![\"gender](\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/gender-sexual-expression.jpeg\")
<\/p>\nEnjoy our interview with certified sex therapist, Casey Tanner, who discusses readers’ questions about gender and sexual expansiveness.<\/p>\n
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It is certainly more difficult to find queer porn that doesn\u2019t feel tokenizing or made for the male gaze. I find that the best, most ethical queer porn\u2014or really any kind of porn\u2014is behind some type of paywall. <\/span><\/p>\n Some people may feel uneasy about paying for porn. But, by paying for it, you\u2019re contributing to equal and fair wages for sex-workers and improved working conditions for queer people that work in the sex industry.<\/span><\/p>\n Don\u2019t hesitate to pay for porn! You\u2019re much more likely to get material that is high-quality and ethically made.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Unfortunately, biphobia is still all too common. Bisexual women are often accused of being straight women who are experimenting, and bisexual men are often accused of being closeted gay men<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n If someone is doubting your bisexuality because of the way you present in terms of gender expression, what they\u2019re doing is making an error in <\/span>not<\/span><\/i> differentiating between sexual orientation and gender expression. <\/span><\/p>\n Gender expression and sexual orientation are completely different components of identity and don\u2019t have anything to do with one another. Your gender expression might be masculine\/feminine, but your attraction as a bisexual person is to people of multiple genders. <\/span><\/p>\n People who are being biphobic towards you in regard to your gender expression are confusing that with your sexual orientation. When this happens, try to remind yourself (or them): gender expression has nothing to do with sexual orientation.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n No, it makes perfect sense that your expressions of sexuality might feel and look heteronormative because heteronormativity is what you were taught and what was modeled for you. <\/span><\/p>\n If you are someone who wants to express themselves in a way that\u2019s more queer, the best way to break open the box of compulsive heteronormative sexuality is to expose yourself to queerer, more expansive ways of expressing sexuality. <\/span><\/p>\n You can start by finding media\u2014watching shows like <\/span>Pose<\/span><\/i> on TV, or even the newer seasons of <\/span>The L Word<\/span><\/i>\u2014that speaks to queer sexuality\/romance and queer experience. Additionally, following queer creators who are talking about expansive sexuality (I do that a lot on my page) or reading books by queer authors will also help you deconstruct heteronormativity. <\/span><\/p>\n Because what you\u2019ve been exposed to up to this point is heterosexuality, by exposing yourself to queerness you can undo and unlearn compulsively heteronormative ways of sexual expression.<\/span><\/p>\n The concern about \u201cbeing behind\u201d in terms of sexual experience is common, particularly for people who are coming out a little later in life. What you should try to remember when these feelings arise is that it\u2019s not <\/span>you<\/span><\/i> that\u2019s behind: it is the world and our culture that\u2019s behind in in terms of offering you the sex education that you deserved, as well as the knowledge that it\u2019s more than okay to express yourself sexually however you choose. <\/span><\/p>\n It is important to keep in mind that, because the world is behind, development of sexuality for people in the LGBTQIA+ community often <\/span>does<\/span><\/i> happen later in life. For example, research shows that people who are bisexual are likely to come out later in life. <\/span><\/p>\n Additionally, people in the LGBTQIA+ community are more likely to have same-gender sexual experiences later in life. It is perfectly normal for someone to not have had these experiences in their 20s, 30s, 40s and beyond. If you are feeling this way, you are not behind: your timing is perfect, your timing is queer, just like you!<\/span><\/p>\n There are many different types of love: platonic love, committed love, familial love, sexual love, and romantic love. It sounds like you have many different types of love for your partner, but perhaps sexually and romantically the love and sexual attraction you have is directed in a way that\u2019s more queer. <\/span><\/p>\n To address this, you have a lot of options in front of you. There is no one right way here, and I would start by asking: \u201cWhat feels like the most authentic path forward for me?\u201d Don\u2019t be confused by thinking that \u201ccoming out\u201d is the only way to be authentic. For some people, it is! But, for other people, making a marriage work by opening the relationship or having these conversations with your partner is an equally authentic way of moving through this situation. <\/span><\/p>\n If you think that your partner can hold space for this part of you, I might start by sitting down together, maybe with the support of a therapist, to have a conversation about what\u2019s been going on inside of you so that you don\u2019t have to hold this in and deal with it all by yourself.<\/span><\/p>\n Straight sex happens when one or more straight people engage in sexual activity. If you are a queer person engaging in sexual activity, you are not having \u201cstraight sex,\u201d you are having queer sex because you are a queer person. <\/span><\/p>\n The way that you move your bodies, whether you\u2019re having penetrative sex or not, that has nothing to do with whether or not the sex you\u2019re having is queer or straight. <\/span><\/p>\n The internal sense of the identity you have has <\/span>everything<\/span><\/i> to do with whether you\u2019re having queer or straight sex. So, even if you\u2019re a cis-woman having sex with a cis-man, if you\u2019re queer, you are having queer sex.<\/span><\/p>\n Asexuality<\/a> can be a particularly difficult identity to narrow down for people because it can be confusing in differentiating between asexuality and a low sex drive<\/a>, or asexuality and difficulty with sex because of trauma<\/a>. There\u2019s no right or wrong reason to identify as asexual. <\/span><\/p>\n In this answer, I\u2019ll include a couple of thoughts that might help you get started. If you find that every so often you have a desire to masturbate or have sex with someone because you feel your body getting aroused, though it does not happen that often, you may be someone who has a lower libido or low sex drive.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n If you\u2019re someone who, across time, doesn\u2019t really experience arousal or an internal desire to pursue sex with partners, or if you find that you are not sexually attracted to other people, you may be more on the asexual spectrum. <\/span><\/p>\n One of the things you might find useful to remember is that many asexual people choose to have sex for reasons outside of internal arousal. They might choose to have sex because they find that sex is fun, or because it matters to a partner, or because they\u2019re just curious about it! So, choosing to have sex doesn\u2019t disqualify you from being asexual either.<\/span><\/p>\n One way that you can differentiate between these two is to ask yourself how you feel about the genitals you do have. <\/span><\/p>\n If you\u2019re someone with a vulva, how do you feel about it? Do you like it? Do you like being able to add a strap-on<\/a> occasionally, to mix up the type of sex that you have? In those cases, you might be somebody who just enjoys using a strap-on. <\/span><\/p>\nQ: How do you deal with others being biphobic towards you, especially in regard to expressions of femininity\/masculinity in your bisexuality?<\/h3>\n
Q: The ways I want to express my sexuality feel so heteronormative. Is that wrong?<\/h3>\n
Q: I\u2019m a person who hasn\u2019t had same-gender sex. Am I behind?<\/h3>\n
Q: I love my partner, who is the opposite sex from me, but I think I might be gay\u2026what do I do?<\/h3>\n
Q: How can I feel validated in my queerness when having \u201cstraight sex?\u201d<\/h3>\n
\u00a0Q: I don\u2019t know whether I\u2019m asexual or not. How do I discover my sexuality?<\/h3>\n
Q: How do you distinguish the difference between enjoying wearing a strap-on and actually wishing that you had a penis?<\/h3>\n