Sex columnist Dan Savage explained the art of talking dirty very simply: “Dirty talk for beginners: Tell ’em what you’re going to do, tell ’em what you’re doing, tell ’em what you did.”
This formula sounds perfect, but what if you’re shy and struggle with articulating your thoughts?
Not all people are comfortable with voicing their desires and emotions during sex. The same goes for dirty talk and revealing the naughtiest thoughts to the partner, even in a long-term relationship.
If you’re one of the shy ones who would like to try sexy talk during sex but have no idea how to talk dirty and what to say, then this guide is going to be perfect for you.
How to Talk Dirty During Sex Even if You’re Shy
The best way to learn how to talk dirty is to start small and take the baby step approach.
We have a simple 5-step process that will help even the shyest of the bunch to voice their dirty thoughts during sex once you’re done with the process:
Step 1: Familiarize Yourself with Dirty Talk and Get Used to It
Some people are gifted with a talented mouth, and words come easily for them, while others struggle to articulate their thoughts. If you’re unsure how to talk dirty, then you want to start by seeking out references on how other people do it.
We are all more or less familiar with the dirty talk from porn, but most of it is not the best example of how dirty talk sounds in the bedroom. Because porn is a show and a form of entertainment, it can often be profane and exaggerated.
It’s good to seek out different forms of dirty talk and see how other people use it. Check out different porn videos (always best to choose ethical sources), compare them with each other, and see what sounds the most natural to you.
Reading erotic literature and erotica stories might also be a great way to get a feel of how dirty talk sounds like during sex. You can even listen to erotica stories and hear the dirty talk examples, which might give you a better sense of what sounds better.
After a while, you’re going to get familiar with the different things people say during sex talk and, sooner or later, you’re going to develop a taste for what turns you on and what you would use yourself when it’s time for some dirty talk.
Step 2: Have a Conversation with Your Partner About Your Needs and Wants
If you and your partner have been having mostly silent sex without any dirty talk since you first started having sex, then it might come as a shock to your partner if one day you bring in the big guns and start murmuring dirty things into their ear.
This is where most people struggle with how to talk dirty in the bedroom because they’re unsure whether it’s something their partners might enjoy. The best solution — feel your partner out outside the bedroom and have an honest conversation about your sexual wants and needs.
You might discover that your partner is dying to try dirty talk in bed. Or maybe they’re unsure, just like you but would be open for experimentation.
In the case they absolutely detest any form of communication during sex, it’s also good to figure it out before you tell them how big their cock is or how good their pussy feels.
Step 3: Try Scenarios in Your Head and See How That Feels
If you’re unsure how to talk dirty IRL (in real life) just yet, the safest thing to do after you’ve familiarized yourself with it is to play with different scenarios in your head. You already probably have certain sexual fantasies you like to conjure, so why not add in a little bit of sex talk?
You can either start by imagining yourself and your partner, and what you would say to them during sex, or if that makes you uncomfortable, then you can create sexual fantasies where you’re the spectator instead of being an active participant.
Imagine what you’d like the people in your fantasy to say, how they would react, and what type of pleasure dirty talk would bring them.
Sexual fantasies are the best way to explore different sexual things you’re interested in trying, and it’s your own private safe space where you can imagine anything you want. And once you’re comfortable with your fantasies, then it’s going to be time for the next step.
Step 4: Try Sexting Before the Dirty Talk in Bed
Shy and introverted people do find it easier to communicate via text messages or the internet when they don’t have to face the person they’re talking to.
When you’re trying to figure out how to talk dirty and make it sound sexy, it might be easier to start with sexting, so you’re not as nervous. Also, sexting is very hot and could be another thing you and your partner will incorporate into your regular sex life.
You can try sending sexy texts to your partner while you’re both at work, building the anticipation for some sexy time action once you’re both at home later in the evening.
Messages don’t have to be long or complicated, and things as “I’m thinking of you as I’m sitting in this meeting” could be a safe start to build your confidence. Later, the same text can turn into “I’m thinking of how good you’d look between my legs under this meeting desk.”
Dirty Talk Tip
Use simple language when you’re talking dirty. If you’re not using flowery, elaborate words in your day-to-day life, then you don’t have to use them during sex talk either.
Simple, short statements that let your partner know how you feel or what you want to do to them work perfectly.
Try These Phrases When Sexting
“I can’t get you out of my mind.”
“I can’t wait to get home and bend you over the dinner table as I eat your pussy.”
“When I get home tonight, I’m going to tie you up and make you beg for my cock.”
“What do you want me to do to you once we see each other this weekend?”
“Are you thinking of me?”
“I can’t wait to fuck you this weekend.”
“I can still taste you in my mouth from this morning.”
“The memories of last night got me so horny I had to take a walk during lunch to cool down.”
Step 5: Embrace Your Desires and Start Talking
After some research, fantasizing, and some heated texting, you should be more comfortable and familiar with how to talk dirty. Now, it’s time to put all the practice to the test and engage in some sexy talk during sex.
Do Tell Your Partner What You’re Going to Do to Them
Another easy way to talk dirty is by telling your partner what you’re going to do to them. You already practiced it during sexting, so this is not going to be very different.
Look them in the eye, caress their body as you make dirty promises right into their ear:
“I’m going to make you beg for me to finish you off.”
“I’m going to make you scream with my mouth alone.”
“I’m going to kiss every single inch of your body because I love it all.”
“I’m going to fuck you with my fingers.”
Do Tell Your Partner How Good It Feels
Even if your partner’s main love language isn’t words of affirmation, they’ll appreciate you telling them how good they feel as you’re having sex.
Praise them, compliment them and let them know in every way possible how great what you’re doing is and how much you love it.
“I love the way your mouth feels against my lips.”
“I want more of you inside me.”
“Your cock is so hard. I want it inside.”
“I love every inch of your body.”
“You look amazing bouncing on my cock.”
“You’re so wet I can barely hold myself back.”
“I love the way you suck my dick/eat my pussy.”
Do Tell Your Partner What You Want Them to Do to You
You don’t need to give your partner extensive instructions about what you want them to do. Simple, short phrases are enough and can be a very sexy way to take over the control and guide them to pleasuring you just the way you want.
“I want you to bend me over and fuck me.”
“I need you to fuck me harder.”
“Deeper, just like that.”
“Spank my ass.”
“Choke me while you fuck me.”
“Make me scream your name.”
“Pull my hair.”
“Come on my stomach/back/breasts.”
“I want you to finish inside me.”
“Hold me in your arms.”
Don’t Overthink It
Dirty talk is supposed to be fun and sexy, so don’t overthink every word that’s coming out of your mouth. You’re engaging in sexual activity with a partner you trust, so there is nothing embarrassing about voicing your thoughts and wants.
Let your mind be present with your body in the moment, as it will surely make the whole experience so much more pleasurable.
Don’t Be Vulgar if You Don’t Want to Be
Yes, it’s called dirty talk, but it doesn’t mean that it has to be profane and vulgar if that’s not something you’re interested in.
Keep it simple, keep it casual, and even soft if that’s your preferred way of communicating.