{"id":34133,"date":"2021-06-03T13:00:40","date_gmt":"2021-06-03T11:00:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=34133"},"modified":"2026-02-18T06:01:38","modified_gmt":"2026-02-18T05:01:38","slug":"why-we-crave-rough-sex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/why-we-crave-rough-sex\/","title":{"rendered":"Rough Sex\u2014Why Do We Crave It?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/author\/lauriemintz\/\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"doctor-banner alignnone wp-image-47728 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/laurie-mintz-doctor-review-banner-white.jpg\" alt=\"lelo laurie mintz doctor review\" width=\"270\" height=\"90\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sex is one of the best ways to build intimacy and connect with your partner. When you&#8217;re both naked, bodies touching, sensually moving together while keeping each other&#8217;s gaze, the atmosphere is very romantic and pleasant.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But sometimes, you just don&#8217;t want to do it sweet and soft. Sometimes, you just want to be thrown on the bed and railed until you forget your own name or which city you live in.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And that&#8217;s where rough sex comes into play.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">While rough sex is considered to be something kinky and out of the normal bedroom behavior, more and more people are engaging in it. In fact, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/link.springer.com\/article\/10.1007\/s10508-021-01917-w\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">according to the latest study<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, around 80% of people are engaging in rough sex activities with their current romantic and sexual partners.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">More and more people are interested in venturing outside their usual experiences to explore the concept of rough sex and what it has to offer.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So, what exactly is rough sex, and why do we crave it?\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What Is Rough Sex?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It&#8217;s not easy to define what exactly rough sex is, as the definition of what &#8220;rough&#8221; is, varies from person to person. But the general definition of rough sex is any sexual activities that involve pain or that are aggressive.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It could be anything from hard kissing, roleplay, hard-thrusting, hair pulling, or any sort of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/bdsm-toys-tips-for-beginners\/\">BDSM and bondage activities<\/a>. The specter of activities is very broad, and the definition of what is aggressive to some people will be wildly different.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">While most people believe that rough sex has to inflict at least a certain amount of pain to be considered rough, it&#8217;s not necessarily true. You don&#8217;t have to participate in sadomasochistic sexual activity if you don&#8217;t find pleasure in pain.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Even aggressive and more demanding language can be counted as part of rough sex.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For example, when you&#8217;re talking dirty to your partner, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/give-good-sext-best-sexting-examples\/\">sexting<\/a>, or when you&#8217;re in the middle of BDSM play and your partner gives you commands. All of that is also part of rough sex.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What Rough Sex Is NOT<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Rough sex is sexual activity between two people who both consent to activities taking place and both equally enjoy it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If parties involved in rough sex are not both consenting and enthusiastically enjoying it, or there was a lack of communication for such activity from either side, then it&#8217;s not rough sex. It&#8217;s a sexual assault and a serious crime.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you&#8217;re interested in exploring rough sex, it should be clear that you communicate with your partner and agree that both of you are interested in trying out something outside vanilla sex before you do anything.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Why Do We Enjoy Rough Sex?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Some might argue that the appeal of rough sex could be credited to our habits of porn and what we see on our screens. According to <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.pornhub.com\/insights\/extreme-categories\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Pornhub&#8217;s statistics<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, rough sex has been a fairly popular category for the last seven years and running.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And what&#8217;s even more interesting is that the numbers show that women are 63% more likely to view the rough sex category than men are.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And while it&#8217;s true that porn does influence our sexual behavior as many young people and teenagers use it as their only form of sex education, these numbers don&#8217;t necessarily mean that porn made us want rough sex.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It more so gives an insight into the fact that more people crave rough sex, and it should be considered a norm instead of being labeled as extreme or kinky.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Social psychologist Dr. Justin Lehmiller discusses the recent findings of the study published in the <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/link.springer.com\/article\/10.1007\/s40806-019-00196-y\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Evolutionary Psychological Science<\/span><\/i><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> on why people crave rough sex and get more aroused by it<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">He writes, &#8220;Men and women alike reported that it tended to be more arousing and that their orgasms were more intense.&#8221; This alone is a valid explanation for our need to indulge in rough sex as it has a better payoff in terms of more intense orgasms.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Dr. Justin Lehmiller writes, &#8220;women reported reaching orgasm faster&#8230; faster orgasms might be part of the appeal of this activity to women.&#8221;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The pleasure gap<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> is a real thing, and women are the ones suffering because of it. If rough sex enhances the sexual experience and gets women faster to the finish line, then the fascination with rough sex is a reasonable thing.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Connection Between Pain and Pleasure<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sometimes, rough sex will involve pain from spanking, choking, or in some other cases, consensual physical violence like punching.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Pain is usually an emotion we&#8217;re trying to avoid as humans, as it indicates to us that it&#8217;s a dangerous activity and can result in death. This is why we learn to avoid things like touching a hot stove or playing with knives at a very young age.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">However, the relationship between pain and pleasure is way more complex than pain, indicating a threat to us. A study published in <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.nature.com\/articles\/nrn2333\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Nature Reviews Neuroscience<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> shows that sensations of pain and pleasure activate the same parts of our brain.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Whenever we experience pain or pleasure, the brain region involved in the reward system, regulating the motivation-driven behaviors, lights up the same way.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So, whenever you&#8217;re engaging in rough sex activities and enjoy them, your brain releases happy hormones, which in turn make you want to engage in the same activity more in the future.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It&#8217;s also important to mention that we don&#8217;t feel pain the same way in a positive and negative environment.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/pmc\/articles\/PMC4201897\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Research shows<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> that the sensation of pain tends to decrease when we&#8217;re experiencing pain in a positive environment, for example, when we&#8217;re having sex with our partner.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So, the pain we experience during rough sex play doesn&#8217;t feel the same way as if you were attacked on the street.