead of events. Positive emotions last longer in our recall too, which can conceal the feelings of rejection and anger in favour of love and affection.<\/span><\/p>\n

        \n
      1. It Might Be Depression<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        There\u2019s a correlation between anxiety and depression, and the desire to contact an ex. It\u2019s not absolutely certain, but a 2015 study found that people who had accepted a Facebook friend request from an ex had higher levels of anxiety and depression than those who didn\u2019t. The long and short of it is that it\u2019s not going to be healthy for your mental wellbeing. Seeing your ex in happy posts, and possibly in a new relationship without you could be damaging for your mental health. Don\u2019t do it to yourself.<\/span><\/p>\n

          \n
        1. It Signals An Unhealthy Obsession<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

          Contacting an ex and scrolling through their social media, scouring every photo and comment might be a sign that you\u2019re not over your ex. It should be sending you warning messages that you need to cut ties not just for your own sake, but for your ex\u2019s too. It\u2019s not fair on you or them to be stalking an old partner\u2019s recent history, and it will only make you feel worse. And you know what? It\u2019s even harder if it wasn\u2019t you who initiated the breakup.<\/span><\/p>\n

            \n
          1. It\u2019s New-Relationship Poison<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

            If you\u2019re in a new relationship, or seeking one<\/a>, or simply open to the possibility of one, contact with the ex could be very damaging. We tend to treat ex partners as back-burners: people with whom we maintain contact in the possibility that they might become romantic or sexual partners at some point in the future. Being tempted by \u2013 or even just thinking about \u2013 a back-burner for any amount of time has the effect of lowering your investment in a current partner. Communicating with an ex is also associated with lower levels of satisfaction with a new partner, by drawing unfairly favourable comparisons with the old one. Contacting an ex could spell the end of a new relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n

            Those are just five more reasons why contacting an ex is going to get you more hurt than you already are. And I\u2019ll throw an extra one in there as a bonus: what are you hoping to achieve by contacting an ex? Is it closure? Is it the chance to restart the relationship? Whatever it is, you\u2019re probably not going to get it. Do you think your ex is suddenly going to give you everything you want if you drop them a Facebook message? The relationship failed for a reason. Even if you hate the reason, it still exists.<\/span><\/p>\n

            And if all else fails, you still have LELO. We\u2019ll always love you, unconditionally<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

