Our sex life is a canary in the coal mine of our well-being, so when things in our life slip out of control, the price for that will be paid in bed. Good thing is that the system works in both directions, so if we get our act together, it will inevitably lead to more sexual satisfaction. Now, let’s think for a moment about the things we can do.
Admit There is Work to be Done
The first sentence of Anna Karenina says: “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Our well-being is a lot like that – when we’re on top of our game, we’ll eat well, exercise, maintain healthy social relationships, get plenty of sleep, keep drinking in check… However, when out of balance, things can quickly take a turn for the worse. Also, it is often not about a single or major issue. Instead, we accumulate a large number of minor problems, bad habits and personal stress that all tend to work together. The first step is always admitting that we’re not at our best right now.
Remember That Balance is Not the Same as Routine
I love to practice hand balancing, and it’s taught me a lot about balance in every sense. The most important lesson being – when it looks static, it’s not. Instead, it is a process of making small movements and adjustments in different parts of your body that all have an effect on your overall stability. It is very much the same with your life in general. Being in control is not a state, but a never ending process of adjusting different things we can control. To be in control means to be ready to change.
Eating well can be frustrating as hell; it requires knowing a lot about food, investing time and energy, as well as undergoing a significant sacrifice. Some people just do not have what it takes. What we can do instead is just eat better. Add some small positive change in your dietary habits and you’ll reap both physical and mental benefits. It can be as simple as dropping all processed foods for one day every week, starting your day with a green smoothie instead of a croissant or trying to eat more colorful foods every day (which is a great fun way to include more fibers and antioxidants into our diets). I’ve always found that one good habit makes further improvements much easier.
Be (More) Active
It goes without saying that active people have a more active sex life (and are healthier and more balanced in general) but, unless it comes naturally to you, you might have hard time motivating yourself. Again, go easy on yourself and, instead of going all in, try taking small steps. Like literally, getting a smartwatch or step measuring mobile app and setting your daily goal for the number of steps goes a long way in motivating you to walk more. Your goal doesn’t have to be overly ambitious, a study shows that with as little as 7,000 steps a day you can reap considerable health benefits. And, of course, any activity will unlock your dormant energy reserves and might serve as a stepping stone for more radical moves like going jogging, visiting a gym, or joining a yoga class.
Control What You Can, Accept What You Can’t
It is certainly hard to keep your balance when the external factors are stacked against you. Maybe you are going through a bad breakup or you lost your job. You might be exposed to mobbing or a generally toxic social environment. Or you might, like myself and many of my fellow Europeans, feel that after two hard pandemic years a horrid war in Europe is too much to bear. So what can you do about our balance when the world around you is burning?
For one thing, you can reduce exposure to things like media, environments and people that disturb your mental balance. Spend more time focusing on the elements of your microcosmos that provide you comfort. Do more things you like, with the people you like. Try being kind to others, enjoying nature and, especially, having more sex.
You can also use this opportunity to observe your own emotional reactions to the things that trigger you. Assuming what psychologists call “meta position” can, in the long run, help us understand why we react the way we do.
Spontaneous sex is great, but when your mental balance is off due to stress, it might just not happen. So, what you can do is make a sexual appointment with your partner (provided you have one, of course). It might sound awkward at first, but once you try it, you’ll change your mind. The notion of upcoming good times will help you feel pleasantly relaxed and horny in advance, and the fact that you’ll have proper time to prepare the setting, toys and outfit will really boost the experience. Also, dedicating time specially for love is an excellent way to keep your mind from wandering towards everyday obligations and worries as well as help you maintain intimacy with your partner.
In fact, you should try it even if you have frequent and spontaneous sex. Don’t think of pre-arranged sex as non-spontaneous, instead imagine the feeling of preparing for a hot date with your lover and allow yourself to enjoy the sweet feeling of anticipation.