{"id":37178,"date":"2021-10-29T14:52:39","date_gmt":"2021-10-29T12:52:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=37178"},"modified":"2024-03-18T04:27:00","modified_gmt":"2024-03-18T03:27:00","slug":"a-beginners-guide-to-swinging","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/a-beginners-guide-to-swinging\/","title":{"rendered":"A Beginner’s Guide to Swinging"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cI looked down at his penis, decided that he was big enough and then nodded to give my approval, before he started having sex with my partner for the night,\u201d says veteran swinger, Mike.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The 52-year-old ex-banker is well-versed in the UK\u2019s sex scene; from Le Boudoir, the member\u2019s club in London, to Vanilla Alternative, a motorway-hotel-turned-swingers-joint and festival venue, Mike has seen and done it all.<\/span><\/p>\n

One of his favourite experiences is when a stranger asked him to pretend to be her husband and choose men for her to have sex with in the club, but only if he checked their penis size first.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI love the freedom it brings to disengage from what society, family and religions tell you that you shouldn\u2019t do,\u201d Mike says when asked why he loves swinging and sex clubs.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt provides a space to explore your kinks, fantasies and fetishes without judgment from others.”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere will nearly always be someone who is into the same thing as you at an event and making the plunge to go along was one of the best things I ever did.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Having entered the mainstream in the last decade, with companies such as Torture Garden and Killing Kittens bringing adult parties into the fore, these events allow people to test their sexual boundaries and expand their horizons in a safe, consensual space.<\/span><\/p>\n

Let\u2019s make one thing clear before we proceed, however: swinging is not just for couples.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

For the purpose of this guide, the phrase encompasses sexual adventure by both single people and those in relationships where a larger group is involved, whether at a private <\/span>soir\u00e9e<\/span> or a club.<\/span><\/p>\n

Now, on to the fun stuff.<\/span><\/p>\n

The first thing to do before you let go of your inhibitions is to choose what type of event best fits your needs and there\u2019s a veritable smorgasbord of carnal activities to try.<\/span><\/p>\n

The aforementioned <\/span>Killing Kittens<\/span><\/a>, for instance, which was founded by Emma Sayle in 2005, hosts premium events for couples (straight or bisexual female pairs) and single women, as well as women-only events, including one that is taking place in London this month.<\/span><\/p>\n

In recent years, the company has added virtual events to its repertoire, held with members from all over the globe including Europe, the US and Australia, which is a great option for newbies.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c[When I first started] people couldn\u2019t believe that I was taking sex, especially poly event sex into the mainstream, and putting my name to it,\u201d Emma tells us.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFast-forward 16 years and the whole world has turned upside down.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe internet has of course had a huge impact on all areas of our lives and that includes how, when and who we have sex with. Terms like poly, threesomes and unicorns all are now widely recognised even if you aren’t into a specific scene.”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSex has opened up and with that inclusivity, body positivity and the broadening of our understanding of our sexuality \u2013 be that straight, gay, bi, queer, BDSM, sub\/dom, it really is out there for everyone.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

With over 15 years of experience in the industry, Emma explains that the most important element to attending a sex event is making sure you are going along for the right reasons and if you are part of a couple, ensure that you\u2019ve talked about what is acceptable and what isn\u2019t.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou need to set rules and boundaries,\u201d she says. \u201cBoth parties must be into the idea \u2013 if one person is pushing their partner into it, then it will never work.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUnderstand from the beginning what kind of poly relationship you are having; is it only sex or oral sex or sexting, is it just casual one-off encounters or are you up for having a third girlfriend\/boyfiend as part of your life.”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou need to go into a poly set-up with a strong and solid partnership to begin with, as a third person will only complicate matters if you are not on the same page as each other.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Emma\u2019s comments bring to mind a recent scene in Netflix\u2019s hit series Sex\/Life, where a bored housewife, Billie, who used to have wild sex with her ex tries to spice up her existing sex life with her husband, Cooper. One night, their friends invite them along to a house party, which actually turns out to be a swingers event in a luxurious mansion.<\/span><\/p>\n

The pair decide to join in but because they haven\u2019t discussed their boundaries, it all ends in tears as Cooper receives a blowjob from his best friend\u2019s wife, all while Billie watches on in horror.<\/span><\/p>\n

