What goes in must come out. It’s an adage that carries particular meaning regarding anal sex. No judgement, of course. One should know that if you’re playing with fire, you might get burned. Except in this case, we’re replacing “fire” with “ass” and “burned” with… you get the idea.
While many of us are most comfortable having receptive anal intercourse with proper planning, sometimes sex is spontaneous, occurring at inconvenient times like, say, after an exuberant dinner date.
You weren’t planning on going back to their place, of course. You wanted to be mysterious and demure. Leave them wanting more. But there you are, leaned against their cold, granite countertop with your undies around your ankles praying tonight’s spaghetti bolognese doesn’t make an unexpected cameo.
While nothing can guarantee a mess-free anal sex experience, there are precautions you can take and decisions you can make to lessen the odds of it occuring. So, if you ever find yourself on a date where anal may be on the menu, heed the advice and warnings below, offered by Alex Hall, Bottom Chef and CEO of The Bottom’s Digest, an educational resource on eating for anal sex.
Know thy body.
Starving yourself before bottoming is an unfortunate byproduct of diet culture. It’s also not healthy, so don’t do it. What you should do, according to Hall, is examine how you feel after eating.
This can be especially fun when you’re not bottoming, since you can go test your limits. How did you feel after your morning oatmeal? How about the next day? How did you feel after a massive cheeseburger with a side of fries? How about the same burger but with a side salad? Remember these things to help inform yourself in the future when bottoming is a possibility.
It might sound extra, but keeping a food diary (which, let’s be real, will just be an entry in your Notes app) can help you keep track of which foods affect your body and which don’t. “This information is going to help you tremendously when you eat out,” Hall says. “It will be trial and error for a while, but the good news is we don’t typically bottom every day, but bravo to those that do!”
You can do some preemptive planning before your date by taking psyllium husks or fiber supplements daily. You’ll also want to drink plenty of water. “Fiber only does a good job when you’re hydrated,” Hall says. “Drinking plenty of water will also soften stool to ease any constipation and stimulate bowel movements, so start keeping a 1500 ML water bottle on you and drink two a day.”
Another way to prepare is by using a small douche (90 ml) before leaving for the date. “This small douche trick has worked for me time and time again going on dinner dates with my husband,” he says. “If you’re concerned about any dairy in your food, take Lactaid and carry some Tums just in case.”
Order what you know.
If your date takes you to a restaurant you’ve been to before, choose dishes you’re familiar with, ones that don’t leave you feeling heavy and bloated. You should also apply this rule withdishes at restaurants you’re less familiar with.
“When you’re on a date, the goal isn’t to look at foods that will provide the best bowel movement,” Hall says. “Since food takes quite some time to digest, you want to choose dishes that you know will keep gas and bloating to a minimum.”
Generally speaking, gas and bloating can pop up within minutes of eating a dish our stomach doesn’t agree with. And this can be quite uncomfortable when bottoming and distract from enjoying yourself during sex.
When it comes to pooping, you’ll know within 30 minutes to an hour of eating something if you need to go to the bathroom. If you don’t, you should be in the clear.
Control your portions (say, eat half the dish) so you have something on your stomach, but not enough that it feels agitated. A bonus: You have leftovers to devour when you get home as a post-sex reward.
Limit your alcohol.
When it comes to alcohol, quantity is what you want to watch out for since, as we all know, we can lose our inhibitions and snack on things that aren’t so bottom-friendly. Not to mention, alcohol dehydrates the body, and your sphincter will be drier as a result, making things more uncomfortable during anal sex.
“If you’re at a fancy as hell cocktail bar, treat yourself to a drink or two,” Hall says. “Once you’re maxed out there, switch over to something lighter like a vodka soda, since some clear liquors are a bit more bottom-friendly. The sugar content in drinks like rose, rum or whiskey can cause some gassy reactions.”
Ingredients to avoid.
Even if it’s your favourite, you should avoid dishes with cruciferous vegetables like broccoli and cauliflower, legumes like beans, lentils and anything really spicy. Take similar caution with artificial sweeteners and dairy-heavy dishes.
“Funny enough, the more fat-free the dairy, the worse the stomach pains and gas if you’re lactose intolerant,” Hall says. “Many low-fat milk products contain skim milk powder which has a heavier dose of lactose, the sugar found in dairy that causes all the issues. You’re actually better off with a full fat ice cream than a low-fat option.”
Talk about shit (literally).
If your stomach is feeling off, tell your date. It can feel taboo to talk about your butt and its normal functionality even though everyone involved on the date knows the butt is going to be involved very intimately. “
It’s bizarre that we sit across from someone knowing we want their penis inside us but feel that we cannot communicate to that same person ‘I’m not gonna be able to bottom right now, how about a little foreplay?’ Hall says. “Being in tune with your body, communicating with sexual partners, and being flexible with yourself are your keys to enjoying food and sex.”