Everywhere on earth, people have some crazy practices related to sex that extend not only to the act itself, but also to getting in the mood.
We’re talking about aphrodisiacs, which, unlike eating healthy, libido-boosting foods, are meant to offer a quick jolt to your desire for sex.
And while they’re often based on no more than old wives tales and outdated medicinal notions, the one unifying theme across almost all aphrodisiacs is that they’re basically just yucky stuff you eat to get horny – and here are some of the yuckiest:
When making a nest, birds put their blood, sweat and tears into the process – as well as a lot of saliva. While the blood, sweat and tears are figurative only (unless the bird is a sweaty hemophiliac with a sensitive side), the saliva we mentioned is what holds their nests together, and according to many in Asia, making a soup from it will get you in an amorous mood right quick.
It’s quite an expensive delicacy, due to the difficulty and danger involved in removing the nests from sheer rock walls some hundreds of feet over the floor of some underground caves. All danger and derring-do aside however, we’re left feeling sorry for the birds that go homeless just so some couple can get their respective freaks on!
Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Just say it once out loud; ‘ambergis’. See? Nice.
The truth is, it’s not so nice after all: you see, ambergris is a waxy substance found in the digestive tract of a sperm whale. While it was mainly used in perfumed products long ago, ancient Arabian texts posit that it’s just what the doctor ordered to get your dander up and at ‘em for some bedroom fun.
Probably most widely known in the West from a certain classic Simpsons episode, the Fugu – Japanese for ‘river pig’* — is said to cause one’s cheeks and lips to tingle after it is eaten, and ups the arousal factor for those who feast on fugu.
We’re pretty sure however that what gets people turned on about fugu is not some simple tingling, but the rush of adrenaline that comes with a near-death experience, because Fugu is fatally poisonous. So poisonous in fact, that only specially-licensed chefs are allowed to prepare and serve it, removing the toxic portions of the fish and leaving behind only what we’re sure is the best-tasting foodstuffs anyone has ever had, because otherwise WHY?
*Can anyone confirm if the Japanese word for pig is ‘land fugu’?
When are people going to learn that most of this aphrodisiac stuff is a bunch of hokum? Just like poor African elephants being murdered just for their tusks, rhinoceros horns are being poached for their (entirely unfounded) aphrodisiacal properties.
Because of their endangered species status, hunting rhino for any reason is highly illegal – just imagine trying to explain to a judge or jury that you killed a defenseless rhino because it was hornier than you?
Yup. Baboon urine.
Apparently if you’re in Zimbabwe and just not feeling like making love, some locals may suggest having a tall, frosty beer with some baboon pee mixed in – you know, to make you want to have sex. Now we’re not sure about the rest of you, but after drinking a few gulps of monkey whizz, intimacy is the farthest thing from our minds (mouthwash ranks number 1).
However, if you find that it does get your motor running, then perhaps you’ve discovered an all-new fetish to pursue, which to us seems just as well.