Most of us have been there. You wake up, maybe a little dazed and confused, but also maybe a little turned on.
What just happened? Did I really just? No wait, that was definitely a dream.
Sexy dreams can catch you off guard, even if they were enjoyable.
You might be thinking to yourself “I’m not actually into that, am I?” or “I would never have sex with that person!”
Yet the subconscious mind works in weird and mysterious ways. Many of which, we don’t quite understand as humans.
Let’s take a look at why we have sexy dreams, and what they might mean.
You Make the Meaning
First things first, you create meaning around your dreams.
Even Freud can’t tell you what’s going on in your psyche based on your dreams.
There might be some correlations, or theories on what your sex dreams might mean, but these are all just that – theories.
If you have sex with someone you don’t want to in a dream or do something that doesn’t feel right to you, it doesn’t mean that that’s what you’re into, or you really want to have sex with that person.
Dreams are how our mind processes our days, any stress we’re holding onto, and insights into parts of ourselves we might want to explore.
Your sexy dreams only have to mean something if you want them to.
The Most Popular Sex Dreams
Men and women report that about 8% of their dreams are sex dreams. As of now, this data only represents cis-gendered people. Of course, trans and non-binary folks also have sex dreams.
Hopefully, it will become more inclusive in the future!
Read that last part again.
It’s saying that, on average, 8% of a person’s total dreams are sex dreams.
That’s a lot of sexy dreams!
Just what kind of sex dreams are people having?
These are some of the most common ones:
Having sex in public
Sex with a celebrity
Sex with a friend
Sex with an ex
Sex with a current partner
Sex with a stranger
Sex with a colleague
Other fairly common sexy dreams co-star people who might not be the gender you normally have sex with, or random acquaintances.
It’s Not Always About Sex
When you have a sex dream, it’s easy to take it literally.
If we know anything about dreams, it’s that they’re usually not straightforward.
So, why do we do that with sex dreams?
A lot of that has to do with the shame that we carry around sex, both as individuals and as a society.
Some of the most common sexy dreams people have are around authority figures. Teachers, coaches, even parents. You might wake up in the morning thinking “Where on Earth did that come from?!”
Researchers have found that people who have experienced abuse or harmful family dynamics at a young age were more likely to have frequent sexual dreams.
These kinds of dreams, even when they feel slightly disturbing or weird, are an invitation to face something that maybe you were suppressing or could do some healing work around.
If this is something that is recurring and bothering you, it may be helpful to discuss it with a therapist, or other mental health professional.
How Do You Feel?
You can go in circles forever trying to figure out what your sex dreams mean, but that’s not the biggest piece here.
What matters most is how they made you feel.
Paying attention to your emotional state during the dream and upon waking can help show you just what these dreams might be trying to bring to the surface.
Here are some questions to ask yourself?
Does this actually reflect my sexual desires?
Do I feel stressed during the dream or when I wake up?
Do I feel ashamed of this dream?
Did this dream turn me on?
Is this a recurring dream?
Take a moment to reflect on this after you wake up.
*Bonus points if you journal about it!
How to Have Sexy Dreams
While some sex dreams may seem a little discombobulating, other ones can be healing and energizing.
Those are the kinds of dreams you want to have more of.
We’ve got some tips for you whether you want to ease the stress that’s causing uncomfortable sex dreams, or you want to have more fulfilling sex dreams.
Create a Night-time Routine
What you do before you go to sleep can impact what dreams come up.
You can create more enjoyable sex dreams by having a go-to bedtime routine or ritual.
Here are some things you can add into yours:
Avoid using your phone for 30 minutes to an hour before bed.
Get present in your body by taking a bath or doing some self-massage.
Read a sexy novel before going to sleep.
Set an intention for yourself about what kind of dream you want to have, and how you want to feel. Say it to yourself and visualize it while you go to sleep.
Some other more in-depth ways you can influence your dreams are through lucid dreaming and hypnosis.
Lucid dreaming is a practice where people become conscious of their dreams, and can more or less control them. Some people do this naturally, but you can also teach yourself to do it, and make your sexual fantasies come to life!
Another tool is hypnosis. This isn’t about controlling your mind, but more about finding a deep state of relaxation and influencing it to do something. There are quite a few hypnosis apps you can download and listen to while you’re going to sleep.
Another option is to record yourself on your phone’s voice notes. Talk about your sexual fantasy as if it was already happening in a calm, slow voice for anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes.
You can even listen to audio porn as you fall asleep, and see what kind of dreams you have!
One of the most impactful ways you can remember and help influence your dreams is by writing them down. Keep a journal by your bed, and write down your dreams whenever you wake up. Whether it’s in the morning or the middle of night.
You’ll be amazed at how much more in control you feel of your inner landscape!
Remember, sex dreams are totally normal, and common. They only have to mean something if you want them to, but what matters most is how they make you feel.