Sex is NOT Better When It’s Rare

If you think having sex once a week (or month, or year) is enough, think again. Forget treating the Big O like a rare occasion that calls for taking out your grandma’s china. Sex is something that should be on your menu as often as you dang well please – and if you’re holding back because you’ve been told sex should only be for special occasions, I’ve got news for you.

sex is not better when its rare

It’s a new decade, baby – and it’s time you took on more gratifying habits. But feeling resistance or shame around the thought of having sex multiple times a week (or hey, every day) isn’t your fault. For as long as contemporary pop culture has reigned supreme, there’s one major problem that has snuck into every corner of our media: shame.

In movies, television, books, and music, sex is treated like something that just happens to us, that catches us unawares. Characters seldom have agency around when it happens, and if they do, their plans are usually thwarted. There’s no forward planning involved, no healthy appetite for frequent experimentation. If television has taught us anything about sex, it’s that if you’re about to get it, you’d better already be starving. 

But you know what? Pop culture isn’t always right. If you ask me, we’re better off without that toxic sludge the media has spoon-fed us. Sex isn’t better when it’s rare; the real treat unfolds when we celebrate our bodily autonomy and indulge in all those lush folds of pleasure whenever the mood strikes, free of limits and shame.

It’s not just my own opinion I’m going off of here. There are a million reasons why you should be getting it on more frequently than – and the best reason of all just so happens to be the simplest, too:

Sex should be fun

Think about the last time you and your partner went a hot minute without getting down and dirty. When the moment finally came upon you, were you both eager for some exploration? Did you try new things and whip out that underloved vibrator? Probably not. Chances are, you went at it with a sense of urgency, skipping all that extra fluff that makes each encounter so delicious and different from the next.

That primal howling at the moon with another body is all well and good, but sex should be rich with sensations. When you’re only having sex once or twice a month, by the time you actually get around to stripping down, you may be so thirsty for it that you’re grateful for whatever unfolds, without taking time to curate the event. 

While being easy-going is a fantastic trait in the sack, that attitude may also keep some folks from advocating for their fantasies. Whether that’s a complex roleplay scenario or just a certain way we like to have our bodies touched, we all have some kink that titillates us the most. But when sex is a one-off event, we may be so preoccupied with getting it on in the first place that we don’t allow ourselves the space to indulge a curiosity or loosen up. 

Here’s the thing. Sex is more than just ticking off an orgasm or two; we should be indulging in play that ignites every nerve in harmony. And the way to find that pleasure isn’t by treating sex like some celestial event; it’s through letting ourselves really and truly play. When you have sex regularly, you get to experiment and see what feels good as you and your partners evolve. What works for you one month may not do it the next – and that’s okay, because when you have sex often, you’ll also learn another vital truth: sex should be silly.

Yes, silly. When you have it infrequently, it’s easy to treat it as so serious that a queef could ruin everything, and you may get hyper-focused on seeming sexy. With such rigidity, you lose the space to laugh and play, to explore each other’s bodies and the depths of companionship with a lover. Even when your partners are casual, what’s the point of getting it on if you’re not having fun? 

You may not be bold enough to whip out the paddle or crack a joke if you’re only hoping to just get an orgasm out of the whole deal. If you’re only unwinding once in a blue moon, toys and costumes may gather dust. Plus, if you don’t use a paddle for a long time, you may start feeling a little rusty – which is another reason we should all be getting it on a little more often…

Sex is a skill

Just like anything else you do on the regular – yoga, sewing, cooking, playing guitar – sex is a skill. We all start out as shoddy lovers. But if we let go of the notion that sex is a fixed thing, something funny happens. Suddenly, new information comes out of the woodwork. Far from fixed, our sex skills can skyrocket if we only apply ourselves.

When you’re not getting it on that often, you don’t have the time to try out new skills and pleasure your partner (or hey, yourself) in rich and satiating ways. Instead, you may get stuck approaching the same techniques over and over again, like a porn version of Groundhog Day. But when you have sex often, it goes back to the idea of sex being fun: you have space to try that new technique, like putting both balls in your mouth, or finally figuring out how to use a strap-on well.

Practicing and playfulness are how we up our game. Like every skill though, you need to put in ten thousand hours of applied practice before you achieve master status. When you have sex often, you may be inclined to read more books and articles about it or watch videos on how to be a better lover. We all have it in us to become mind-blowing lovers – all it takes is a little honing of our technique. Plus, as we become better in bed, we may find ourselves improving in other areas as well.

