We’re back with sex therapist Casey Tanner answering reader questions about the orgasm and pleasure gap.<\/p>\n
One of the more pervasive narratives that we\u2019re taught about sexuality and sex is that penetrative sex is the coup de gr\u00e2ce or peak experience of sexual acts. Therefore, because of its supposed eroticism, the myth pervades that this sexual act is the one most likely to create an orgasm for all partners involved, regardless of gender or genitals.<\/span><\/p>\n In actuality, most people with vulvas do not orgasm from penetration alone. There have been several studies within the past ten years that, although limited in scope to cisgender women with male partners, illuminate that 75-80% of participants with vulvas did not orgasm through penetrative sex with their partners. <\/span><\/p>\n Penetrative sex does not usually stimulate the clitoris. The clitoris, for many people with vulvas<\/a>, is the pleasure center and the erogenous zone<\/a> that, when stimulated, is most likely to create an orgasm. <\/span><\/p>\n There are many ways to stimulate the clitoris. Some of the ways we know focus on clitoral stimulation include oral sex, manual sex, or sex using a toy that is designed to stimulate the clitoris. <\/span><\/p>\n If you are a person with a vulva and have found that you cannot orgasm from penetrative sex alone, introducing these other sexual acts will likely both increase pleasure during sex as well as the possibility of reaching orgasm.<\/span><\/p>\n A myth that contributes to the pleasure gap<\/a> is the idea that vulvas are somehow \u201cmysterious.\u201d There is a narrative in our culture where we think about penises as being simple and easy to please. <\/span><\/p>\n By contrast, we think about vulvas as being a lot more complicated. However, the vulva does not have to be complicated. <\/span><\/p>\n Likely, it feels complicated for many people because our cultural education around pleasure, and specifically around pleasing people with vulvas, is so lacking. Fortunately, there is a lot of great information out there about pleasure for people with vulvas if someone is seeking that out.<\/span><\/p>\n Another myth I\u2019ve come across is that if you as an individual do not get turned on right away, then you\u2019re not easy to please sexually. This is also not true. There are many people out there, especially people with vulvas, who need a little bit of a warm up to get to a place where they are turned on and excited. <\/span><\/p>\n That warm up process can look different for everyone, whether it may be a mental, emotional, or physical warm up. Folks that need to engage in this way are capable of experiencing just as much pleasure as anyone else. If you are a person who takes a little bit to warm up, that does not make you mysterious, difficult, or complicated.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n We additionally make more assumptions about women\u2019s sexuality based on what their body looks like. We either oversexualize or desexualize bodies, different age groups, different socioeconomic statuses, and also different races and ethnicities. In reality, there\u2019s no correlation between body type and ability to experience pleasure.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Finally, because folks with vulvas are more likely to have experienced trauma, there exists a myth that once trauma is experienced it\u2019s impossible to get back the desire to have sex and the ability to experience pleasure. However, research shows how healing from trauma<\/a> is a viable option and very possible for folks who are survivors. <\/span><\/p>\n Additionally, more and more therapists are out there with trauma-informed lenses to be able to work with populations who have experienced trauma. If you are a person who has past experiences of trauma, it is totally possible for you to regain your desire for sex and pleasure if that\u2019s something you want to do.<\/span><\/p>\n Many of us were taught that there are two types of orgasms: male orgasms and female orgasms. We were similarly taught that those types of orgasms correspond to either gender or genitals. This is not actually the case. It is much more nuanced and elastic than that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Orgasms, like almost anything else, exist in a way that is nonbinary and fluid. It doesn’t matter what your genitals are or what your gender identity is; you get to decide what your orgasm means to you. It doesn\u2019t mean that if you have a particular type of genitals that you only have access to one particular type of orgasm. <\/span><\/p>\n People are much more complex than that. You get to define what your orgasm means to you and do it in the way that feels most euphoric.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Not only is there a pleasure gap between cisgender men and cisgender women, there is also a pleasure gap between people with vulvas when they masturbate and when they have sex with a partner. <\/span><\/p>\n Often, this is because the way people with vulvas masturbate looks really different from the way they have sex with partners. Much of the time when partners have sex they are having penetrative sex. What\u2019s getting missed in that penetrative sex is clitoral stimulation. <\/span><\/p>\n But when people are masturbating, they\u2019re typically focusing on clitoral stimulation with either a hand or a vibrator<\/a>. Then we wonder why orgasming is happening more when we\u2019re alone than with a partner. Well, it\u2019s because we\u2019re focusing on two different parts of the genitals. We can fill the pleasure gap by filling the knowledge gap around people with vulvas.<\/span><\/p>\n One of the other major differences that occurs when someone is alone than when they\u2019re with their partners is performance anxiety. A lot of the time when we\u2019re masturbating we\u2019re not thinking about what our body looks like or whether we\u2019re pleasing someone else. <\/span><\/p>\n Those factors are more likely to be introduced when one or more people are at play. If you experience problems with performance anxiety, a solution is really allowing yourself permission to communicate this to your partner<\/a> or partners. <\/span><\/p>\n For example, you could say, \u201cHey, I\u2019m finding that when we\u2019re having sex I am so focused on what you\u2019re thinking about my body, I\u2019m having trouble feeling good – is there a way you could provide verbal or physical reassurance so I can focus less on that?