Eight Things That Ruin Our Sex Lives
We’re complex creatures. But we tend to become entirely enigmatic in issues of our sexualities. It seems to me that, even in a healthy relationship, our relationship is confused by a poor understanding and a lack of honesty about our sexualities.
We lack awareness of our own sexualities, and that of our partners. We just don’t take the time to learn, to know ourselves better. So, below, I’ve put together a series of eight components that constitute our psychosexual make up that can impact our relationships.
It’s safe to say most of us have some kind of anxiety about our sexualities. Fear of rejection, poor body image and sharing fantasies are three of the most common causes of sexual anxiety.
No one finds it easy to share their anxieties, and as such, these anxieties are often suppressed and withheld from a partner.
One problem that some couples have is a kind of sexual double standard: we’ve been coached by society on what constitutes appropriate behavior gender. Therefore, we expect different behavior from our partner then we would behave, in a straight relationship. Gay relationships tend to be dictated by role expectations.
Our sexual desires are generally developed around puberty. That’s when we learn how to masturbate – in private. They’re private for a long time, and it can be difficult to break that habit by telling a partner about them.
Taboos don’t exist in a vacuum, they usually persist for generations, influencing our behavior on a social level.
The problem with taboos is that theire associated with shame and embarrassment, and we have to work together to destigmatize them for the sake of our mental health.
The willingness to share past trauma is crucial to treating it. Those that have experienced abuse in the past might often expect it from a current partner. It’s essential that a victim feels safe and trusts their partner not to take advantage of them.
Access to balanced, reasoned, accurate and ethical sex education early in life can really make the difference in later life. Poor sex education is responsible for a large amount of the issues partners experience with regards to our personal pleasure.
Sexual history can have a huge impact on our relationships. Early sexual experiences are very influential later in our lives, and starting a new relationship often requires re-learning our sexuality. We’ve all had bad sexual experiences, it’s important we talk about them.
With 16 years in the adult industry, including many years at LELO, it’s fair to say Stu has been around the sex toy block a few times. As LELO’s resident sex geek, he’s been featured in the Independent, the Guardian, HuffPost, Vice, Cosmopolitan, and anywhere people talk about sex. Here on Volonte, he turns his spotlight onto the important events affecting sex right now in a regular op-ed. Views are his own.