Have you ever been lying next to your male partner or lover post-sex, watching them snooze away as if it’s the best sleep they’ve ever had? Not much time for pillow talk or cuddles, not interested in eating, watching TV, or anything else?
Yeah, it seems quite rude, doesn’t it? Well, the good news is, they’re not actually trying to be disrespectful, and no, they aren’t bored with you either.
There’s actually a solid, biological reason why men are tired after sex. So, what is it? Why do guys fall asleep after they come? The hormone, prolactin.
What Is Prolactin, the Chemical Released After Sex?
Prolactin is a hormone that’s produced by the pituitary gland, and has many functions.
One particular case includes the fact that this chemical is released after sex, and plays a role in a man’s refractory period (the time before the next erection is possible).
Prolactin surges after orgasm, and creates feelings of sleepiness, reduced sexual arousal, and relaxation. The perfect recipe for what? Sleep!
But then, why don’t men fall asleep immediately after masturbating? Well, interestingly, post-coital orgasms release four times more prolactin in men than when they masturbate.
But is prolactin the only hormone that causes men to feel tired after sex? Actually, no,
Why do Guys Fall Asleep After They Come? A Cocktail of Hormones!
While prolactin plays a big role in sleepiness after sex in men, there are too a slew of other chemicals released after sex that contribute to sleep.
After ejaculation, a man’s dopamine (the ‘feel-good’ hormone) levels drop. Dopamine is a stimulating neurotransmitter that makes you feel awake, so when this hormone drops, the opposite effect takes place.
Then, oxytocin and vasopressin (the ‘bonding’ hormones) rise. Oxytocin can help reduce feelings of stress and induce a feeling of safety, making it easier to relax, and vasopressin is linked to a calming effect as the heart rate slows down, there’s reduced alertness, and the body shifts towards rest and recovery.
Additionally, serotonin levels increase, which can make the brain feel “ready for rest”.
These hormones, along with prolactin, and if you’re having sex at night, with the lights off, in bed etc, a sense of calm and drowsiness is experienced. One’s body clock then signifies that it’s time for bed, and further releases melatonin, a hormone that ignites your sleep cycle.
Why Don’t Women Fall Asleep, Like Men Do, After Sex?
The next question you may have is, why don’t women fall asleep after sex? Well, more like; why don’t they pass out like men post coitus? Surely men and women experience the same amount of hormonal surges and drops? Actually, no.
Women don’t experience the same prolactin surge as men do after orgasm. In fact, way less prolactin is released after climax in women. Additionally, while they do release oxytocin, it more so evokes feelings of bonding and stimulation as opposed to the sedation effect that many men experience.
Another reason why women don’t fall asleep straight after sex like men is because they don’t have a strict refractory period. Women can continue to be aroused, and they can experience multiple orgasms in succession without needing to rest.
Then, there’s the element of neuroscience, aka… the brain. There have been brain imaging studies using technologies such as an fMRI scan and a PET scan to measure what part of the brain lights up during sex and orgasm. It was found that, after climax, a man’s brain often showed decreased activity in parts related to attention and arousal, resulting in feelings of relaxation and sleepiness. A woman’s brain often maintained or even increased activity in these regions after climax, suggesting alertness or cognitive engagement.
From an evolutionary standpoint, women’s bodies may be more in-tune after sex for purposes such as nurturing, bonding, and caregiving roles (from the release of oxytocin), and there may be emotional and relational reasons that could keep women more mentally engaged after sex. On the other hand, men’s brain patterns favour energy conservation and recovery after ejaculation.
Post-Sex Behaviours
By now, it’s evident that both men and women have different post-sex behaviours. And when one partner partakes in one particular kind of behaviour that bothers another, such as falling asleep, it’s almost expected to feel vulnerable.
But did you know that, according to a pair of studies, if you’re happy with what happens post-sex, you’re more likely to feel satisfied with the sex itself, as well as your romantic relationship in general?
In that regard, it may be a great idea to start focusing on the time post-sex, rather than just the sex itself.
This is because “we are in one of our most vulnerable emotional and physical states when we are sexual with another person, especially when there are strong feelings with that person,” says sex therapist Ashley Grinonneau-Denton. “The time after sex is a critical opportunity to build intimate bonds, not emotional walls.”
And according to sex therapist Rachel Needle, “Given the research, couples should make an effort to connect post-sex. The time you spend post-sex can increase intimacy and bonding, as well as commitment, sexual and relationship satisfaction.”
Sex therapist Emily Jamea has one suggestion that may help in this regard. She says that, if one partner is inclined to fall asleep after sex, they should turn towards their partner, not away.
“Sometimes just rolling toward (as opposed to over) and sweetly telling your partner how much you care about them while holding them in a spooning position can be just enough to make them feel connected.”
How To Not Take It Personally When a Man Falls Asleep After Sex
Having said all of this, it’s still possible that a partner may take it personally when someone they’re intimate with falls asleep immediately after sex.
So here are a few tips to remind you that it’s almost never personal:
- It’s all biology: as we’ve mentioned, it’s largely to do with hormones and biology, not how he feels about you.
- It’s not rejection: falling asleep doesn’t mean he’s bored, uninterested, or emotionally checked-out. It’s simply his body’s way of recovering.
- Communicate: if you are upset about this situation, you can have a conversation with your partner, without blaming them. You could say, “I love being close to you after sex but I sometimes feel lonely when you fall asleep right away.” This can open up a dialogue without judgement.
- Create a post coital ritual: you could decide on a ritual you both love for after sex, such as cuddling, talking, or watching a show together.
- Focus on the bigger picture: if your partner is loving and attentive in your relationship, then him falling asleep after sex probably is just a natural physical response.
Well, wasn’t that an interesting biology lesson? So, if you’ve ever felt slightly insecure about a man or men in your life falling asleep straight after sex, or you’re a man who’s been wondering why you get such a peaceful sleep post coitus, now you know!
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