\u201d <\/span>By doing so you\u2019re fact checking the anxious thoughts you\u2019re telling yourself by actually learning what your partner is thinking about you when you\u2019re having sex. <\/span><\/p>\n Sexual mindfulness<\/a> is another great way to cope with performance anxiety that can come up during sex. You can practice this by detaching yourself from those anxious thoughts; looking at the thoughts from a distance instead of believing them as facts can be one way to just give yourself enough space away from that anxiety to really be in your body and experience pleasure.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Additionally, when we\u2019re having sex with a partner or partners, we\u2019re typically allowing them to pleasure us versus relying on ourselves for pleasure. We generally know our body and what makes us orgasm much more intuitively than a partner might. <\/span><\/p>\n One way that you can bridge the gap between sex with yourself and sex with a partner is actually showing your partner what you\u2019re doing to yourself that is allowing you to experience an orgasm. This might look like actually showing them what you do with your hand, or a toy, or by showing them what position you like to be in when you\u2019re alone. In doing so, you\u2019re translating the skills you have and have learned to your partner or partners who you\u2019re sleeping with.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n If you\u2019re able to orgasm with a vibrator but having trouble orgasming with a partner or with your hands alone, it could be because your body has gotten used to this particular way of experiencing orgasm. Vibrators do not desensitize you to the ability to have orgasm. However, what they can do with enough repeated use is teach your body through the mind-body connection that using the vibrator is when orgasm happens. What you might have to do is expand your sexual repertoire so that you can teach your brain that there are different ways that you can experience orgasm.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Set that vibrator aside for a little while and use your hands to pleasure yourself (for as long as you can tolerate it without experiencing too much anxiety). The first several times you do this, you may not experience orgasm. <\/span><\/p>\n Hopefully, it still feels good to touch yourself even without an orgasm. Over time, you will likely be able to teach your brain that you can experience pleasure without a vibrator. Your brain, through its neuroplasticity, may become more adaptable and able to experience orgasm when you use your hands.<\/span><\/p>\n The more you use your hands, the more you will also learn what types of hand motions are good for you, whether you like a little more stimulation or a little less stimulation, and when your body naturally lubricates or needs a little bit of added lube<\/a>. All of these are additional perks to setting aside the vibrator for a little while and getting to know your body in that way! <\/span><\/p>\n The self-exploration may also make it a little easier to translate what feels good when you\u2019re solo into sex with a partner or partners. This is how you translate what you know about yourself to having sex with a partner.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n So often when orgasm isn\u2019t happening the way we want it to, we immediately think: what am I doing wrong? What is my partner doing wrong? <\/span><\/p>\n In my experience, nine out of ten times no one is doing anything wrong, there might just be some misinformation and some added information needed to make the difference. In this case, it\u2019s likely that no one is doing anything wrong. There are times that even the most skilled person at oral sex isn\u2019t able to help their partner reach orgasm because that\u2019s not how their partner\u2019s body likes to experience orgasm.<\/span><\/p>\n Oral sex<\/a> is wonderful but for some people it can provide either too much stimulation or too little. One thing you can do is combine oral stimulation with another kind of stimulation. Some options include using a vibrator along with oral stimulation, manually stimulating through fingering, or putting a vibrator inside your partner<\/a> while orally stimulating them. <\/span><\/p>\n That combination might be enough to get them there, but even if it doesn\u2019t, it doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re doing anything wrong! Likely it just means they need a different type of clitoral stimulation to get to orgasm. That exploration process is a huge part of the fun!<\/span><\/p>\n I get this question a lot. It can be very challenging to ask ourselves to get through busy hectic days full of anxiety and then, suddenly, the moment we start having sex we just expect that anxiety and stress to disappear. Often, it doesn\u2019t. Sometimes, the stress gets even more intense when we\u2019re having sex. One exercise that I really love for coping with anxiety during sex<\/a> is thought diffusion. <\/span><\/p>\n Thought diffusion is essentially a mindfulness practice where you put a little distance between yourself and the anxious thoughts that come up during sex. I\u2019ll give an example. <\/span><\/p>\n Let\u2019s use the thought, \u201cI didn\u2019t shave today and I\u2019m nervous about it,\u201d (that\u2019s a common one for people with vulvas if shaving is a part of their routine). Instead of thinking to yourself, \u201cI didn\u2019t shave today, I must be a terrible lover… my partner is not going to enjoy this… I should just stop while I\u2019m ahead,\u201d try saying, \u201cI notice I\u2019m having the thought that I didn\u2019t shave; however, my partner is here and they\u2019re not complaining about me not having shaved. I\u2019m just going to put that thought on the shelf and come back to it later.