{"id":36594,"date":"2021-08-16T13:00:49","date_gmt":"2021-08-16T11:00:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=36594"},"modified":"2021-09-06T13:44:49","modified_gmt":"2021-09-06T11:44:49","slug":"polyamory-and-compersion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/polyamory-and-compersion\/","title":{"rendered":"Compersion: The #1 Way to Succeed in Polyamory"},"content":{"rendered":"

Polyamory has as many perks as a garden\u2019s got roses, and smells just as sweet. All that community, camaraderie, and abundant communication, plus a whole spate of sweet humans in your life who love you \u2013 and not to mention that ever-evolving sex life. Is there anything better?<\/span><\/p>\n

\"polyamory<\/p>\n

Looking at it from the outside, opening your romantic life up to polyamory can feel like a concept ripped straight out of Eden. But like all gardens, it\u2019s one thing to take a stroll and look around; it\u2019s a whole other to get immersed in taking care of it yourself. <\/span><\/p>\n

If you\u2019d like to eat that juicy fruit right off the vine, you need to put effort and time in every single day for it to grow. And the same as how a garden needs water if it\u2019s ever going to flower, your polyamorous lifestyle needs one special component to get it nice and lush and thriving \u2013 and that ingredient is compersion.<\/span><\/p>\n

What is compersion?<\/span><\/h2>\n

The cornerstone of successful polyamory<\/a>, compersion is a must if you\u2019re planning on opening the doors of your relationship to other humans. If you\u2019re polyamorous, you and your partners will be forging intimate connections with other people. No matter the configuration of polyamory you\u2019re in, odds are your partners will be seeing at least one other person. To not only weather that reality but thrive in it \u2013 especially as you first transition out of the monogamous mindset \u2013 you\u2019ll need compersion to keep you afloat.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Best described as the opposite of jealousy, compersion is that feeling of joy that bubbles up in you when you watch someone else enjoying success or happiness. Rather than comparing their success or good fortune to your own circumstances, compersion (at its simplest) is feeling happy for someone else just because they\u2019re happy.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes though, jealousy<\/a> wants to keep that compersion at bay. Romance aside, think about the feeling you get when you see someone else enjoying the career path you wished you had. It can be so frustrating to feel like you\u2019re not making the progress you wish you were \u2013 and by extension, it may be hard to feel excited for the person enjoying that success. <\/span><\/p>\n

Likewise, when monogamous folks see someone else getting cozy with their significant other, that same jealousy, anger, or fear can boil over and cause problems at home. With compersion, that feeling takes a backseat to the joy of seeing a person you love enjoy themselves. When people feel compersion \u2013 truly and authentically \u2013 they\u2019re freed up to be the happiest person they can be without comparing their circumstances to others.<\/span><\/p>\n

Why does it matter?<\/span><\/h2>\n

Take a second to reflect on some of the stupider, more drawn-out fights in your romantic relationships. Then think about the times you may have acted petty. How many of those moments were because of jealousy? How about because you felt scarce in the moment?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Compersion is vital to any relationship \u2013 even monogamous ones \u2013 because jealousy is the root of countless arguments and moments of tension. Often, couples fight when they\u2019re jealous over things that haven\u2019t even happened. Jealousy encourages the downward spiral and gets folks imagining all kinds of things that didn\u2019t happen or haven\u2019t yet happened.<\/span><\/p>\n

Likewise, when we\u2019re jealous, we don\u2019t communicate. We hold our cards close and treat our relationship like a game rather than a partnership between two human beings who are just trying their best.<\/span><\/p>\n

When you invite compersion into your life, you\u2019ll find it easier to zoom out a little and see your partners as autonomous individuals with hopes and goals, rather than folks serving out roles in a relationship. With compersion at the centerpiece of your romantic interactions, you\u2019ll find it so much easier to focus on both your partner\u2019s happiness and your own. And when you both feel like you can talk to each other authentically without the other getting defensive and jealous, trust is built. <\/span><\/p>\n

