Getting Real About the Big ‘O’
One of the main reasons I started Killing Kittens (internationally-known exclusive sex parties) is down to my belief that women deserve to have mind-blowing sex. Sex is fantastic for wellbeing and improves mental and physical health, but the truth is that for lots of couples the sex is a little boring and dare I say it, a little fake.
Come on girls, you know what I am talking about and don’t you dare pretend that you don’t. The statistics for women faking orgasms is a staggering 70%. That’s right over two thirds of us ladies never achieve an orgasm during the act and that means that something is seriously wrong in the bedroom department.
But before I get down and dirty about why we are faking it, I think we need to understand why having an orgasm is such an important part of a healthy and functional sexual relationship.
The Importance of OrgasmDid you know that orgasms spike dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA) hormone levels in the body, resulting in all kinds of positive health benefits. DHEA actually improves memory, which means that your clitoris isn’t the only area benefiting from that delicious sensation, you’re affecting your grey matter too. Orgasms also help to chill you out and can put you into a deep sense of relaxation after a stressful day.
The gorgeous endorphin rush that you create during climax flush cortisol out of the body, which is key for feeling good. Cortisol is that evil hormone that causes inflammation in the body and can even make your tummy bloat. When you tell your other half that you have a ‘headache’ he should be insisting on a bit of hanky panky, because an orgasm actually release oxytocin, a peptide consisting of nine amino acids that act as a natural pain reliever. This analgesic effect means that having an orgasm can dissipate a headache, make menstrual cramps more bearable, and even soften the blow of childbirth.
Probably my favorite reason for having an orgasm is according to a study by David Weeks, a clinical neuropsychologist at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital, who reckons that frequent orgasms can make you look 10 years younger, now, if that isn’t reason enough then I don’t know what would be?
Faux O’sSo, why the hell do we fake having an orgasm when they feel so goddamn fantastic? Well, first of all it tends to be a bad habit that occurs early on in relationships. We all want to please our partners and many women learn to ‘perform’ in a way that they feel is sexually expected. This means following the porn route where she climaxes simply through penetration. Now I am not saying that some women cannot orgasm this way, but they are unbelievably rare and I have never met one and bear in mind I work in the sex arena.
So for the rest of us mere mortals who need a whole heap of mighty fine foreplay and intense concentration to climax this performing leads to some big problems, it firstly means that your man thinks he is an Adonis in the sack and secondly means that you are forming a habit that will be very hard to break, after all, who wants to tell their man that he isn’t quite the lover you led him to believe he was.
Another common issue is low sexual confidence that means you feel embarrassed to ask him to play with your clit in a certain way. I have one, and I can tell you that I am the only person who can advise on how mine works and that is the same for every other woman. Contrary to your fear, men love to be told what to do and if he isn’t quite getting you there, you can grab a bullet or vibrator, or just join in with your own hands and that genuinely does the trick.
Trying HonestyThe best thing you can do is to simply tell him the truth. Have a bottle of wine, work up the courage and tell him that whilst you love your sex life, you haven’t been entirely honest about the whole climax part. Remind him that this is down to your confidence and ask him to help you. Make a commitment that you will never fake an orgasm again, because sex is about your personal enjoyment and not about bolstering his ego. Then, figure out what makes you cum in a way that works for the both of you.
Now, I know that the idea of admitting that he hasn’t quite met the mark may be a little terrifying, but don’t stress, because mixing sex up improves your intimate experience and that is something you have control over. Buy some fabulous sex toys and tell him that you want to climax as he watches, or ask him to finger you whilst you stimulate your clit. I promise that this will make sex more fun and a whole heap more fulfilling.
If you make sex honest, real and satisfying, then you will also have a great deal more of it and it will be exactly as you always imagines it could be.
Emma Sayle is the founder and CEO of Killing Kittens, a members-only club that hosts female-oriented sex parties in London, Manchester and Los Angeles.