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State of the Union, Undressed

Sex has become so heavily politicized that we thought it would be fun to sexualize politics right back. It’s only fair.State of the Union, Undressed

Absentee vote: When your partner is away for work but they suggest what type of toy you amuse yourself with whilst they’re away.

Affirmative action: A sex act that produces a positive response. “You like it like that, don’t you?” “Affirmative.”

Anarchy: A relationship between 2 or more people that is based solely on voluntary institutions. Unfortunately, many people end up volunteering for things such as oral sex and massages, yet no one seems to volunteer for picking up milk or deciding where to go for dinner.

Ancien Régime: Doing it ‘the French Way’: languidly, in a shabby rented room that smells of smoke, while drinking fabulous wine.

Backbencher: Sex in the back of a cinema. “Shall we go see Independence Day 2? It’s rubbish and noisy, perfect for a quick backbencher.”

The Beltway: The marks left after a spanking.

Bipartisan: Two parties coming together.

Boondoggle: Complicated sex position that takes ages to set up and then does absolutely nothing for you.

Bi-election: Electing to take partners from all parts of the political spectrum.

Cabinet: A piece of furniture containing tumblers, alcohol, and some hopefully some tonic water that you fell of once while having sex.

Candidate: A first date where both parties lay out their sexual desires, hard and soft limits, hang ups and emotional baggage frankly and forthrightly before the dessert course. Not to be confused with the French ‘Candidedate’ which is when one person recites Voltaire to their partner until climax is reached by either party.

Carpetbagger: Similar to a teabagger, but from one who eschews the myth of hygiene achieved through hair removal.

Casual Vacancy: Speaks for itself, really.

Defenestration: Having sex with your head out of a window.

Filibuster: An orgasm so intense that it requires additional syllables. “I think I’m going to FILIBUST”

Gladhanding: To welcome people warmly with one or both hands. When doing so, don’t underestimate how helpful a water-based lubricant can be.

Gubernatorial: Relating to a governor in a manner that restricts one’s ability to clearly enunciate due to obstruction of the mouth.

NIMBY: Meaning ‘Not in My Back Yard’ it can refer to one’s wishes to abstain from anal play or a simple request that any al fresco activity not happen behind their house.

Prorogue: The word ‘prologue’ spoken through a ballgag.

Power Vacuum: When there is no identifiable method of achieving orgasm, the confused citizen may turn to dangerous and nearly always regrettable means.

Recall: When one in is a state they did not anticipate and so attempt to go over each detail preceding to figure out how they came to be ridden around like a horse at an orgy.

Swing State: If you’ve ever wondered why the bowls for holding keys in Colorado are so robust, it should be abundantly clear now.

Whip:  A person who makes sure everyone at the party is behaving as they ought to, though sometimes a paddle or riding crop is used.

About Donna Turner

Donna is a Volonté contributor and freelance writer who lives in San Francisco with her husband and two sons. Her work has appeared in Psychology Today, Go! Magazine (Australia) and is regularly featured in the San Francisco Herald.

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