Not only do you trust them to come home to you, you also trust them to have a greater sense of self, to take care of who they are, and to communicate better with you about even the littlest things. The more trust you have, the greater the heights your love will take you to.<\/span><\/p>\n

For polyamory, there\u2019s nothing more critical than that sense of peace and open communication<\/a>. Compersion is essential to finding calm in the midst of change, especially when it\u2019s your relationship dynamic that\u2019s doing the changing. With compersion in your corner, you have support systems in place with your partners that help you both communicate throughout these big changes.<\/span><\/p>\n

That being said, compersion has its place in monogamy too. Even people who have no interest in opening their relationship\u2019s doors can stand to grow from trusting their partner to do what\u2019s best, act with integrity, and feel excited for them as they seek out new opportunities and friendships.<\/span><\/p>\n

Think about it. If we\u2019re having a hard time making the career moves we want and our partner suddenly gets a big promotion, it\u2019s easy to feel jealous instead of excited for the person we love. When we\u2019re jealous of their success, it\u2019s difficult to be as present and supportive as our partners need and deserve. In a way, jealousy has taken their special moment and turned it into something about us. That\u2019s where compersion comes in. <\/span><\/p>\n

In monogamous relationships, jealousy about the little things, like who your partner befriends or talking for too long with someone new, can trigger resentment and conflict. Acknowledging that jealousy isn\u2019t serving either of you would open you up to more intimacy and happiness thanks to the way you both work together to support each other thoroughly.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Polyamorous, monogamous, or ethically non-monogamous, compersion is something every relationship needs if it hopes to stand a chance at thriving.<\/span><\/p>\n

How do I cultivate compersion?\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n

Like anything, learning compersion is a process. It\u2019s not something that just comes to fruition overnight. Instead, it has to be cultivated and nurtured for it to flourish in our relationships. And like all good things, that takes work.<\/span><\/p>\n

You\u2019ve already got the right idea in mind by reading up on compersion right here and now. Doing some research, reading, and watching videos on the topic are all great ways to help you see compersion in action and better understand why you\u2019re feeling how you\u2019re feeling. If you\u2019re really struggling with jealousy, consider getting your hands on <\/span>The Jealousy Workbook<\/span><\/i> by Kathy Labriola. Either working alone or with your partners, you can work through the questions and activities to think more about what sparks that jealousy and what framework from your past has informed your present moment.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

However, self-improvement books and theoretical jargon don\u2019t get you very far when you\u2019re elbows deep in your first threesome. For polyamory in practice, there\u2019s nothing more important when building compersion than trust. Compersion comes more naturally when you trust your partners to always treat you with dignity and respect. <\/span><\/p>\n

If you\u2019re worried your partners will start lying or being dishonest in their romantic entanglements<\/a> with folks that aren\u2019t you, it\u2019s easy to feel scarce. When that\u2019s the case, compersion is in short supply. By fostering trust through clear communication and being vulnerable with one another, you can build a foundation for compersion that you and your partners can all grow on.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

While you\u2019re establishing that trust \u2013 or if you and your partner(s) already trust each other fully, build that compersion in you by seeking out the feeling in non-romantic or sexual settings. Whenever something good happens to others, really let yourself feel happy and excited for them, especially when it\u2019s difficult for you. Whether that\u2019s a new promotion, baking some great bread, or getting some new thing off the internet you\u2019ve been dying to buy for months now, explore feeling excited for them, rather than comparing it to your own success or feeling jealous. The more you explore compersion in these more neutral settings, the more natural it\u2019ll feel when you\u2019re cultivating it in your polyamorous relationships.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As you grow, be patient with yourself. And remember: concepts are one thing; making it a reality is another. A good place to start incorporating the feeling into your life\u2019s fabric is noticing the moments when you\u2019re jealous \u2013 and asking yourself what compersion might feel like in those situations instead. At times, you might even find your compersion popping up right alongside your jealousy. It makes sense; while you want to be happy for them \u2013 but you feel jealous, too. That\u2019s totally okay; we\u2019re all a work in progress, right?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When that jealousy crops up (and it will), seek out compersion instead and ask yourself what you can be excited about for your partners. Find the positives and embrace them. Letting your partners know that you support them and are happy for them \u2013 even while you\u2019re still working through your jealousy \u2013 will only help you cultivate that feeling in real time. <\/span><\/p>\n

