There are hundreds of articles out there for having better sex. We’ve written plenty of our own. After all, at LELO, we tend to pride quality over quantity. But what if, just this once, it was quantity that was the issue, and not quality? What if the sex you’re having is fine, when it happens, but you just want more of it?
Perhaps the problem isn’t sex. In the majority of cases our customers describe, it’s not. The problem is often in stresses in the wider relationship. These stresses are the same ones that make the thought of sex a stressful one, and that’s what’s holding you back.
If your mind is filled with fear of judgment, of being criticized, if you are under pressure, hurt in some way, physically or emotionally when you have sex, it might prevent you from enjoying it and you might avoid it altogether.
The issues that present themselves during sex are generally translations of problems outside of sex. If your partner is critical or unsupportive during sex, they are very likely to be the same in the wider relationship, and vice versa. Who we are in the bedroom is the same person we are out of it, so if there’s a problem with sex, it can often be addressed outside it.
Sexual issues are relationship issues. They’re often the same thing, setting aside any physiological problems that might inhibit the frequency with which you have sex. If you want more sex, it’s going to start with addressing those wider relationship problems. It’s unreasonable to expect more sex if you don’t feel emotionally comfortable in the relationship. For more sex, you need to manage those non-sex matters first.
In the end, having more sex is often a result of having a stronger and better emotional connection, rather than a sexual one. Instead of focusing on the sex itself, shift your attention to the broader relationship with your partner and you may well find that your sex improves along with it.
There are three ways in which you can improve the amount of sex you’re having. Actually, there are countless ways, but these three are the ones that will drive the quickest results.
Be Less Critical
It’s hard to avoid criticism when you’re talking about deeply personal and intimate issues, even with someone you trust. But it’s essential to learn how to speak about your feelings in a less critical way. You need to approach communicating about your feelings in a respectful way, without it feeling like an attack on your partner’s communication. This isn’t meant to demean or invalidate the way you feel, it just means that if you’re considerate in the discussion of your needs, they are more likely to be met. Otherwise, your point might be lost, and the feelings of each participant might be hurt.
This is related to the former point, but the ability to ask for more sex can come across as judgmental or even condescending. It’s hard not to do this, and it takes a lot of self-awareness. Feeling looked down on does not increase the likelihood of increasing the amount of sex you’re having. Of course, your partner needs to be aware of this too, when they’re speaking to you.
Being present is a vague term we apply to being connected to the situation and the people in it. It’s about paying attention to your and your partner’s circumstances. if you’re not engaged with your partner, you’re not connecting well, and you’re not going to be present. This is going to make you feel less likely to want sex. Try simply putting away electronics and distractions, and letting yourselves be interlocked with each other while you discuss your issues, and when you’re intimate. Being present is key to so much of what’s good about sex, and it takes work – but that work always pays dividends.
Concentrating on these issues beyond sex will have instant benefits within sex. And all areas of your life, in fact. The safer you feel, and the more comfortable you are being vulnerable with your partner, the more often you will be intimate.