{"id":37697,"date":"2022-01-12T12:37:00","date_gmt":"2022-01-12T11:37:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/?p=37697"},"modified":"2024-11-18T04:10:59","modified_gmt":"2024-11-18T03:10:59","slug":"desire-discrepancy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lelo.com\/blog\/desire-discrepancy\/","title":{"rendered":"What Is Desire Discrepancy? Therapist Casey Tanner"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"desire<\/p>\n

What are things you can do to increase sexual desire with a partner<\/h3>\n

To begin, it\u2019s helpful to understand what kind of desire you and your partner have. There are at least two kinds of desire that we know of: spontaneous desire and responsive desire.<\/p>\n

Those with spontaneous desire might have the experience of feeling turned on and horny out of nowhere \u2013 there\u2019s not necessarily a cue in the environment that causes it. Those with a more responsive desire are more sensitive to environmental cues and are often more likely to be turned on or off based on what\u2019s going on in their day, how they\u2019re feeling in their bodies, and what\u2019s going on in their environment.<\/p>\n

The first thing is understanding which of those categories you fall into (or maybe you\u2019re somewhere in between). Knowing what kind of desire you have helps us to figure out how to bridge the gap between yours and your partner\u2019s kinds of desire.<\/p>\n

Often what happens is that someone with a spontaneous desire matches up with someone who has a more responsive desire, which is what we call a \u201cdesire discrepancy\u201d or difference in sex drive<\/a>. What we often do in sex therapy is talk about bridging that gap by creating an environment and context for the more responsive person to become turned on.<\/p>\n

Context can be environmental (e.g., lights on or off), biophysical (e.g., menstruation), etc. Once we understand which of those contexts are a turn on (an accelerator) and which of those contexts are a turn off (a brake), we can start to create an environment for the lower-desire partner to get aroused.<\/p>\n

How to stay excited with sex that is not spontaneous?<\/h3>\n

We often equate spontaneous sex<\/a> with exciting sex (and sometimes that can be the case), but it\u2019s very possible to create exciting sex even if sex or intimacy is planned. Here\u2019s an example: a role play<\/a> that you and your partner have both talked through and consented to. That\u2019s planned, but that doesn\u2019t make it any less exciting.<\/p>\n

Another thing that could be planned but still exciting is incorporating a new toy<\/a> into your sex life. Don\u2019t equate \u201cplanned\u201d with no sense of \u201cnewness\u201d. Planned sex can still bring newness in, and in fact, sometimes we have the most new and safe experiences when we talk about bringing in something new ahead of time. It\u2019s planned, but still exciting.<\/p>\n

How to plan sex without it seeming robotic or boring?<\/h3>\n

Personally, I\u2019m a huge proponent of scheduling intimacy, not necessarily scheduling sex. For people who have more of a responsive arousal system, planning sex can actually contribute to anxiety. For example, if I know that Sunday at 2:00pm me and my partner are having sex, I might actually feel more anxious and be less likely to enjoy it.<\/p>\n

What can be really exciting is planning intimacy. Intimacy means different things to different people. It might look like a check-in about how our days went today. It might be a shower that isn\u2019t shower sex, but instead is a time for us to be naked together. It could even be reading a book together or going to our favorite restaurant. Scheduling intimacy is not the same as scheduling sex, but when we create a lower-pressure intimate moment it may end up leading to sex.<\/p>\n

I usually lose interest in sex 6-12 months into a relationship. I wish I could continue to want it. Advice?<\/h3>\n

What you\u2019re describing here is so common, because it\u2019s right around that 6-month mark that we move out of what we could call the \u201cinfatuation stage<\/a>\u201d into a form of more committed love. Our brain is actually changing in that process.<\/p>\n

Initially there\u2019s an immense amount of adrenaline, serotonin, norepinephrine, and cortisol coursing through our systems, which increases our sense of arousal in a lot of cases. That starts to trend downwards as we move further into a relationship. The way that we sometimes interpret this phenomenon is that we don\u2019t want our partners as much or maybe not at all anymore \u2013 which can be a very distressing feeling.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s often happening for people is that they\u2019re shifting not<\/i> from having desire to having no desire, but they\u2019re actually shifting from having a more spontaneous desire with their partner toward a more contextual, responsive desire. This means that it takes more effort and specific context to get to that same place that was so easy to get to in the beginning.<\/p>\n

So, you haven\u2019t necessarily lost desire for your partner, you just have to shift into a different mindset that is more creative and is a little bit more effortful. It is so worth it when we can find a way to combine that committed form of love in longer term relationships with finding ways to meet our desire where it\u2019s at \u2013 which might be more contextual at that point.<\/p>\n

How does environment (careers, kids, living together or not, etc) impact intimacy?<\/h3>\n

Environment, kids<\/a>, careers, and big stressful life events like moving in together can all have a massive impact on the way we experience desire, especially if you\u2019re someone with a more responsive desire. If you\u2019re one of those people, these types of day-to-day stressful events or major life events will have a greater impact on your sex drive and sexuality.<\/p>\n

