{"id":37069,"date":"2021-10-11T19:15:41","date_gmt":"2021-10-11T17:15:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=37069"},"modified":"2024-11-18T03:49:38","modified_gmt":"2024-11-18T02:49:38","slug":"dadt-dont-ask-dont-tell-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/dadt-dont-ask-dont-tell-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) Relationships: Dr. Zhana"},"content":{"rendered":"

For our September Q&A with Dr. Zhana Vrangalova, we\u2019re talking about DADT: Don\u2019t Ask, Don\u2019t Tell types of relationships.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\"dont<\/p>\n

What\u2019s DADT?<\/h2>\n

Don\u2019t Ask, Don\u2019t Tell is a type of relationship where the partners agree that they\u2019re going to have other partners, but that they\u2019re not going to talk about it. They don\u2019t want to know about it so they agree not to ask any of those kinds of questions and not to volunteer that kind of information to each other.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Wouldn\u2019t that be considered cheating?<\/h3>\n

In behavior, there\u2019s not much difference. You have sex with someone else and you don\u2019t tell your partner. The difference is in your partner\u2019s assumptions. In cheating, they think you\u2019re not having sex with anyone else. In Don\u2019t Ask, Don\u2019t Tell, they think or know you are and that makes all the difference.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

What do you do when you want to know the details but your partner is more of a DADT person?<\/h3>\n

A lot of it comes down to personal preferences and personality. Some people love to share that kind of info. In fact, they find it hard not to share that with their partner. And they also like to know the details, either because they find it hot or because it helps them manage their jealousy<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n

Other people prefer to keep that information private and they don\u2019t want to hear much about their partner, often because that helps them manage their jealousy. Out of sight, out of mind – they don\u2019t have to think about it and that\u2019s kind of nice and easy. When partners have different preferences, some sort of compromise needs to be made. <\/span><\/p>\n

Usually, it\u2019s a good idea to respect people\u2019s wishes about how much they want to hear. So, if they don\u2019t want to hear anything, don\u2019t tell them anything even though I know you want to share. And if you want to know all the details, maybe they can tell you just the basics.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

How do you set it up?<\/h3>\n

The best way to set it up is to have at least one good, honest, open conversation where you set some ground rules and boundaries, especially around who you can and cannot have sex with, where, and how much hiding of the evidence is appropriate. I\u2019ve known couples who set up Don\u2019t Ask, Don\u2019t Tell without much or any conversation and it\u2019s possible, especially if you know each other really well and can keep things separate well. But the less you talk about and agree on, the more room there is for different assumptions, which can blow up in your face.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m in a DADT relationship now and it works because it\u2019s long distance. I can\u2019t imagine it working if we lived together.<\/h3>\n

Don\u2019t Ask, Don\u2019t Tell is indeed much easier to pull off if you are long distance or even if you are in the same city, but don\u2019t live together. If you live together, it\u2019s still possible to pull it off, but the most sustainable way to do that is while one or both people are travelling.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Not telling often necessitates lying to \u201cprotect\u201d your partner from the truth.<\/h3>\n

That is true. There can often be a bruise, a hair, a condom wrapper, a few hours of unexplained absence from the home that require a lie. And that\u2019s why a lot of people find it difficult to do Don\u2019t Ask, Don\u2019t Tell, especially when living together. But if you both agree that these little lies are okay to tell to protect each other, then you\u2019re consenting to it.<\/span><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t do DADT in a close relationship, only casual.<\/h3>\n

Fair enough and indeed, Don\u2019t Ask, Don\u2019t Tell is easier to do with casual<\/a> than with more serious partners. It\u2019s also good to know these things about yourself. Not everyone\u2019s going to be a great fit for all relationship types, depending on your personality and circumstances.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Can DADT be good as the first phase of opening up your relationship?<\/h3>\n

Don\u2019t Ask, Don\u2019t Tell can be a good stepping stone on the road to full opening up because it gives partners a chance to dip their toes a little bit in openness without having to do a lot of that emotional labor that comes with knowing your partner is doing the same.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Tips for doing DADT well?<\/h3>\n
    \n
  1. Set clear rules and boundaries<\/a> if possible.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. Keep other partners relatively casual.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  3. Do it with people your partner doesn\u2019t know or is unlikely to come in contact with.<\/span><\/li>\n
  4. Protect your partner\u2019s sexual health.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    What level of disclosure would best work for you and your partner? Join Dr. Zhana\u2019s <\/span><\/i>FREE monthly Open Smarter Social<\/span><\/i><\/a> virtual event to discuss all things monogamy and nonmonogamy.\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    For our September Q&A with Dr. Zhana Vrangalova, we\u2019re talking about DADT: Don\u2019t Ask, Don\u2019t Tell types of relationships.\u00a0 What\u2019s DADT? Don\u2019t Ask, Don\u2019t Tell is a type of relationship where the partners agree that they\u2019re going to have other partners, but that they\u2019re not going to talk about it. They don\u2019t want to know about it so they agree not to ask any of those kinds of questions and not to volunteer that kind of information to each other.\u00a0 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":54,"featured_media":37070,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[925,924],"tags":[909,189],"coauthors":[938],"class_list":["post-37069","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-committed","category-dating","tag-fact-checked-by-doctor","tag-healthy-relationship"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nDon't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) Relationships: Dr. Zhana<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Are Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) Relationships for you? Or would you rather keep things casual? 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