Considering the other person\u2019s feelings is something that Jamie, 30, who is in an open relationship, always keeps in mind when \u201cplaying with others\u201d.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He has had countless threesomes and says communication is the key to avoiding arguments or misunderstandings.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI like having my partner there as we play with others,\u201d says Jason. \u201cIt gives me a sense of comfort and support. Plus I get to show off in front of them.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

And it has allowed him to try new things with confidence.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBeing in a threesome with my partner has also meant I was more comfortable with the idea of trying anal beads with another person who wanted to have sex with us,\u201d he adds.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe result was me climaxing so hard that I cried\u2026 it was amazing.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s all about communication and consent is super important. Learning and feeling what others want from you and your partner can be really hot\u2026 as well as useful and healthy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Mike, who has witnessed sex play gone awry among couples, agrees with the sentiment, adding: \u201cI\u2019ve seen couples get into a fight at a club when one partner was having sex with a woman from an earlier threesome.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHis partner found them when she was looking for him and went mental in the middle of a huge orgy.”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe got up, tried to calm her down and pulled on his trousers.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

In a similar vein, consent among all party-goers is non-negotiable, and many clubs, such as Le Boudoir, have rigorous screening processes, as well as hire security to oversee the events (for the most part they blend into the background and don\u2019t interfere unless required).<\/span><\/p>\n

While guests are encouraged to get as kinky as they want and can have sex on every available surface, all sexual activities must be consensual.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sex club etiquette is a real thing; it means respecting boundaries, asking for permission and also recognising that some people come to watch, not to partake \u2013 and that\u2019s absolutely fine.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, there is an etiquette to follow,\u201d says Mike. \u201cSafe, sane and consensual are my lead words.”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFor instance, if you engage in activities that are more extreme that you haven\u2019t done before, do so with people who have experience \u2013 choking is a good example.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAvoid any confusion by having a discussion before you play and stick to safe words and show respect until asked not to.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

As for condoms, sex toys and cleaning materials (like if you\u2019d like to wipe down that leather bed you just climaxed all over), many events provide these for guests, though you can also bring your own, as Mike prefers to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI bring all my own lubes, condoms and toys in a man bag,\u201d he adds. \u201cIt means I don\u2019t have to rely on a club owner to take care of my sexual health and enjoyment. I bring what I like that way too.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSome places have toys like electric wands wired into sockets with cleaning equipment nearby, that\u2019s always handy for bigger items.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jason is also a big advocate for bringing condoms, as \u201cyou need so many more of them with group sex. The logistics are crazy as you need to switch out your condom between each partner.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Something that might surprise newbie swingers is that the experience could be completely different to what you imagine in your head, and going solo to an event can be daunting but also exhilarating.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

If you\u2019re single and scared of dipping your toe in the dirty sex party waters, bring a friend along, as this could help you avoid feeling left out once things really get going.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPeople assume that I want to watch girl on girl,\u201d Jason says, \u201dbut I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve been awkwardly sat there twiddling my thumbs while two girls make out for half an hour. \u201cMaybe I\u2019m just impatient.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve never felt embarrassed at a sex party but I’ve definitely had group sex where afterwards someone has messaged me saying they felt a bit left out.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Another way to avoid awkward scenarios is to do your research on the event in question and on the kind of play you might want to engage in. Try to let go of your preconceptions and treat it as an experiment, knowing that sometimes, you don\u2019t get the intended results.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt’s okay to talk about how things might not go well,\u201d says Kate Moyle, sex and relationships expert at LELO.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHumans are emotional creatures, and however much we may hypothesise or fantasise about how something might go, the reality may not match up.”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe gap between expectations and reality can be where people slip up and it’s important to address how things might not go so perfectly, but that it’s also not a bad thing.”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThese can also be treated as learning experiences for what you might want to try or not try again.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

If a traditional sex club feels like too much to handle, there are alternatives, such as hosting a private adult party at home or going to an event that is more about the entertainment element, than the sex.<\/span><\/p>\n

Before the pandemic, Kelly, 34, tried her very first adult event, attending a masquerade ball of the kinky kind held in Vauxhall, London.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The venue had multiple rooms, including one main space with a live band but also smaller areas where guests could try activities such as learning how to \u2018spank\u2019 someone accurately with the help of an instructor, or observe naked models covered in glitter paint and a woman with a laser butt plug doing aerial aerobics.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt was a great introduction into adult events,\u201d she says.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI felt so at ease going because of the masquerade theme. I used my mask as a veil, I could be whoever I wanted to be at that party, which made me feel more comfortable.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNow that I’ve done it, I’d love to go to something a bit spicier, I don’t even need the mask this time.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