When we introduce some of these milestones into our relationship, we develop a greater sense of routine with our partners. This can be really lovely \u2013 it\u2019s predictable and there\u2019s a sense of security. But sometimes predictability and security can feel like the opposite of passion and sexiness, so we have to find our way back there together.<\/p>\n

One way we can do this is to shift from a mindset of routine to one of ritual. Where in our routine or in our day can we carve out moments of ritual? If we get home at the same time, maybe we spend at least 20 minutes making sure we check in about each other\u2019s day. If we don\u2019t start work at the same time, maybe we still set our alarm at the same time so that we have an hour in the morning to drink our coffee and watch the news.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not so much about carving out time for sex. It\u2019s much more about rituals in which we still stay connected and create opportunities to surprise each other in ways that we did before there were kids or before we moved in together. This sometimes means planning a date night or doing something creative like taking a cooking class together or going to karaoke. Sometimes seeing our partners in a new light \u2013 the way that was so easy when we first met them \u2013 can bring us back to that place of passion, intimacy, and connection.<\/p>\n

How do I prioritize intimacy when I\u2019m tired?<\/h3>\n

This is an important question because most of us are tired of living in the world that we live in, with the careers that we might have, with kids, or just dealing with a pandemic. We get tired, and often the first thing that goes out the window is our sex lives. For some people that\u2019s okay, and for others they really start to miss it.<\/p>\n

What I talk about with folks is identifying the times of your day, your week, or your month where you\u2019re more likely to have energy. It may have something to do with the time of day – perhaps mornings are better for you than evenings. It may have something to do with the day of the week – maybe Saturdays when you don\u2019t have to go to work are days where you find there\u2019s a little bit more of an opening for sex and intimacy. It may be across the span of a month – is there a certain time on your cycle when you\u2019re more or less interested in sex?<\/p>\n

If we can start to track these things and our energy associated with them, we might find a sense of ritual. Maybe you and your partner decide that Sunday afternoons are going to be your time to schedule intimacy with one another because you know that the week has been wrapped up, there\u2019s usually not a lot going on that day, and you typically find yourself more energized. Rather than thinking all day every day, \u201cDo I have the energy for sex?\u201d, get to know yourself and your energy levels and find a time that typically works for you.<\/p>\n

What to do when I try to connect with my partner but feel rejected?<\/h3>\n

This question really speaks to the fact that initiating can be incredibly vulnerable. When we initiate something, we open ourselves up to being rejected. Society has taught us that someone saying \u201cno\u201d to sex means something about us \u2013 that we, ourselves, are being rejected, that we\u2019re not good enough, that we\u2019re not sexy enough, etc. But when you really think about it, the chance that you and your partner(s) are going to always want sex at the exact same moment in your day is a sort of absurd expectation.<\/p>\n

So much more often than not, what\u2019s happening when you get rejected is that one person is in a state of openness and arousal and the other person just has a context or environment that hasn\u2019t set them up to feel turned on or desirous.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s incredibly helpful to depersonalize that rejection and remember what it does and doesn\u2019t mean. Often it\u2019s not about you<\/i>, it\u2019s about what\u2019s going on inside your partner. The best way to handle this sort of rejection is to self-soothe, or if you have a relationship with your partner where you feel safe asking for reassurance you can do that too.<\/p>\n

You could say something like, \u201cYou have every right to say no, but I feel a little bit sad that you did and it\u2019d be helpful to hear that that\u2019s not about me. Or if it is about me, can we talk about it?\u201d You don\u2019t have to hold that in and pretend that it didn\u2019t hurt, but at the same time, no means no and we have to respect that no.<\/p>\n

My partner and I want to explore possible sexual interests further, but where to start? Advice?<\/h3>\n

For couples that are venturing out into new territory, a great place to start is with a yes\/no\/maybe checklist. Establish a list of different kinds of sexual acts or acts of intimacy that you and your partner respond with either, \u201cYes, that\u2019s exciting\u201d, \u201cNo, I don\u2019t want to try that\u201d, or \u201cMaybe, I\u2019m open to it but we need more discussion\u201d.<\/p>\n

What these lists can do is give you a really simple way to see where your interests in new things overlap. Often there will be 5-10 things that both of you have wanted to try but maybe haven\u2019t vocalized to each other, and that\u2019s a great opportunity to say, \u201cLet\u2019s start with our mutual yeses, and maybe things will open up more as we try new things\u201d. With this checklist, you at least have a list of things that you both feel safe trying.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What are things you can do to increase sexual desire with a partner To begin, it\u2019s helpful to understand what kind of desire you and your partner have. There are at least two kinds of desire that we know of: spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Those with spontaneous desire might have the experience of feeling turned on and horny out of nowhere \u2013 there\u2019s not necessarily a cue in the environment that causes it. Those with a more responsive desire […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":222,"featured_media":37698,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[925,11,1246],"tags":[909,115,669],"coauthors":[1012],"class_list":["post-37697","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-committed","category-sex-terms","category-mental-health","tag-fact-checked-by-doctor","tag-libido","tag-sexual-health"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nWhat Is Desire Discrepancy? 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