Frequent sex teaches you a lot about yourself

Sex is more than just getting to try the weird stuff – although that’s always a treat. When you have sex often, you become able to identify what exactly gets you off. The tongue techniques, the sway of the hips, or what someone does with their fingers; you’re suddenly familiar with all of it, making you a rounded sexual being capable of vocalizing your desires. If you only have sex with your partner once a week or less, it’s easy to lose your footing and not know how to advocate for what gets you off most. 

Sex is good for you

There are so many reasons that sex is an amazing boon for your health that I could dedicate several thousand words to the subject all by itself. But I’ll keep it brief. Sex is an incredible technique for keeping your body and mind healthy. Some of my favorite ways that hanky panky helps us stay perky?

  • Orgasms are known to combat recurring headaches. According to one study, they can reduce migraine symptoms by sixty percent, and cluster headaches by up to 37%. 
  • Sex releases serotonin in your body, which fills you with feelings of well-being. You’ll not only feel more content in the hours afterward; you’ll also sleep like a dream, to boot. Not convinced? Just ask the 32% of women who masturbate to fall asleep.
  • Serotonin isn’t the only player on the field making your orgasms feel oh, so nourishing. A soothing complement to the other chemicals, oxytocin makes you feel soothed while offering a whole host of other benefits. It improves digestion, lowers blood pressure, and reduces stress. Flooding your bod after a good sesh (solo or partnered), oxytocin is known as the “love’ hormone for a reason. Recent research from The American Psychological Association indicates that a rush of oxytocin leaves you feeling more forgiving, trusting, and generous. Translation: regular sex makes you a better neighbor. Sign me up!
  • Sex boosts your immune system. When you get it on, you’re upping your body’s immunoglobulin A content (an antibody that’s dope at helping you stave off colds and cases of flu) by 30%. In a time in history when immunity is everything, we should all be doing everything we can to feel our best.
  • Getting it on can regulate your period, and the contractions from orgasms can help combat cramps – ‘nuff said.
  • Omega 3s aren’t the only thing on the scene designed to help feed your brain. Good orgasms increase blood flow to your brain, giving it much-needed nutrients and oxygen, keeping you perky and alert for the next trivia night – or just another round in the sack. 
  • According to one Australian study from 2019 published by Harvard, men who ejaculate 4.6 to 7 times per week were 36% less likely to develop prostate cancer, when compared to folks who ejaculate two times or less per week. 

Getting frisky prevents cancer, keeps us happy, ups our immune system, and lowers our stress – just to name a few. It’s enough to make you wonder why we’re all not having sex every single day.

Good sex doesn’t have to be partnered

If you’re reading all this and feeling bummed that you don’t have a partner to reap these benefits with, cheer up. All these reasons to have more sex apply regardless of if you’re getting it on with your spouse, at an orgy, or with you and you alone.

Solo sex, like all other sex, has a million benefits – and if you’re doing it right, it can even improve your partnered love life. When you have a little fun all by your lonesome, you explore the nuance of your own pleasure. While we’ve all been raised in a society that shames us for being complete, sexual beings, there is nothing wrong with seeking pleasure from your own means – even when you’re having sex with your spouse later that day.

The problem is, we’re taught that jealousy is a healthy manifestation of love, and our partner may feel like we’re choosing another means of pleasure without them present. The truth, as always, is much juicier. There is a fascinating 2019 study from The Journal of Sexual Medicine that reveals that women who masturbate frequently are more sexually active with their partner – and the partnered sex they have features frequent and more intense orgasms than their non-masturbating peers enjoy.

Translation: when we take the time to discover what we want, we get to bring those discoveries into the bedroom whenever the time comes, and show our partner exactly how we like to get off.

Plus, if you and your partner have mismatched libidos, masturbating can help both parties feel satisfied while keeping the relationship humming along smoothly – as long as communication is a regular part of the deal. Even if you don’t have a honey lined up, give yourself that post-orgasm glow, and get to know your body; whenever you’re ready to start playing with a new partner, you’ll have a world of knowledge to deliver.

Shame is so last decade

Let me say it again a little louder for the people in the back: sex doesn’t have to be a one-off treat to be nourishing. We’ve all been taught to feel negatively about our bodies, but it’s time for us to embrace everything we have, and to let ourselves indulge in a good time. 

The verdict is in: sex is bountiful in multitudes, and the more often you have it, the better it feels, and the more you know about yourself. Do you get it on often? Let me know how it ripples out and enriches your everyday life!

Written by: Nikita Andester

A PDX-based creator, Nikita applies a queer, sex-positive lens to everything she touches, from articles on foot fetishes to new song lyrics. When not delving into the juicy world of sex writing, she can be found working on her novel, making music, busying herself in community theater, or otherwise being a total ham.

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