There\u2019s also <\/span>SNCTM<\/span><\/a>, which claims to be the \u201cworld\u2019s most exclusive members-only club\u201d and hosts events in Los Angeles, New York, Miami, Moscow and Kiev.<\/span><\/p>\n

There are three categories; masquerade, diner and pool party, all of which are the epitome of luxury with a very exclusive guest list and specific rules. As an example, diner guests must wear a tuxedo (men) or evening wear\/lingerie (women) and the soir\u00e9e is limited to just seven couples.<\/span><\/p>\n

Photos are strictly forbidden and consent is key, as members must \u201cask before they touch\u201d. Break the golden rule and you are banned for life (as well as instantly removed by security).<\/span><\/p>\n

Speaking about how the swingers scene has changed over the last 10 to 20 years, Lynn from SNCTM says: \u201cSexuality has always been a large part of identity and more importantly self-expression since the beginning of human existence.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIn reality, modern day society stifles our sexual expression \u2013 may it be those who identify as gay, lesbian, curious or anything in between.”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIn that right, I don’t believe anything has actually changed.”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe, hypersexual creatures have been hiding beneath the island of normal society \u2013 whispers to our friends, private affairs or suffering by ourselves.”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI believe only in the past decade has the re-emergence and celebration of sexuality arose again.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe concept of a luxury erotic event is only a product of the interest of human sexuality to have a place to explore in the most luxurious of ways.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

As for the brand\u2019s events, these are always held in \u201cthe most opulent of properties\u201d such as castles, estates or presidential homes, and the theme changes each month and for each city.<\/span><\/p>\n

Becoming a member isn\u2019t easy though, with each application reviewed by the club\u2019s\u2019 Dominus <\/span>Council.<\/span><\/p>\n

Member\u2019s clubs are quite common in the industry, though not all are quite so strict on who is allowed through the doors.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Le Boudoir<\/span><\/a>, which claims to be the only permanent \u201cadult play centre\u201d in London, operates a similar model, turning away a staggering 25% of applicants.<\/span><\/p>\n

It is housed in a former Victorian hospital with over 5,000 sq ft of space to explore, including a dungeon. While it is an upmarket venue, it is not quite as fancy as SNCTM \u2013 providing a more relaxed atmosphere, which is perfect for beginners.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNew members to Le Boudoir are often surprised by how chilled the evening is,\u201d says Wiktoria, membership manager at the club.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt is a sexually-charged environment but nothing is pressurised.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCouples and increasingly, single females, come to the club to have a sexual encounter because they know it is a safe space.”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe do not admit anyone who is not pre-registered and we do decline a lot of applicants if they do not present themselves well.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt’s not elitist, it’s about maintaining minimum standards in presentability and personal grooming.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe got into the business almost out of frustration. We saw great clubs in Paris, Milan, Barcelona and the States, but London lacked a stylish venue. The suburban clubs didn’t fill the void.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Wiktoria brings up a very common issue that many newbies might not be aware of; the split between men and women at adult parties. As a general rule, though this depends on the type of event you attend, it is common for there to be more women attending than men, but read the fine print before you go along.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cA common mistake is not to select your party properly,\u201d she says. \u201cOn Thursday evenings we host hotwife events, for ladies who want to engage with multiple guys. The male \u2013 female ratio is therefore higher.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt can surprise a couple to come on a Thursday and find many guys here.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFriday evenings, we also admit single males, but we cap it at 25, to ensure a good balance with couples and single ladies. On Saturdays, it is the preserve of couples and ladies only.”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnother common mistake for men is a lack of dress code! Too many men think that no effort at all is sufficient effort. We will turn people away at the door if they are not dressed appropriately.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Equally, the scene can differ broadly depending on which city you\u2019re in.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cManhattan works hard and plays hard \u2013 an erotic environment is not immune to that spirit,\u201d Lynn adds.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAs for Los Angeles, socialisation is more on the forefront for our audience.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI first came across erotic events while aboard in Amsterdam, Berlin and other cities throughout Europe, as the culture outside of the States is a bit more sexually accepting.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Feeling nervous yet? Let\u2019s recap the main points:<\/span><\/p>\n