            Someone once told me that, after a breakup, your heart should only hurt for half the amount of time the relationship lasted. So, a two-year relationship would equal a year of mourning, and a ten-year relationship will hurt for five years. Bullshit. I had relationships which lasted months but hurt for years. There\u2019s a girl I dated in High School that I haven\u2019t seen for 15 years, but I still think about calling her. Luckily, thanks to science and psychology, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":27,"featured_media":30363,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[925,924,923],"tags":[],"coauthors":[],"class_list":["post-30362","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-committed","category-dating","category-single"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n5 Reasons You Shouldn\u2019t Contact Your Ex<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"5 Reasons You Shouldn\u2019t Contact Your Ex\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Someone once told me that, after a breakup, your heart should only hurt for half the amount of time the relationship lasted. So, a two-year relationship would equal a year of mourning, and a ten-year relationship will hurt for five years. Bullshit. I had relationships which lasted months but hurt for years. There\u2019s a girl I dated in High School that I haven\u2019t seen for 15 years, but I still think about calling her. Luckily, thanks to science and psychology, […]\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Volont\u00e9\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/LELO.Official\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2020-06-26T10:16:35+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2020-06-30T11:49:22+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/reasons-why-not-to-contact-your-ex.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"660\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"330\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Stuart Nugent\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@Lelo_Official\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@Lelo_Official\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Stuart Nugent\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/\",\"name\":\"5 Reasons You Shouldn\u2019t Contact Your Ex\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/reasons-why-not-to-contact-your-ex.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2020-06-26T10:16:35+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2020-06-30T11:49:22+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/1605b31c2d1346d864aae6f6c44dac50\"},\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/reasons-why-not-to-contact-your-ex.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/reasons-why-not-to-contact-your-ex.jpg\",\"width\":660,\"height\":330,\"caption\":\"Reasons You Shouldn\u2019t Contact Your Ex\"},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Volonte\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/sex-relationships\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":3,\"name\":\"Committed Relationship\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/sex-relationships\/committed\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":4,\"name\":\"5 Reasons You Shouldn\u2019t Contact Your Ex\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/\",\"name\":\"Volont\u00e9\",\"description\":\"A Pleasure Project by LELO\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/1605b31c2d1346d864aae6f6c44dac50\",\"name\":\"Stuart Nugent\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/fa5a6a14328b3190731a72f994c90afb\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2f4d70a8164cd4edeb201ab59dc8657d?s=96&d=mm&r=pg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2f4d70a8164cd4edeb201ab59dc8657d?s=96&d=mm&r=pg\",\"caption\":\"Stuart Nugent\"},\"description\":\"With 16 years in the adult industry, including many years at LELO, it's fair to say Stu has been around the sex toy block a few times. As LELO's resident sex geek, he's been featured in the Independent, the Guardian, HuffPost, Vice, Cosmopolitan, and anywhere people talk about sex. Here on Volonte, he turns his spotlight onto the important events affecting sex right now in a regular op-ed. Views are his own.\",\"sameAs\":[\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/in\/stu-nugent-48971b31\/\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/author\/stuart\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"5 Reasons You Shouldn\u2019t Contact Your Ex","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"5 Reasons You Shouldn\u2019t Contact Your Ex","og_description":"Someone once told me that, after a breakup, your heart should only hurt for half the amount of time the relationship lasted. So, a two-year relationship would equal a year of mourning, and a ten-year relationship will hurt for five years. Bullshit. I had relationships which lasted months but hurt for years. There\u2019s a girl I dated in High School that I haven\u2019t seen for 15 years, but I still think about calling her. Luckily, thanks to science and psychology, […]","og_url":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/","og_site_name":"Volont\u00e9","article_publisher":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/LELO.Official\/","article_published_time":"2020-06-26T10:16:35+00:00","article_modified_time":"2020-06-30T11:49:22+00:00","og_image":[{"width":660,"height":330,"url":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/reasons-why-not-to-contact-your-ex.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Stuart Nugent","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_creator":"@Lelo_Official","twitter_site":"@Lelo_Official","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Stuart Nugent","Est. reading time":"4 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/","url":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/","name":"5 Reasons You Shouldn\u2019t Contact Your Ex","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/reasons-why-not-to-contact-your-ex.jpg","datePublished":"2020-06-26T10:16:35+00:00","dateModified":"2020-06-30T11:49:22+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/1605b31c2d1346d864aae6f6c44dac50"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/reasons-why-not-to-contact-your-ex.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/reasons-why-not-to-contact-your-ex.jpg","width":660,"height":330,"caption":"Reasons You Shouldn\u2019t Contact Your Ex"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/reasons-you-shouldnt-contact-your-ex\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Volonte","item":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS","item":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/sex-relationships\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"name":"Committed Relationship","item":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/sex-relationships\/committed\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":4,"name":"5 Reasons You Shouldn\u2019t Contact Your Ex"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/","name":"Volont\u00e9","description":"A Pleasure Project by LELO","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/1605b31c2d1346d864aae6f6c44dac50","name":"Stuart Nugent","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/fa5a6a14328b3190731a72f994c90afb","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2f4d70a8164cd4edeb201ab59dc8657d?s=96&d=mm&r=pg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2f4d70a8164cd4edeb201ab59dc8657d?s=96&d=mm&r=pg","caption":"Stuart Nugent"},"description":"With 16 years in the adult industry, including many years at LELO, it's fair to say Stu has been around the sex toy block a few times. As LELO's resident sex geek, he's been featured in the Independent, the Guardian, HuffPost, Vice, Cosmopolitan, and anywhere people talk about sex. Here on Volonte, he turns his spotlight onto the important events affecting sex right now in a regular op-ed. Views are his own.","sameAs":["https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/in\/stu-nugent-48971b31\/"],"url":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/author\/stuart\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30362","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/27"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=30362"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30362\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":30451,"href":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30362\/revisions\/30451"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/30363"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=30362"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=30362"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=30362"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/coauthors?post=30362"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}