{"id":36669,"date":"2021-08-30T13:00:24","date_gmt":"2021-08-30T11:00:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=36669"},"modified":"2021-09-07T08:52:19","modified_gmt":"2021-09-07T06:52:19","slug":"sexual-boundaries-and-saying-no","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/sexual-boundaries-and-saying-no\/","title":{"rendered":"Sexual Boundaries and Saying \u201cNo:\u201d What You Need to Know"},"content":{"rendered":"

In a culture that applauds people for being as easy-going as possible, it can feel hard to speak up and state our boundaries.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"sexual<\/p>\n

Even in the wake of the \u201cMe Too\u201d movement and a shifting dialogue about what consent actually is, putting that boundary talk into practice is a whole other issue that many folks don\u2019t have practice with.<\/span><\/p>\n

After all, it\u2019s one thing to watch TikTok and say, \u201coh, hell yeah,\u201d alongside the person laying out how to tell someone off. It\u2019s something else entirely to speak up on the fly with little-to-no opportunity to plan for it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But the truth is that you have authority over your own body at all times \u2013 you\u2019re its royal leader. And because of that, you have the freedom to say \u201cno\u201d to anything you damn well please. By becoming your own best advocate, you\u2019ll find the right words just waiting for you whenever you need them. That being said, getting to self-advocacy takes work, especially when you\u2019re surrounded by folks who don\u2019t value that \u201cno.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s not always easy<\/span><\/h1>\n

We can talk about speaking up and fist pump in solidarity all day long, but vocalizing our boundaries<\/a> \u2013 especially in the bedroom \u2013 can be tricky. <\/span><\/p>\n

Women in particular \u2013 and everyone either raised as or seen as one \u2013 are taught that being agreeable is one of the most desirable personality traits a girl could have in their arsenal. Autonomy and boundaries generally lead to them getting called a bitch (or worse). <\/span><\/p>\n

When we\u2019re taught at all angles to just put up with unwanted advances, it\u2019s hard to flip the script and accept all the negative things folks would think about us once we change.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

On top of that, people who are given boundaries \u2013 especially sexually \u2013 aren\u2019t above using tactics to try and get their way. They\u2019ll pout or coerce, trying to guilt you into changing your mind. Think about all the times you\u2019ve been guilt-tripped into a dance or a kiss or sex. Staying firm with that \u201cno\u201d can feel hard.<\/span><\/p>\n

But that \u201cno\u201d is so important. Not only because our bodies deserve honored limits, but because giving that \u201cno\u201d makes the moments where you say \u201cyes, yes, yes\u201d a million times more satiating. <\/span><\/p>\n

And despite all the negativity barreling at us when we start to advocate for boundaries, there is a path out, where we can turn someone down and keep our sense of self intact. It starts with addressing the little things.<\/span><\/p>\n

The small stuff matters<\/span><\/h1>\n

When folks talk about saying that big old \u201cno,\u201d they often talk about it only when it comes to sex \u2013 and usually then, only penetrative sex. <\/span><\/p>\n

While it\u2019s obviously vital to our growth and happiness and safety to say no if we don\u2019t want penetrative sex, it\u2019s also important to recognize that \u201cno\u201d is a complete sentence for things outside of penetration, too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The second you feel even a smidge of discomfort, pumping the brakes is your right as someone taking part in a physical exchange. <\/span><\/p>\n

Speaking up and telling someone to not touch you like that without your consent sets a precedent both in your life and theirs. While it\u2019s not our job to teach boundary crossers a lesson, making them think twice before doing it again can help out the next person who might cross paths with them.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When you speak up even about those small things, you\u2019ll find yourself surprised by how good it feels to claim agency over your own body and the bubble you\u2019re inhabiting. Vocalizing these hard lines makes it more clear who\u2019s in charge of your bodily intimacy \u2013 you!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Practice makes perfect<\/span><\/h1>\n

It\u2019s all well and good to talk a big game about saying \u201cno,\u201d but sometimes, putting it into practice for the big stuff is hard. Although we can sit back and tell ourselves that we\u2019ll finally dish out the \u201cno\u201d we\u2019ve been waiting our entire lives to deliver the next time some dude ogles us while we\u2019re just waiting at the crosswalk, when the moment finally comes, we\u2019re all frozen up.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

If there\u2019s one way to get better at a difficult thing, it\u2019s practice. If you\u2019re the kind of person (like me!) who\u2019s struggled to establish boundaries in the past, start small. Addressing the little things can help, the lower the stakes, the lower the pressure.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As nice as it would be to suddenly wake up with Xena levels of strength, turning years of engrained learning on its head and saying \u201cno\u201d whenever you feel like it isn\u2019t likely to happen. If that were the case, we\u2019d all be establishing boundaries left and right every dang day.<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s why, silly as it sounds, getting practice under your belt for turning folks down can go a long way when you find yourself in more intimate settings. One way to begin is by advocating for yourself in your day-to-day life, especially in non-sexual settings, like when someone asks you to hang out and you\u2019d rather spend the night flying solo. Instead of giving up your plans with that bottle of wine and a puzzle, just say \u201cno.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

And if you find yourself in a public setting and someone takes up the space you\u2019d tried to carve out for yourself \u2013 a coffee shop table or a library seat or a corner of the bar \u2013 be direct about saving that space. As you practice, you\u2019ll find it gets easier to say \u201cno\u201d to even the touchier things like making out or having sex.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It won\u2019t always be easy<\/span><\/h1>\n

Finally uncovering the magic of boundaries doesn\u2019t mean other folks will see it the same way. If anything, telling someone \u201cno\u201d when you\u2019re getting frisky often leads to pushback or guilt. <\/span><\/p>\n