Are you jealous about personal time? Sex? Gift giving? When one person gives another any kind of general attention? Whatever it is, see what happens when you explore those instances through the lens of compersion. What kinds of things would your partner(s) be feeling that make them happy at that moment? Even if you don\u2019t truly feel it in your body, just thinking about what compersion might make you feel can help you establish the framework in the context of your own personal life, making compersion something real, instead of just a concept.<\/span><\/p>\n

But compersion isn\u2019t a solo act. If you\u2019re heading into polyamory, you already know communication is a must. And there\u2019s no better way to help your compersion actually take root than by talking it out with your partners. Start by being vulnerable about your feelings. Oddly, discussing your jealousy is a great way to let it go. Tell your partner that you want to feel compersion, but are struggling and still have feelings of jealousy. <\/span><\/p>\n

Make it clear you want to work on this as a team and grow together. Talk both about the feelings you\u2019re having, as well as the feelings you want to have \u2013 talk about how you hope to be excited for them, rather than jealous, and together you can develop strategies for making that compersion into a reality.<\/span><\/p>\n

Of course, all of that works much more easily if you and your partners talk out your boundaries and hopes for each relationship. Avoid falling into unicorn-hunting territory as you do by keeping compersion at the forefront of your mind. Imagine what all partners must be feeling and what they\u2019re hoping for out of a relationship. <\/span><\/p>\n

Be open to what your partners say, and really listen as they talk it out. Make sure all boundaries are clear and expectations smooth as you expand into new polyamorous horizons together. If you and your partners don\u2019t know the rules, how can you know what to expect and when you might hurt some feelings?<\/span><\/p>\n

And as eager as you might be to just plunge right in and make your life a far-out poly heaven, the truth is that compersion only grows \u2013 and polyamory only thrives \u2013 when you grow at the pace that works best for you. Be honest with where you\u2019re at and talk to your partners about what comes up for you when it comes to jealousy or uncertainty. Taking the time to be vulnerable is a pivotal way to change and adapt to the life you want.<\/span><\/p>\n

One step at a time!<\/span><\/h2>\n

It may seem scary at first, but when you frame polyamory in compersion, love and intimacy with multiple partners is a dang gift. With a little practice, compersion will come naturally in all facets of your life. The more you consciously choose compersion in your every day, the more joy and abundance you\u2019ll find in your love life. Remember: love is truly a boundless act. The more you give to others, the more love you\u2019ll find you have left in you to keep on dishin\u2019 out.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you\u2019re already in the poly world, tell us what you do to cultivate compersion with your partners!<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Polyamory has as many perks as a garden\u2019s got roses, and smells just as sweet. All that community, camaraderie, and abundant communication, plus a whole spate of sweet humans in your life who love you \u2013 and not to mention that ever-evolving sex life. Is there anything better? Looking at it from the outside, opening your romantic life up to polyamory can feel like a concept ripped straight out of Eden. But like all gardens, it\u2019s one thing to take […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":154,"featured_media":36595,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[925,917],"tags":[189],"coauthors":[955],"class_list":["post-36594","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-committed","category-group-sex","tag-healthy-relationship"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nA Couple\u2019s Guide to Polyamory and Dispersion<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/polyamory-and-compersion\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"A Couple\u2019s Guide to Polyamory and Dispersion\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Polyamory has as many perks as a garden\u2019s got roses, and smells just as sweet. All that community, camaraderie, and abundant communication, plus a whole spate of sweet humans in your life who love you \u2013 and not to mention that ever-evolving sex life. Is there anything better? Looking at it from the outside, opening your romantic life up to polyamory can feel like a concept ripped straight out of Eden. 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