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Top 10 Most Incriminating Soccer O-Faces

It’s a funny old game. Biting, sliding, moments of joy, triumph, satisfaction and disappointment. As we pointed out in our Top 10 Soccer Sex Positions article last week, this particular sport is not so different from sex. As you can see from these handsome guys below. It’s hard to know whether they’re coming or going.

So which orgasm type are you?

10. The Face-Melter

The Face-Melter comes with an involuntary noise: muuhuhuhhhuhuuhuh…


9. The Panicky One

Ever had an orgasm so intense that it made you panic for a second? This guy has.


8. The Shame-Face

A moment of joy, followed by an hour of embarrassment. That’s the Shame-Face.


7. The First Time

Phil Jones here, demonstrating the look of every astounded young man who can’t quite believe their luck the first time.


6. The Life-Changing One

This face happens when your orgasm is so good it brings you to tears and you can never look at your life the same way again so you have to go and live in a yurt in Outer Mongolia until you’re ready to reenter society.


soccer sex positions

5. The Necessary One

This orgasm is not wanted, nor sought out, it’s just needed. Like opening a pressure valve. Ahhhh…


4. The Freezer

This orgasm is so good that it freezes your face solid and you have to sit in front of hair dryer to thaw it out.


3. The Caveman

So called because it makes the orgasmee speak in single syllables. “Ung, uh, uhhhh, ung, UG, UGG!” (Incidentally, this is Phil Jones from number 7, the only man on this list twice.)

th jonesSource

2. The Champion

He came first. And he’s proud of it.


1. The Berserker

A perfect orgasm. All inhibition gone, all self-consciousness evaporated. You look like a frightened goat licking vinegar off an electric fence, and you don’t care.



About Katy Thorn

Katy Thorn is a post-grad writer with a passion for - and a history of - writing about sex, sexuality and all that it entails. She spends her time running, reading, writing and socialising. Katy has a cat named Feargal, she loves coffee and hates writing bios.

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