As much as I would love to live in a sexy utopia full of consent and respected boundaries, many folks are so hesitant to believe that they\u2019ve crossed a boundary that they\u2019re unable to hear others\u2019 needs. <\/span><\/p>\n

In a public setting \u2013 like that creep who touches your back \u2013 you may be met with confusion or outright hostility in response to your \u201cno.\u201d It doesn\u2019t feel good to be told you disrespected someone\u2019s space. But maintaining your own boundaries and safety is more important than soothing someone\u2019s wounded ego.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

To make matters worse, many folks think that \u201cno\u201d means you\u2019ve opened the floor for negotiation. Eager to get what they want, people try to squeeze their way past your boundaries and will use all kinds of tactics \u2013 from guilt-tripping to pouting to downright throwing a fit \u2013 to get their way. But hold steady; you\u2019re in charge of your body. The second someone coerces you into saying \u201cyes,\u201d consent isn\u2019t really on the table.<\/span><\/p>\n

Far too often, folks are taught to avoid making others feel bad for transgressions \u2013 no matter how egregious. It\u2019s seen as worse form to be the one establishing a boundary than to be the one who crossed it in the first place.<\/span><\/p>\n

But stay firm and concise and remember: your \u201cno\u201d is a complete sentence. We don\u2019t need to cushion rejections in gentle phrasing or something else to make them feel better about the situation. Turning someone or something down doesn\u2019t need a lot of gentle exposition or room for negotiation.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

If someone starts pushing you, remind them that there\u2019s no consent if it\u2019s coerced. Don\u2019t be afraid to call a Lyft or Uber to leave if you find yourself in a situation where someone isn\u2019t listening \u2013 and to be safe, always have a friend who knows where you are and can keep tabs on your safety or pick you up if needed.<\/span><\/p>\n

Although we can never control what others do, raising hell and staying firm to our boundaries can help keep us from the more subtle ways that people take advantage of our lines in the sand.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo\u201d weighs more than \u201cyes.\u201d<\/span><\/h1>\n

I\u2019ll keep this short and sweet.<\/span><\/p>\n

When one person says \u201cyes\u201d and the other says \u201cno,\u201d it can sometimes feel like there\u2019s room for debate. I\u2019ll say it again for the folks in the back: \u201cno\u201d is a complete sentence. There\u2019s nothing else to add on, no cushion or gentle phrasing or space for discussion.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In all things relating to our bodies \u2013 especially sex \u2013 your \u201cno\u201d means more than any \u201cyes\u201d a partner might give. From having another drink to getting naked, the person whose boundary line crops us first needs to be honored. <\/span><\/p>\n

Nobody has the right to dictate what another person does; we only have that kind of authority over our own time and bodies.<\/span><\/p>\n

Boundaries open you up to more juicy goodness<\/span><\/h1>\n

At first it may sound counterintuitive, but a funny thing happens the more you state your \u201cno\u201d in the bedroom: you find room for more joy. When you\u2019re not someone who\u2019s historically voiced your boundaries, you may not have a clear idea of what you\u2019re actually into during sex. <\/span><\/p>\n

The more you say \u201cno,\u201d the more clarity you\u2019ll gain around what you want in your sex life and the more open you\u2019ll become to who you are sexually.<\/span><\/p>\n

As you explore your boundaries, don\u2019t be surprised if you uncover more things you want ground rules around. The more clearly you know yourself intimately, the better you can see a transgression.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But there\u2019s another side to the coin. Although it may seem like finding more things you don\u2019t want or establishing more guidelines in your sex life might make things angsty, the truth is the opposite.<\/span><\/p>\n

When you know your boundaries are explicit and honored, it\u2019s so easy to sink into pleasure and experiment with new things; safety has a funny way of opening us up to fresh experiences. After all, it\u2019s only through finding what doesn’t work that we can more clearly see what does.<\/span><\/p>\n

Saying no to certain interactions \u2013 from that creepy hand on the small of your back to having sex \u2013 will help you discover what it is that makes your toes curl or your belly do the good kind of flip-flops. And because you\u2019ve practiced saying \u201cno,\u201d you\u2019ll know how to advocate for those things that set your loins a-blazin\u2019. <\/span><\/p>\n

Maybe you\u2019ll discover you\u2019re into feet<\/a>, or that you actually feel safer in a threesome than in sex for two, or that you just need to take a few months delving into solo sex<\/a> with a good toy to reacquaint yourself with your desires.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Whatever happens, saying \u201cno\u201d when you don\u2019t want to do something will only open you up to the kinds of opportunities that nourish you and have your best interests in mind \u2013 and who doesn\u2019t want that?<\/span><\/p>\n

A \u201cno\u201d is a beautiful thing \u2013 and you deserve to explore it!\u00a0 So start saying \u201cno\u201d more often \u2013 especially in the bedroom. It\u2019ll make your \u201cyes\u201d moments so much sweeter.<\/span><\/p>\n

What\u2019s your biggest advice for advocating for your \u201cno?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In a culture that applauds people for being as easy-going as possible, it can feel hard to speak up and state our boundaries. Even in the wake of the \u201cMe Too\u201d movement and a shifting dialogue about what consent actually is, putting that boundary talk into practice is a whole other issue that many folks don\u2019t have practice with. After all, it\u2019s one thing to watch TikTok and say, \u201coh, hell yeah,\u201d alongside the person laying out how to tell […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":154,"featured_media":36671,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[189,509],"coauthors":[955],"class_list":["post-36669","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-sexual-health","tag-healthy-relationship","tag-threesome"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nSexual Boundaries and Saying \u201cNo:\u201d What You Need to Know<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/sexual-boundaries-and-saying-no\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Sexual Boundaries and Saying \u201cNo:\u201d What You Need to Know\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"In a culture that applauds people for being as easy-going as possible, it can feel hard to speak up and state our boundaries. 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