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Dear LELO: My Sex Drive is WAY Lower than My Girlfriend’s

Dear LELO,

I’ve got a pretty low sex drive, much lower than my girlfriend’s. Where I am content to have sex once, maybe twice a week, she wants it once daily and that’s just more than I seem to have the necessary drive for.

I’m very much attracted to her, and in every other way we’re perfect but this is a big enough issue for us that it’s seeping into other parts of our relationship. I guess in recent years I’ve put less importance on sex, and to be honest I am just not thrilled when it comes to putting myself in the situation where I can’t – ahem –perform just because I know it’s expected. It adds a lot more pressure to the point where it’s self-defeating.

Anyways, this is something I thought I could tackle myself, but it’s very important to me to save my relationship and make a serious effort here. I’m a man and I should be the one wanting sex more than her, right?

Any help appreciated,

Deflated

Hey Deflated,

Men, am I right? Those incorrigible horn dogs, always needing to be kicked off whatever leg they’re humping. Jeez guys, give it a rest with the ‘I want it and I want it NOW’ routine, eh?

First off, just because you’re a man doesn’t mean you want it all the damn time. You’d be forgiven for thinking that, due to masculine tropes we’re bombarded with from day one that we’re all just walking around fully erect and lookin’ for it. But no.

Just a quick looky-loo on WebMD shows the not very scientific, but not wholly inaccurate stat that it could be one in five guys who simply don’t want sex as much as their partners do, with 30% of coupled women claiming they want to get busy more often than their guy does. If anything, this shows that you’re certainly not alone, but isn’t exactly helping you meet your partner halfway when it comes to sex.

The causes of decreased libido are many, and the solutions – from mojo-inducing diet to erotic-increasing exercise – are just as numerous as they are effective, and you can choose whatever one will work for you.

Cutting back on drinking, eating healthier and making time for cardio exercises are all great ways to get yourself kick-started, for a start. However let’s take a look at your sexual patterns. You say you want it ‘once, maybe twice a week’ – is that only when it occurs to you that ‘HEY WAIT A MINUTE I WANT SOME SEX RIGHT THE EFF NOW’?

A lot of  people, but also stereotypically many men,  are driven by spontaneous desires when it comes to sex – meaning that when they’re sitting at the laptop, waiting in line at Whole Foods or in the middle of microwaving a bag of popcorn it suddenly hits them that yes, they want sex and they want it now.

Alternatively, desire can triggered responsively, like when the lamp is rubbed and the genie pops out. In responsive desire, it’s sexual acts themselves that make a person want to have sex.

The good news? We’re not simply binary spontaneous/responsive people. The difference between the two is that a spontaneous desire person initiates sex, but only when the spontaneous desire hits them. Responsive desire people are less likely to initiate, but will respond to sexual stimulation.  The solution here is to break out of your normal sexual pattern – either talk to your partner about much you love it when they initiate the sensual experience and let the response come naturally, or take that first step yourself to get your mind in a sexy place.

Increase the frequency of when you’re initiating sex, and adjust your expectations of what a sexual session entails; it doesn’t have to culminate in PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex every single time, but rather it should focus on pleasure and being close to your partner – the rest just falls into place.

So what now? Just because you may not be a 100% perfect match on every aspect of sexual compatibility (trust us, very few couples are) it doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed; you might just have to start thinking of your sex life in a slightly different way. 

Try this: stop thinking about how often you ‘should’ want to initiate sex with your partner and simply think of getting ‘flirty’ with your partner and simply see where it goes. This can mean having an extra long make out during dish washing time and leaving it there, or planning on a set  sensual occasion with the addition of a small handheld vibe that you can tease each other with. The bottom line is, just get back to enjoying each other, and remember that it’s about the journey, not the destination!

About Donna Turner

Donna is a Volonté contributor and freelance writer who lives in San Francisco with her husband and two sons. Her work has appeared in Psychology Today, Go! Magazine (Australia) and is regularly featured in the San Francisco Herald.

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One comment

  1. WOW what a question im a 50yo male nmphomanic if you think your masturbating the wrong way time to give up ?
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