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n Thought diffusion is not ignoring the thoughts or fighting the thoughts, saying, \u201cYou\u2019re a terrible thought! Go away, I need my mind to be blank!\u201d Instead, it is allowing those thoughts to pass over you. It is saying, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m noticing this thought is coming to me, but I\u2019m not going to let it have power over me the way it used to have power over me.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Another example of this is performance anxiety over whether or not your partner is enjoying sex. You might be having the thought, \u201cI\u2019m doing a terrible job at pleasuring my partner.\u201d Instead of holding that as a fact, or as something that\u2019s true about you, look at the evidence a little bit. <\/span><\/p>\n Would your partner continue to be your lover if they didn\u2019t enjoy having sex with you? Probably not. Create distance between yourself and the thought. This may look like saying to yourself: \u201cI notice the thought that they might not be enjoying themselves right now. I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s true or not but I\u2019m going to put a pin on that thought for later and come back to my body.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n So many people think their mind needs to be totally blank in order to enjoy sex and that\u2019s not at all the case. For most people, that\u2019s not even totally possible. Instead of going for a total blank meditative space, go for a space where these thoughts have a little less power.<\/span><\/p>\n Absolutely, there exist a few options! The trick to finding these vibrators is that they\u2019re often marketed to couples. However, there are a bunch that are also totally great for solo sex. One of the vibrators I love for this is <\/span>TIANI 3<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n I love the TIANI 3, and hands off vibrators in general, because when you don’t have to hold the vibrator in place with your hands, you can do all sorts of things! You can use your hands to touch the other erogenous zones of your body. You can relax a little bit more as well because you\u2019re not trying to hold the vibrator over your genitals. <\/span><\/p>\n I also love how accessible these remote-control toys can be because once you have them inserted. You don\u2019t have to hold a certain position for a long period of time in order to enjoy yourself.<\/p>\n Squirting<\/a> is a very normal and common type of orgasm for people with vulvas, yet those who squirt experience so much internalized shame around it. What is this about? I find that when it comes to squirting, there are really two camps. The first camp is people who think squirting is the holy grail of sexual experience and want to know how to squirt more. The second camp is made up of people who squirt and who want to stop, usually because they are feeling some shame or embarrassment around it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n By contrast, I tend to not see a lot of people who are squirt-neutral. However, the reality is that squirting is mostly neutral. Squirting happens when the Skene\u2019s gland (a gland located around the urethra) gets stimulated to the point where it releases fluid. Contrary to what some people think, it\u2019s neither urine nor the same fluid that lubricates your vagina<\/a>. The gland releases fluid upon orgasm or sometimes not simultaneously with orgasm.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n While I feel that this is a natural response to certain types of stimulation and therefore shouldn\u2019t be a point of shame for anyone, you have options to create an orgasm where squirting is more or less likely. The most important point to consider is that you get to decide the way that you want to interact with your body. <\/span><\/p>\n Whether you feel it is the most amazing thing in the world or it is something you don’t enjoy as part of your sexual experience, it is up to you.<\/span><\/p>\n If you want to have more control over squirting, one of the first things you can do is to start noticing how much pressure is being put on your g spot during certain sexual positions or acts.<\/p>\n There is some research that shows putting more pressure on the g spot increases the likelihood of squirting. The g spot is about two knuckles deep into the vagina, located on the side that is towards the belly button. If you or your partner is feeling it with your fingers, you\u2019ll find that it is a slightly spongiform tissue. The g spot is the internal part of the clitoris that can be stimulated. <\/span><\/p>\n For sexual penetrative acts, doggy style<\/a> will be more likely to stimulate the g spot than some other positions. However, fingering is more likely to stimulate the g spot than penetrative sex with a penis or strap on<\/a>. That\u2019s because a penis or strap on is usually relatively straight whereas, with manual stimulation, a person is able to curve their fingers towards the g spot and put more pressure on it. These are some options to increase the likelihood of squirting. To avoid squirting, you may find it useful to avoid those positions.<\/span><\/p>\nWhat are some myths about orgasms for people with vulvas?<\/h3>\n
Do you have any advice for non-binary folks to feel gender-euphoric during orgasms?<\/h3>\n
Why does the pleasure gap exist?<\/h3>\n
I can orgasm when I masturbate but it\u2019s difficult when I have sex with a partner. Why?!<\/h3>\n
I feel like I can only cum when I use my vibrator. Is it possible to change this?<\/h3>\n
My partner who has a vulva can\u2019t orgasm from oral sex. Any tips for giving better oral?<\/h3>\n
Why can\u2019t I relax during sex?<\/h3>\n
Are there vibrators that are more hands free?<\/h3>\n
Squirting. Is it normal? Is it something to be ashamed of?<\/h3>\n
I feel like orgasms are more mental for me. Is this normal?<\/h3>\n