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Rough Sex Helps Escape the Daily Routine<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Another reason why some people tend to engage in rough sex is looking for a way to spice up their sex lives. Dr. Justin Lehmiller writes, &#8220;among the more common triggers were the need for sexual novelty (in other words, just wanting to try something new and different).&#8221;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Pain and engaging in BDSM activities also help people detach from their day-to-day life and escape the problems of adulthood. <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/utpjournals.press\/doi\/abs\/10.3138\/cjhs.2467\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One study published in 2015<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> shows that people who engage in BDSM do so because it helps them de-stress and escape the problems of their daily life.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It&#8217;s common for rough sex play and BDSM to include roleplays and even switching roles of who&#8217;s the dominant one in real life and who&#8217;s submissive between couples, and it is liberating.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Dealing With Trauma Through Rough Sex<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For the longest time, there has been a misconception that people who are kinky and enjoy sexual experiences outside of vanilla sex are somewhat &#8220;damaged&#8221; or struggle with mental illnesses.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sex experts and psychologists have denied this to be true throughout the years. One doesn&#8217;t have to suffer from mental illness to enjoy kinky or non-traditional sex.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Samuel Hughes<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, a psychological researcher at the University of California, Santa Cruz, researches people&#8217;s kinks and how they develop and affect their lives.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">During his time researching, he noticed that some people who enjoyed kinky sex had experienced trauma and hardships in their lives, even though they were not the majority.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">He discovered that some people who had had those experiences use their kinks as a way to relive those hardships and traumas with the sense of having control over it and healing.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Hughes <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">writes<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, &#8220;For example, a <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">sexual assault<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> survivor might initially feel afraid, weak, and powerless during their actual sexual assault.&#8221; However, simulating that assault via consensual roleplaying with a trusted partner can help them feel powerful (because they consensually negotiated and agreed to it, and can use a safeword to stop the scene), strong (because they feel they can get through whatever physical pain or intensity comes their way), and brave, for facing what can often be dark times in their past head-on.&#8221;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So, some people might enjoy rough sex play as it helps them regain control over what had happened to them, finding their way into healing from trauma and hardship.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How To Safely Explore Rough Sex Activities<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">BDSM play has clear rules that people usually set and tend to refer to whenever they plan on engaging in the activity. Some people go even as far as creating contracts to set boundaries.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">While some parts of BDSM are involved in rough sex play, it&#8217;s not fully counted as part of BDSM and is regarded as something more casual. This, in turn, leaves a lot of space for miscommunication and negative experiences.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For this reason, if you&#8217;re interested in engaging in rough sex with your partner, you should be open and honest and don&#8217;t just go with it, assuming your partner is on board.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Consent is important for any sexual activity, but it should be extremely clear when it comes to engaging in aggressive sex, which can be violent and triggering for some people.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Clearly Communicating Your Wants and Needs<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you&#8217;re interested in exploring violent sex with your partner, the first thing you should do is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/communication-as-a-tool-for-better-sex\/\">communicate your wants and needs<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Simply jumping your partner or start choking them in the middle of intercours is definitely not the right way <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">to introduce rough sex play.\u00a0<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You can never know what could trigger them or how they would feel, even if your intentions are to seduce or spice things up spontaneously.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You don&#8217;t need to write up elaborate contracts like some BDSM practitioners like to do. However, clearly discussing what it is that turns you on, what would be a fun thing to try, and if your partner is on board is crucial before engaging in any type of rough sex.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Setting Boundaries<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Setting boundaries and even coming up with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/deciding-hard-limits-safe-words\/\">safe words are crucial<\/a> for a healthy and safe aggressive sex play.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When you&#8217;re communicating your needs and wants to your partner, it&#8217;s important to let them know how far you&#8217;re willing to go and what makes you uncomfortable or is your no-go zone.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If your partner finds something arousing, while you don&#8217;t, don&#8217;t be pressured into an activity that&#8217;s uncomfortable for you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It&#8217;s also a good idea to stay on the safe side and have a safe word if you intend on engaging in rough sex play, which involves <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/explore-sexual-role-playing\/\">roleplaying<\/a>. This way you can enjoy the roleplay while still having a safe way out if things get uncomfortable.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Don\u2019t Forget Aftercare<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/bdsm-beginners-aftercare\/\">Aftercare<\/a> is a huge part of BDSM practice when the dominant partner ensures to take care of the submissive&#8217;s emotional needs after the play is done.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Even if you enjoy being tortured or in pain or humiliated during sex, you might still experience the low after sex, which aftercare, as simple as cuddling, can help soothe.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Rough sex play might not be as intense as BDSM, <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">depending on the preferences that you and your partner have<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, but dedicating five or ten minutes after sex <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">to<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> cuddling, kissing, or simply lying together in bed can make a huge difference to the whole experience.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So, don&#8217;t dismiss the importance of aftercare and make sure that you and your partner are feeling taken care of and loved after the rough play.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Sex is one of the best ways to build intimacy and connect with your partner. When you&#8217;re both naked, bodies touching, sensually moving together while keeping each other&#8217;s gaze, the atmosphere is very romantic and pleasant.\u00a0 But sometimes, you just don&#8217;t want to do it sweet and soft. Sometimes, you just want to be thrown on the bed and railed until you forget your own name or which city you live in.\u00a0 And that&#8217;s where rough sex comes into play.\u00a0 [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":226,"featured_media":45670,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[918,17],"tags":[909,669],"coauthors":[1007,943],"class_list":["post-34133","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-bdsm","category-sexual-health","tag-fact-checked-by-doctor","tag-sexual-health"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v24.8.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The Psychology Behind Why People Are So Into Rough Sex<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Interested in explirig rough sex? 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