You might Question our Security, but You can’t Argue with Our Protection
‘Celebrity sex toys,’ they said. ‘The best luxury pleasure brand in the world,’ they said. ‘Redefined a stagnant industry,’ they said. And while the press acclaim for LELO grew, and we were all feeling pretty good about ourselves, little did we know that a dark force was growing in strength against us. That force? Greed.
*thunder & lightning*
Honestly, it was easier when no one had heard of us. Now that our name is really out there, we’ve become victims to a theft the likes of which the world has never seen. Gah, the pressures of fame. Woe is us. Et cetera, et cetera.
Because as you are no doubt aware, given the 24 hour wall-to-wall rolling news coverage, our Las Vegas warehouse, that bastion of sin and monument to all that is good and hedonistic, was viciously burglarized by what must surely be the horniest criminals in world history. Horniest and, oddly, most socially responsible. They stole 30000 of our beloved HEX™ condoms in one fell swoop. Check out a video below, story continues after the jump.
Criminal geniuses at work. Smashing the rear window of their own car to shovel in booty faster is a particularly efficient touch. Saves on the air conditioning too. One hopes that they stole those condoms, got into a time machine, went back 18-25 years (by the looks of it), and presented them all to their own fathers.
Too harsh? That felt a bit mean. Sorry. But THAT DOOR WAS ONE DAY AWAY FROM RETIREMENT.
Anyway it looks to us like they knew what they were aiming to grab. But a bit of us hopes they had no idea who they were robbing. We hope they saw a shiny new warehouse and thought “yeahhhh we about to be Made Men, sonnnn” and they went home with their ill-gotten loot, opened up the boxes, discovered they had grabbed 30000 condoms by accident, and were so stunned that they realized they depended on each other’s partnership to get over the trauma, quickly fell in passionate love, had no condoms left by the end of the week, and quit their life of crime to grow old together and renovate a charming guesthouse in New Orleans. That’s what LELO does. Dreamweavers, we are. Look out for our forthcoming erotic story, “The Wages of Sin: When Crime Pays… in the Butt.”
But whether they knew what they were doing or didn’t is for the long arm of the law to decide. Look out for our forthcoming erotic story: “Banged to Rights: Hard Time”. What matters to us is that, like all true romances, they weren’t satisfied until they came twice. Yeah that’s right. So happy with their first haul, and so pleased to discover our security guard Alan asleep at the wheel (yeah thanks ALAN, oh hey by the way Alan, your name is an amusing anagram and we laugh about it sometimes*), they came back, and in all seriousness, you won’t believe what they wanted this time. Watch the vid, details after.
What you see here is the same original rubber bandits returning for a second bite, and in doing so stepping up their criminal game, this time making off with a coooool 33 vibrating butt plugs and 48 Kegel beads. WHAT KIND OF PARTY ARE THESE PEOPLE HAVING. We could have done the sponsorship or something. A friggin’ invite might have been nice.
The good news is that with 30000 HEX™ condoms it’s 30000 times less likely that these miscreants will generate more of themselves. But 33 HUGO™ prostate massagers seems a little excessive even by Vegas standards.
And you know the dumbest part of this? We’ve JUST started a giveaway of a thousand of HEX™ condoms for FREE anyway. They could have just waited and asked for them like everyone else, instead of ruining the paintwork on a perfectly good SUV. The floodgates of free condoms are about to open. (Probably because the floodgates were left open by Alan. Yeah nice one Alan. Why don’t you go on, like, your fourth break this hour.)
But hey, with 33 HUGO™ prostate massagers, we suppose one thing is true: these slippery crims can happily go fuck themselves.
If you have any information that could help identify the criminals or lead to a safe return of the stolen goods, please contact the Las Vegas Police Department and we will donate the full retail value of the stolen goods to a charity of your choice.
See HEX™ in Action Below!
*Edit: the Boss has asked us to stress that this is actually not true. His name is Alain and is therefore not an amusing anagram of anything.
Katy Thorn is a post-grad writer with a passion for writing about sex, sexuality, and all things rated R. She received her degree in Women’s Studies with a focus in Intersectionality at the University of California, Berkeley (Go Bears!). She has a cat named Yoko, drinks too much black coffee, and hates writing bios.