End Kink Shaming & Be Kink Positive

If you’ve read one of my previous articles, you’ll know that a kink and a fetish are two different things. And today, we’ll be zoning in on the term: kink. First off…

End Kink Shaming and Be Kink Positive

What Does ‘Kink’ Mean?

A kink is something that someone finds arousing but that’s generally not considered mainstream sexual. It’s hard to really pin-point the definition because kinks come in all different shapes and sizes. 

But, some examples could include engaging in role play, using cuffs in the bedroom to enhance the experience or create arousal, spanking, exhibitionism or voyeurism.

And now that you’re more familiar with what a kink is, let’s get a little more up close and personal with the idea. The goal is to remove feelings of shame surrounding sexuality and kink and to guide you on how you can be more kink-positive in the bedroom!

Ending Kink Shame

For the longest time, “unusual sexual acts” were seen as deviant or pathological. This is because of a study conducted in 1886 by German psychiatrist, Richard Freiherr von Krafft-Ebing.

But of course, with time comes knowledge! And a 2016 study done by psychologist Christian Joyal found that nearly half of his test subjects were interested in at least one or more of these “unusual sexual behaviors” mentioned by von Krafft-Ebing. 

Not only that, but one-third of these individuals had pursued one or more of these behaviors, which was linked to higher levels of life satisfaction. What does that tell us? Well, kink is alive and well, and is actually making people happier! 

But what led researchers such as von Krafft-Ebing to believe that these kinds of sexual behaviors were devious? 

For one, a study by psychologist Keely Kolmes showed that individuals were simply too ashamed to mention their kinks and less mainstream sexual interests to their therapists. They too found that many professionals showed unfavorable attitudes towards these sexual acts, which further increased levels of shame.

Additionally, in the past, many mental health professionals lacked training and used their own ignorance to place judgment and shame on their patients. 

The good news is, the stigma attached to kinky behaviour has drastically decreased with time and education. In 2010, a set of guidelines were set in motion for mental health professionals to start understanding, accepting, and learning about sexuality in all of its glory.

In a nutshell, the document teaches us that von Krafft-Ebing (and those who believed his theories) were wrong, and that sexual kinks can actually be healthy and healing.

The point is, given the above research, it’s evident that a considerable amount of people all over the world enjoy, and practice, kinky behavior, and that it’s something that should not be deemed “devious”. 

There is no reason to be ashamed about kinky practices, especially if said-kink brings you happiness and sexual satisfaction!

Having said that, let’s dive into the good stuff…

3 Different Ways You Can Incorporate Kink in the Bedroom

1. Blindfolds

When two partners have unhindered trust, using a blindfold can be extremely erotic. And sure, you may have tried it before, but what really counts is what happens while the blindfolded is worn.

If you’re the one taking the reins, you can tease and please your lover who will literally be in the dark, unable to know what will happen next. This heightens the sexual tension, and (if you’re prone to feeling self-conscious in the bedroom), gives you the opportunity to let go and play without any judgment.

While your partner is blindfolded you could try temperature play. For example, using ice cubes or candle wax to create sensations on the skin, or take a swig of warm chocolate sauce and then giving them oral sex.

2. Restraints

You could pair the blindfold with restraints, or simply use them on their own. Either way, restraints are an excellent start to exploring kink, as they give you both the experience of power play.

There are tons of different things you can use to restrain your partner, from handcuffs to ropes, ties and other bondage equipment. You could also use your body weight to restrain them. 

If you’re going to start with restraining equipment, you could:

  • Put their hands behind their back
  • Tie their wrists and ankles to the bedpost
  • Use a spreader bar to give you uninterrupted access to your favourite body part of theirs

3. Spanking

Spanking is so easy yet so versatile. You could use your hand or a piece of equipment, and you can do it during all kinds of sex acts.

Some kinky spanking tools include:

  • Whips
  • Floggers
  • Paddles
  • Riding Crops

Spanking tip? Be super careful about where you strike. It’s recommended to stick to the buttocks area, because if one is struck on the kidneys or spine, it could cause some very serious damage.

A Guide on Playing Safe

Despite the fact that kink can play a very positive role in a (sexual) relationship, there are a few guidelines that are important for any kink enthusiasts. 

Make sure to:

Always Have Consent

Consent isn’t just for new partners, it’s for all partners. Consent is when both parties actively agree in sound health and mind to any (sexual) act that may happen. 

In this way, communication too is very important, and setting some ground rules beforehand (boundaries, interests, hard limits, and a safeword) can ensure that your play time is even sexier than you had anticipated.

Enjoy Healthy Pain

There are various types of pain that one may enjoy giving or receiving, making the world of kink so colorfully amazing. But whichever act you’re enjoying, make sure that it is safe. 

A suggestion would be to read up on and educate yourself on the body, the practice, and different ways to explore your kink without causing any long-term damage to bodily tissue or nerves.

Always Engage in Aftercare

Aftercare is arguably one of the most important aspects of the kink community. And even if engaging in your favourite activity has been intensely pleasurable, without aftercare, one or both partners could feel discarded, sad, or anxious afterward.

Aftercare can include cuddling, talking, making sure that both partners feel safe and happy, or even bringing a partner a glass of water.

Have Unwavering Trust

Trust is key when two people participate in sexual acts in general. But when there are ropes, whips and handcuffs involved, there needs to be an unshakable level of trust. This is to ensure everyone’s safety and to remove any uncomfortable feelings that may arise during playtime. 

Both partners also need to trust that when one party wants to end their scene, it will happen immediately with the utmost level of care.

So, when it comes to kink, we’re for sure giving the green light. There is no reason to feel ashamed about your preferences, but it’s also your prerogative to share or not share your sexual kinks and desires with whomever. 

Either way, always remember that physical and mental safety always comes first.

Written by: Helena Lorimer

Helena is a sex-positive freelance copywriter in her early 30’s from Cape Town, South Africa. She’s travelled and lived in various countries in Asia and Europe for almost a decade, and continues to live her dream — traveling the world independently as a copywriter. Having written for various companies and magazines within the industry, she has extensive knowledge in the field of sexual health, the escort industry, and sex toy marketing.

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