Do You Have A Higher Sex Drive Than Your Partner?
We often discuss dealing with a partner with a higher sex drive than you. But what if you are that partner? What advice is there for those of us whose sexual appetite isn’t being fulfilled?
LELO has compiled 5 tough-love tips to help cope with a higher level of sexual desire than your partner when you’re dedicated to making it work. Unfortunately, it means you might need to adapt your own behavior to compromise with your partner.
1. It’s Not All About You
It’s fairly normal for couples to have varying levels of sexual desire, and it’s hard not to take it personally when your advances are constantly rebuffed. But you need to remember that a partner’s lack of sexual interest may have very little to do with any of your attributes. It could be related to a hormone deficiency or physiological issue.
More likely, it could be about their sense of themselves, rather than a reflection of you. It’s not easy for them to know that you want more sex than they can offer, so while it may be painful for you, it’s probably painful for them too. To improve the situation for both of you, you need to understand their perspective as best you can.
2. Change Tact
If you’re regularly frustrated by the lack of sexual activity in your relationship, and you want to do something about it, you need to approach the situation differently. Clearly your current behavior isn’t working, so it’s time to change your approach because it’s likely you have both slipped into opposite roles with each other. You pursue them for sex, they decline, you push harder, they feel pressured, tension mounts, nothing gets resolved.
Back away a little bit, allow them a little room to be comfortable, and remember number 1: this isn’t all about your needs. Take a break from trying to initiate sex, and wait a week or two. Sometimes the pressure you’re putting on your partner is what’s pushing them away – they may respond more positively in time if they are simply allowed to respond by their own volition.
Masturbation is awesome. I honestly don’t know why we aren’t doing it all the time. It’s a wonder we ever get anything else done. But more importantly, it’s an important pressure valve for both partners in a relationship. It’s not reasonable to expect a partner to take care of each and every need, so use some time to focus and concentrate on yourself.
There’s a good chance you’re already doing this more than you’re letting on, and as such, it feels secretive and shameful, and you might be resenting your partner for putting you in this position. But that’s the wrong way to look at it. Embrace it as a valid and nourishing outlet for sexual expression. It might take a difficult conversation with your partner to explain why you’re doing it so you don’t have to do it in secret, but honestly, if your masturbation has already led to resentment, it’s a conversation that needs to be had urgently.
4. Be Intimate Without Expecting Sex
Many of us don’t realize we’re doing it, but many of us only really touch our partners affectionately when we want sex. If the partner with the lower sexual desire learns to recognize these touches as representing a sexual initiation, it can lead them to resent the intimate touching, if they’re already aware of the discrepancy between your sex drives. That’s only going to compound the wedge between you.
You need to show more affection without sexual implications. Affection and intimacy should permeate the relationship, not just be the hostages to sexual desire, and showing more affection separate from sex will reassure your partner that you’re in the relationship for more than the physical parts. Therefore, there’s less pressure on them, and they’re more likely to relax and be comfortable with you.
5. Be Honest
As the more sexual person in your relationship, the temptation to seek sex out beyond the limits of your current partnership without your partner’s knowledge or permission will inevitably cause more trouble than it’s worth. Cheating is cheating, whatever the reason.
Before the temptation to step out of line and find another partner with whom you can indulge your sex drive, make sure your partner knows how serious the situation is. It goes without saying that you should remain honest and communicate openly in every point made so far, but this one, when it’s come so far that you’re considering the merits of cheating, is the point at which you really need to face up to your responsibility, and your partner needs to face up to theirs.
Tell your partner, calmly, and not in the heat of an argument, that you’ve considered exploring sex outside the relationship to satisfy your needs, and that if things don’t change, you’re not sure what the outcome might be. If they are unwilling to put in the effort to see if they can compromise and accommodate you, perhaps the relationship has run its course. Perhaps they might even be on board with you seeking sex beyond the relationship. Perhaps they make you realize your demands are unrealistic. However it pans out, at least through honesty you’ll get some of your doubts answered.
With 16 years in the adult industry, including many years at LELO, it’s fair to say Stu has been around the sex toy block a few times. As LELO’s resident sex geek, he’s been featured in the Independent, the Guardian, HuffPost, Vice, Cosmopolitan, and anywhere people talk about sex. Here on Volonte, he turns his spotlight onto the important events affecting sex right now in a regular op-ed. Views are his own.