how to orgasm during sex

Can’t Orgasm With Your New Partner? Try These Tips

I figured out how to orgasm with a partner quite late in life, despite always being very sexually open-minded and adventurous. For years, I would talk with my friends who had orgasms with their partners and feel like there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t able to orgasm with another person involved. 

The good (and the bad) news is that I wasn’t alone in my struggles, and the orgasm gap statistics show that for heterosexual women, partnered sex isn’t greatly orgasmic. 

While 95% of heterosexual men climax during sex, only 65% of heterosexual women do. That sounds like a terrible number if you ask me. What’s interesting though, is that while women struggle with climaxing during partnered sex, they have no issue reaching an orgasm on their own. 

After I figured out how to orgasm during partnered sex for the first time, it was as if I unlocked a new skill. And I do strongly believe that our ability to orgasm with our partners is a skill, and it can 100% be learned. 

Your Ultimate Guide on How To Orgasm With a Partner for the First Time

Here Is Why You Might Not Be Reaching Big Os

Everyone’s struggle with the ability to experience an orgasm with a partner will be different and there are plenty of reasons why you might not achieve an orgasm during partnered sex. 

Before you try all sex positions under the sun, all sex toys, and every other trick out there to help you climax, it might be useful to first understand why you have a problem orgasm with a partner in the first place. 

Societal Pressure 

To this day, there is still a lot of stigma surrounding women’s sexuality and how we should or shouldn’t have sex in many places around the world. 

With so much pressure to act “like a proper lady” and with the slut-shaming that women who want to explore their sexuality face, it’s natural that women tend to suppress this part of themselves, denying themselves their right to pleasure. 

Body Image Issues

There are countless studies that show the negative effect low body confidence has on mental health and various aspects of our lives. Our sex lives can be greatly affected by poor body image. 

A study published in 2021 found that women who have poor body image tend to believe that their partners are less attracted to them, even if that’s not the case in reality. Negative body views affect the way women act and can impact their ability to engage in intimacy and sex with their partners. 

I’d always worry about the way my body looked during sex before. When our minds are occupied with thoughts about how our bodies look, we don’t have the time to enjoy all the sensations that happen to us during sex. 

Obviously, when most people grow up learning about sex from porn, where everything is perfect and women are performing for the cameras, it’s no surprise we’re worried about the way we look, the sounds we make, and whether or not we’re putting up a show for our partners.

All of that effort is exhausting, and takes away our attention from the pleasure and sensations we should be enjoying and wastes it on things that don’t matter. 

Lack of Knowing Yourself

Even if your partner is loving and cares about your pleasure, it might be still difficult to know how to orgasm with them when you don’t know your own body and pleasure very well. 

Lack of self-exploration and knowing what kind of touches and kisses you like, what sexual fantasies turn you on, and what kind of foreplay you need in order to feel sexually satisfied can be a huge interference in satisfying partnered sex. 

How To Orgasm During Partnered Sex

Now that we covered the reasons why you might be struggling with reaching orgasm, it’s time to talk about the fun stuff – how to orgasm with your partner. 

Stop Faking Orgasms 

A small study found that up to 80% of women fake orgasms during partnered sex. We’ve all been there at least once, where we just had to fake it because we didn’t want to hurt our partner’s feelings or we just wanted them to stop. 

While some research claims that faking an orgasm can have benefits to women’s ability to enjoy sex, I’m a huge believer that faking it doesn’t bring you any closer to having a real orgasm with a partner. 

First of all, if you fake an orgasm, your partner will think that whatever they’re doing works for you. This means they’ll keep doing it in the future because they’ll genuinely believe that it’s pleasurable. It will create a never-ending cycle of going through sexual stimulation that doesn’t bring you the most pleasure. 

Second, faking an orgasm takes away the focus from enjoying sex. During partnered sex, you’ll be thinking about how and when is the right time to fake it, which will ruin the whole experience from the start. 

Understand That You Deserve Pleasure the Same Way Your Partner Does

You deserve to have an orgasm the same way your partner does. Even if you feel like it’s taking too long, or believe that it’s just too difficult. Partnered sex is all about enjoying each other, and your partner should never make you feel as if you’re taking too long. 

Sex is a two-way street, and just the way you are generous with your partner, you should give them the opportunity to be generous with you. 

Show Them What You Like

It’s easier said than done, but showing your partner what you like is the best way to guarantee that you have an orgasm during partnered sex. I believe that showing off might be better than telling your partner because we sometimes tend to lack words when it comes to communicating about sex.

So, you can allow your partner to watch you masturbate. It can be a huge turn-on for them and the best way to see how you like to be touched and where. 

Or you can also involve your partner by inviting them to touch you while you give directions. Take their hand and lead it to all the places you want to be touched or show them how to touch you yourself and then allow them to do it for you. 

If in-person lessons are too difficult, consider alternative ways to show your partner what you like. Send them erotica stories that feature sexual acts you find erotic, find movie clips, or even ethical porn videos that show exactly what you enjoy. 

You might even go as far as recording a short video of touching yourself and sending it to your partner. It’s hot, it can be a form of foreplay and it’s also educational, giving them a roadmap to follow. 


Sometimes pretending we’re someone else can be an effective way to let go of any pressure or expectations and fully unwind. That’s where roleplay comes into play. 

Consider dressing up and taking up the roles of someone else during partnered sex to allow yourself to try something new and enjoy sex as someone else. When you’re in a role, it might empower you to be bolder, and more assertive about your own pleasure. 

Use Your Favorite Toy

We all have our favorite sex toy (or a few) and we know very well how to use it to bring us the most pleasure. Consider bringing your trusted sex toy into the bedroom for some partnered play. 

And don’t only use your favorite sex toy on your own. Make it into exploration and use it on your partner as well, or together to enhance both of your pleasures at the same time


Practicing mindfulness has immense health benefits. And it can also be a great way to learn how to stay present in your body during sex which can help to learn how to orgasm with a partner. 

I had trouble focusing on sensations in my body during sex with a partner, which would create a disconnect and make it hard to orgasm. After discovering meditation, I started noticing a difference.

Whether I’m alone or with a partner, my mind is much more receptive to focusing on pleasant sensations in my body and being present in it, rather than thinking about how I look or what I’m doing. I think meditation is one of the best things to enhance sexual pleasure, and you only need 10 minutes a day to practice.