{"id":33666,"date":"2021-04-13T21:55:57","date_gmt":"2021-04-13T19:55:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=33666"},"modified":"2021-04-23T10:28:19","modified_gmt":"2021-04-23T08:28:19","slug":"female-pleasure-faqs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/female-pleasure-faqs\/","title":{"rendered":"Ask a Doctor: Female Pleasure FAQs with Dr. Zhana"},"content":{"rendered":"

Hi everyone, this is Dr. Zhana. I\u2019m a professor of human sexuality at New York University and resident LELO sexpert. This month was International Women\u2019s Day<\/a>, so we\u2019re going to talk about female desire.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\"dr<\/p>\n

I want women to feel comfortable talking about sensuality.<\/h3>\n

I want that too, so badly! Unfortunately, we live in a world that stigmatizes and suppresses female sexuality so much, so we have to fight extra hard against it. It\u2019s possible to fight it: by speaking out, by educating, by having conversations with each other.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

How to become more comfortable with my own pleasure?<\/h3>\n

Three steps: 1) Educate yourself as much as possible about female pleasure, 2) make time to explore your body and what gives it pleasure, and 3) surround yourself with sex-positive friends and partners who will support you in your seeking pleasure rather than shame you for it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Do most women have a clear idea of what relationships they want? Or not until they get it?<\/h3>\n

I actually think that most people, regardless of gender, don\u2019t have a great idea of the kind of relationship they want because we\u2019re never encouraged to explore this. We\u2019re given one type of relationship: long-term<\/a>, heterosexual, monogamy<\/a>, living together with kids, and that\u2019s it. And while that works well for some people, it does not work for many others. Yet so many of us never figure it out, even after a lot of trial and error, because all the other options are so heavily stigmatized. I actually teach a whole online course on finding <\/span>the right relationship type for you<\/span>.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think women want a partner who desires them and cares about their desires.<\/h3>\n

I think almost everyone wants a partner who desires them and cares about their desires. Unfortunately, women often don\u2019t get that because we\u2019re all socialized in this patriarchal system, which teaches all of us that women\u2019s sexual desires don\u2019t matter (or shouldn\u2019t even exist).<\/span><\/p>\n

How to make her reach orgasm without penetration?<\/h3>\n

First of all, thank you for asking how to make her come without penetration. Men are all too often fixated on penetration as the end-all, be-all of sex that they never even consider some of the other ways. And there are so many other ways to provide pleasure to vulva-owners! In fact, about 70% of women don\u2019t even orgasm from penetration alone!<\/span><\/p>\n

There are three main non-penetrative avenues for making vulva-owners orgasm: 1) using your fingers and hands<\/a>, 2) using your mouth and tongue<\/a>, and 3) using toys<\/a>. I highly recommend you master all 3 methods and the different ways in which you can administer them because different women will have different preferences.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Teaching you how to use these methods goes beyond the scope of this Q&A, but I will tell you one thing – do NOT learn from porn. Mainstream porn is not how real female orgasms happen<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m a 25F virgin. And I\u2019m looking to pleasure myself without penetration. Help!<\/h3>\n

Luckily, external clitoral stimulation is the primary source of orgasm for most clit-owners, so use either your fingers or one of the many LELO toys specifically for external stimulation like the Lily<\/a>, Sona<\/a>, Smart Wand<\/a>, Siri<\/a>…<\/span><\/p>\n

Is it bad if I only cum when I use toys?<\/h3>\n

Bad? No. It\u2019s amazing! It\u2019s amazing that you have a reliable method for you to have orgasms. There are a lot of women on this planet who can\u2019t say that, who either haven\u2019t discovered toys yet or haven\u2019t been able to come even with toys, so congratulations! That said you can always try to expand the range of activities that give you pleasure. Those are some very fun explorations and I highly encourage you to do it. And if that doesn\u2019t happen, it\u2019s okay. We\u2019re all built a little differently, there is nothing wrong with you. It\u2019s still really fun and pleasurable to explore.<\/span><\/p>\n

I feel like it\u2019s uncomfortable and not normal to use toys. I want to feel like it\u2019s normal!<\/h3>\n

I hear you, the stigma is real! And this is so sad, because using toys is perfectly normal! Which is why it\u2019s so important to connect with sex-positive partners, friends, and community; people who are going to tell you \u201ctoys are amazing, here let me show you all my favorite ones\u201d. <opens sex toy drawer>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

What do you think about double penetration?<\/h3>\n

I absolutely LOVE double penetration. I love love love love love love love it SO much! You can\u2019t understand! Ladies, if you like anal, I beg you to try DP!<\/span><\/p>\n

Proactive ways to work on the orgasm gap.<\/h3>\n

Orgasm gap<\/a> = many more men having orgasms than women during partnered sex. There are two ways to close this gap:<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Encourage women to speak up and know what they like and speak up about what they like with their partners.<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. Encourage men to care about women\u2019s orgasms, pleasure, and desire and actually get good at providing that.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    There are a myriad of ways to work on accomplishing these things, and we all have a responsibility in moving the needle, however slightly.<\/span><\/p>\n

    What can I do to fulfill my desires if I want to be more adventurous than my partner does?<\/h3>\n

    This is something I hear more and more from women these days. There are a lot of sexually adventurous women out there! The easiest way to explore that is to have some sort of an open or open-ish relationship with your partner. There are so many different ways to incorporate some level of openness, however slight, into an existing relationship that you\u2019re bound to find some version of that that works for you and your partner, even if it\u2019s just you doing the exploring. One relationship format that I think would work for a lot of people is \u201cmonogamish,\u201d relationships that are mostly monogamous with a little bit of openness.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Hi everyone, this is Dr. Zhana. I\u2019m a professor of human sexuality at New York University and resident LELO sexpert. This month was International Women\u2019s Day, so we\u2019re going to talk about female desire.\u00a0 I want women to feel comfortable talking about sensuality. I want that too, so badly! Unfortunately, we live in a world that stigmatizes and suppresses female sexuality so much, so we have to fight extra hard against it. It\u2019s possible to fight it: by speaking out, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":54,"featured_media":33667,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[922],"tags":[909,669],"coauthors":[938],"class_list":["post-33666","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-orgasm","tag-fact-checked-by-doctor","tag-sexual-health"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nAsk a Doctor: Female Pleasure FAQs with Dr. Zhana<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/female-pleasure-faqs\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Ask a Doctor: Female Pleasure FAQs with Dr. Zhana\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Hi everyone, this is Dr. Zhana. I\u2019m a professor of human sexuality at New York University and resident LELO sexpert. This month was International Women\u2019s Day, so we\u2019re going to talk about female desire.\u00a0 I want women to feel comfortable talking about sensuality. I want that too, so badly! Unfortunately, we live in a world that stigmatizes and suppresses female sexuality so much, so we have to fight extra hard against it. 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