{"id":34788,"date":"2021-06-18T13:00:25","date_gmt":"2021-06-18T11:00:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=34788"},"modified":"2024-11-18T03:54:00","modified_gmt":"2024-11-18T02:54:00","slug":"kinks-and-fetishes-dr-zhana","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/kinks-and-fetishes-dr-zhana\/","title":{"rendered":"Are My Kinks\/Fetishes Normal? Dr. Zhana"},"content":{"rendered":"

Hi everyone, this is Dr. Zhana and it\u2019s time to talk about kinks! I got some really good questions from you that I can\u2019t wait to answer them!<\/span><\/p>\n

\"kinks<\/p>\n

What is the shortest explanation for \u2018kink\u2019?<\/h3>\n

It\u2019s always good to start with definitions! And the shortest one I can give you for kink is \u201can unusual or uncommon sexual interest.\u201d That means statistically rare or deemed by a culture to be out of the ordinary.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Can you explain the difference between a kink and a fetish<\/a>?<\/h3>\n

Kink and fetish are often used interchangeably, essentially giving \u201cfetish\u201d the same broad meaning as kink (which, as I mentioned, is an umbrella term for unusual or uncommon sexual interests).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

However, fetish also has a more specific meaning in psychology. It refers to sexual fixation on things like objects, non-sexual body parts, materials, and bodily fluids. And, in the strictest definition, it also requires that that object or material is present for the person to get aroused and\/or reach orgasm.<\/span><\/p>\n

What\u2019s one of the most interesting fetishes you\u2019ve come across?<\/h3>\n

This is a hard one for me to answer because I\u2019m so non-judgemental when it comes to people\u2019s desires that none of the kinks phase me. So I only have kinks that I myself can relate to and find hot, and others that I\u2019m like \u201ceh\u201d or like \u201cthat\u2019s kind of bizarre, but whatever floats your boat\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

My BF likes to slap me when we fuck. I\u2019m female. I consent. Thoughts? Am I weird?<\/h3>\n

Girl, you are SO normal. That is so hot what you just described! There are so many people on this planet who love to get slapped or would like to get slapped while getting fucked. It\u2019s actually not a very uncommon sexual fantasy even though we deemed it weird.<\/span><\/p>\n

In our subsequent LELO IG poll, 62% of respondents said they\u2019ve fantasized about being slapped during sex (with consent), and 44% said they\u2019ve fantasized about slapping their partner during sex (with consent).<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

I\u2019m gender queer (out) but have fantasies of being \u201cforced\u201d to dress slutty w\/ a collar\/leash<\/h3>\n

Yeah, people of all genders can have fantasies about being \u201cforced\u201d to crossdress as a different gender or in a way that they wouldn\u2019t normally dress, like super slutty or something. Very normal, very common, and very hot.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In our IG Poll, 69% of respondents said they had fantasized about being \u201cforced\u201d to do something sexual that they supposedly didn\u2019t want, but secretly did?<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cForced\u201d fantasies can be really hot, but they need to be done safely with a partner we trust and have prenegotiated boundaries with.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m a girl who likes the idea of doing stuff with a girl, but I\u2019m not interested in relationships with girls. Does this make me bi?<\/h3>\n

There are actually a lot of people who are curious about or interested in same-sex partners for sexual explorations but not enough for long-term relationships. Now does that make you bi? Well, it certainly makes you not entirely straight in your desires and fantasies. But whether or not you apply the bisexual<\/a> label to yourself, that actually depends on you. And there are a lot of different ways that people can take the exact same attractions or interests or behaviors and make sense of them in terms of their identity.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

IG Poll: Would you like to get sexual with a member of your own sex\/gender? 69% said yes<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

IG Poll: If you were interested in having sex with same-sex partners, but not relationships, would you consider yourself bisexual? 49% said yes<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Why do people like to be hurt or get hurt during sex<\/a>?<\/h3>\n

That\u2019s a complex question we don\u2019t have a clear answer on. Some of it is biological predisposition, some of it is early experiences with sexual arousal in the presence of pain, some of it is probably sexual sensation seeking as a personality trait, some of it might be healing from trauma, etc. It will be a different mix in different people\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

I had BDSM fetishes<\/a> with my (only) ex and with my BF now all I want is vanilla. Why?<\/h3>\n

I can\u2019t tell you exactly why it happened to you. But many of our sexual preferences, maybe even most, are not set in stone. They change and evolve over the course of our lives, depending on what\u2019s going on in our lives. And many of them are also very partner-specific, so this is perfectly normal.<\/span><\/p>\n

Is it okay to visit a dungeon and only look at what\u2019s happening there? Not ready to try anything yet.<\/h3>\n

Absolutely! Most dungeons and other kink parties<\/a> would be happy to have you come and just look, observe, soak it in, learn, and then come back and play when you\u2019re ready. Organizers are very aware that not everyone is ready to play right away, some of us need some time. Take your time. And tell the organizers you\u2019re new, they will usually show you around and make you feel welcome.<\/span><\/p>\n

Texting juicy dirty stuff<\/a> really turns me ON<\/h3>\n

Me too!<\/span><\/p>\n

IG Poll: Does texting dirty, juicy things turn you on? 85% said yes<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

How do you discuss your very specific kinks to a partner?<\/h3>\n

Read and have your partner read Justin Lehmiller\u2019s book <\/span>Tell Me What You Want<\/span><\/i>. Then talk about it.<\/span><\/p>\n

How best to teach my very non-dominant partner what I like when being dominated?<\/h3>\n

We have to understand that people vary quite a bit on the trait of dominance, and those who are on the low end of the spectrum might not have the personality or interest to ever become a good sexual dominant<\/a>. So your partner has to be on board. That said there are SO many resources to teach someone how to be a good dom. I can\u2019t list all of them here, but one of my favorite ways, especially for newbies into kink, is the online course by my friend and partner, <\/span>Kenneth Play<\/span>, which I think is amazing.<\/span><\/p>\n

What are safe ways for people to find communities that they can explore kink and BDSM with?<\/h3>\n

This will depend on where you are geographically in the world, but an easy place to find a lot of different communities and events is on F<\/span>etLife<\/span>, the \u201cFacebook for kinky adults,\u201d and from there you meet people. Do your research about the event you\u2019re attending, bring a buddy, stay sober.<\/span><\/p>\n

What turns me on can often make me anxious\u2026 thoughts?<\/h3>\n

That\u2019s also common and perfectly normal. Sadly, we live in a world that stigmatizes and shames so many kinks<\/a> and sexual desires and we internalize that negativity and it causes anxiety. And a lot of these things are new and risque. Play around with that anxiety, listen to it, work around it, but don\u2019t let it run your life.<\/span><\/p>\n

IG Poll: Do you sometimes feel anxiety about the things that turn you on? 60% said yes<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

I like the sensation of sharp fingernails on my penis but my fiancee is scared she\u2019ll hurt me<\/h3>\n

That\u2019s pretty hot. And it has a pretty low likelihood of permanent damage or any kind of serious injury. So you just have to reassure your fiancee that you\u2019ll be fine and that a couple of scratch marks that are gonna heal easily are just fine.<\/span><\/p>\n

Thank you for another great set of questions!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Audience submitted kinky fantasies:<\/h3>\n