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Let’s Talk About Foreplay

When we think about the key ingredients to great foreplay, a good conversation definitely isn’t the first thing that springs to mind.
But the simple fact is, talking to the person you love can genuinely act as a top aphrodisiac and we don’t just mean by using a select group of four letter words.

Conversation for Appreciation

It is no secret that people who feel confident with their role in a relationship also feel less restrained by it and, as a result, self-assured people have better sex.

Let's Talk About Foreplay

Waxing a good word with your nearest and dearest is a great way to make them feel appreciated as taking time to listen to their views and opinions on what’s going on in the world – be it sexual or otherwise – will let them know that you value their opinion.

While this might not seem like an obvious connection, the fact that they feel confident in this aspect of your relationship will help them feel more secure, and therefore less inhibited, about suggesting new things for you to try in the bedroom.

Conversation for Relaxation

Stress is one of the biggest libido killers around, and one of the best ways to relieve stress is to get it off your chest by talking to someone who cares.

Sex is another great way, in case you didn’t know.

But we digress. Sharing with your partner any problems that are going on in your personal life, will not only make you feel better, it will make the two of you feel closer, which is the perfect lead-up to a different kind of silver tongue service.

Conversation for Communication

Now this one sounds like a given, but according to relationships experts it’s remarkable how often couples talk to each other without actually communicating anything of any real use.

If you’ve been in a relationship for a while and you’re looking to add a new dimension to your foreplay but you’re not sure how to approach the subject, think back to the days when you first met your lover and the tactics you used to woo them. The art of seduction doesn’t exist unless you use your words, so maybe it’s time to read your dusty old playbook over again.

If you’re single, you’ve got no excuse. Get out there and hone those silky skills.

About Donna Turner

Donna is a Volonté contributor and freelance writer who lives in San Francisco with her husband and two sons. Her work has appeared in Psychology Today, Go! Magazine (Australia) and is regularly featured in the San Francisco Herald.


  1. How can I get my old self back when I’m extramly unsure how to start the foreplay now days?
    My partner doesn’t sexually react on anything else than me getting an orgasm or moaning with pleasure, but I need to get there first to get him interested. So, how can I find the playfulness in me when we aren’t the same anymore and the old tricks doesn’t work so easy and my parnter doesn’t seem to try new things?

    I know it’s just for me to turn off the TV and tell him to look at me when I’m touching myself, but I got somekind of sadness in me that stoppes me and my old determined voice weakens. I don’t want to be rejected and I can’t make him turned on the old ways.

    My only option what I can think of are just trying again and do all the things I want to do with him and hope he wants to try it too. But I wish I could make him say what I can do to pleasure him more that touching myself.
    I’ve bought IDA and I really, really hope this toy can turn on my spark so I can be the woman he miss and maybe he get back his old self too.

  2. Hey Emma,

    I’m very sorry that you are feeling so terrible about this but don’t give up hope. It’s great that you are open to trying to things, like IDA. But what I want to ask is, is your husband open to using toys etc.?

    My main advice would be talk to him about how you are feeling and how this is affecting you. Sex changes as relationships grow and mature and I believe you and your husband need to find a new way to explore your sexualities together. Going back to how it used to be could be an option, but if you open up calmly to him, you may discover that your sex life can develop even more from your old way. This is a journey you both need to make together and can be an exciting one too. I wish you all the best.

  3. Thank you for the anwser.
    I have talked to him many times about just these things and I always end up crying.

    He likes sex only because I enjoy it. That’s very nice in a way. But I get very emotional when it’s only on my terms and what I want. It makes me feel useless. I don’t have the spark for very long when I need to start, tell him what to do from start to finish and if I run out of ideas he just stop and waits every time we have sex.

    If only I wanted sex for my own pleasure it would be fine. You may Think it’s wonderful, but to not see him get an orgasm in almost a year, never be able to pleasure him oraly (he says he likes it and thinks it’s nice but he just looks at me with no expression and seem to think about nothing at all and the erection stops) and knowing he only have sex because I like it is in a way heartbreaking and my motivation drives on hope right now.

    And I don’t know how to get his attention when we’re seeing a movie or he’re playing games.
    His advice is to turn off the tv and drag him to the bedroom. But that way always get strange when I’m not very turned on already and he just looks at me and wait. I feel very unsexy in those moments.

    I’m going to try again and he likes the idea with IDA (Yay, first time he says anything for ages ) and I’m going to try to gain some positive thinking. If he’s Into toys is hard to say.
    When I ask him If he would like to try something with me he doesn’t say yes or no…or anything at all or that he doesn’t know.

    I know It’s something we need to do together and that’s what I want, but it doesn’t feel that way at all…that’s why I’m sad.
    Our relationship and Communication is working good besides when it’s about sex. It’s so hard to solve this myself and I know I can’t. I’ve gone this road many times before and it always ends up of me crying and giving up because I can’t get much from him besides that he want me to take Control…I just doesn’t want to all the time.

  4. While mismatched libido in a relationship can be difficult but not impossible, if your communication is working successfully in other parts of your relationship then that gives hope that it can work for this aspect too. Many couples benefit from couples’ counselling and although this may sound scary, it’s a positive alternative for you to communicate about your sex life. Having a third party act as platform between the two of you could help your partner open up more. When things like this happen in a relationship, it’s easy to fall into the same pattern of discussion which can cause more hurt than good. Having someone mediate between you both, will help bring new ideas and a different point of view to the table. Sincerely, Katy.

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