Let’s be honest – there are bad lovers who might make you regret inviting them over to your place, and then there are the good lovers, ones that are so good you get flashbacks from the time spent with them in the middle of your work…
Being a good lover has nothing to do with how nice and kind, and giving you are as a person, or how excellent you might be at your work and studies. Also, being a good lover is not a given – we’re not born good lovers, we become them.
To become great lovers, we first need to understand what it is that makes people good lovers. And that’s why we’re here today – let’s talk about six characteristics of an unforgettable lover.
6 Bedroom Habits of Good Lovers
#1: They show their partner they want them
Good lovers are into their partners and they definitely let their partners know just how much they are aroused by them and how much they want them.
The reason why showing your partner that you want them is so effective has everything to do with our sexual desire style. There are two sexual desire response types – responsive and spontaneous. Spontaneous desire means that a person gets turned on out of the blue, while a person with responsive desire needs to be seduced to experience sexual desire.
In her book, Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life, Dr. Emily Nagoski explains that 25% of men and 85% of women have responsive sexual desire. Also, a study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found that one of the things that trigger sexual desire in women is feeling wanted.
So, chances are that your partner might need you to show them how much you want them in order to get turned on. And even if they have spontaneous sexual desire, it will still feel nice for them to know that their partner finds them irresistible.
Good lovers always make sure their partners feel loved, wanted, and appreciated.
#2: They pay attention to their partner’s non-verbal cues
Good lovers pay attention to their partner’s body and other non-verbal types of communication during sex. While communication is key to great sexual satisfaction, not all people are expressive with their words when it comes to sex.
So, learning to recognize the signs of your partner’s pleasure and enjoyment can be a very useful thing. Also, it shows that you are observant, caring, and attentive. It’s a sign that you’re fully immersed at the moment and are fully connected to your body and your partner’s body.
Meditation can actually help you become more in tune with your partner’s reactions. Research shows that meditation improves empathic accuracy and related neural activity, which helps you better understand what your partner feels and it even can create pleasure in your brain from simply watching your partner experience pleasure.
These things combined are the key to being a great lover – because you’re more in tune with your partner, you know what to do to drive them crazy, and when you experience pleasure from giving pleasure, it encourages you to be a more generous lover.
#3: They make their partner feel safe
Respect for boundaries and a good grasp of consent are two fundamental things to any sexual encounter. Good lovers ensure that their partners always feel safe, and heard, they ensure that their partners know that their desires and wants matter and are important.
Always make sure that your partner is giving you enthusiastic consent, no matter what sexual activities you engage in. And if you’re unsure, it’s always best to pause and ask again, rather than assume. Giving your partner the safe space and support to express themselves in whatever way they want will make you a great lover.
#4: They’re open to communication
Sexual communication has been linked to an overall better relationship and sexual satisfaction. Good lovers talk about sex. They believe that being open to sexual communication about their partners and their needs, wants, desires, fantasies and everything in between is important.
There are ways to make sexual communication easier like creating a sex menu together with your partner. This way, instead of having to sit down face to face and talk about what you like and don’t like, you simply focus on the things you enjoy during sex and want more of.
#5: They want to learn about their partner’s body (and pleasure)
Curiosity about sex is another key characteristic of good lovers. They spend time learning about different ways to bring their partner pleasure, and they spend time trying to figure out their partner’s body.
We are all very different, with different preferences and body parts that bring us pleasure. What works for one partner might not work for the other. So, you should aim to be open to learning about what your current partner’s body is like.
Also, learning about your partner’s body and pleasure requires you to be flexible and open to adjusting and adapting. Our sexual needs and desires don’t stay the same throughout our lives. When studying people’s fantasies, Dr. Justin Lehmiller found that our sexual fantasies tend to shift with age, and so does our sexual compatibility.
Good lovers understand that pleasure and their partners are ever-changing, and so they maintain the curiosity to learn new things and adapt.
#6: They are not judgmental and open to trying new things
The research found that novelty is key to higher sexual and relationship satisfaction in long-term relationships. And novelty is crucial for outside the bedroom (trying new hobbies, or working on new projects together) as well as inside the bedroom (exploring new things, like trying sex toys or dabbling in kink).
Good lovers are never judgmental of their partner’s desires and fantasies, even if they’re different from their own (you know the saying – don’t yuck my yum!). And they are also open to trying new things in the bedroom with their partners.
That doesn’t mean you need to go crazy and try all the things your partner desires, even if you don’t want to. You should never do anything you don’t want to do in the bedroom. But being okay to try new things with your partner means that you will always have something to do together, and something to look forward to in the future.
This flexibility and openness to new, exciting things are what sets good lovers (and partners!) and the rest apart.