Just a simple disclaimer before we get started here: this is not a list of the best blowjob techniques or nifty new sex positions to try (although if that’s what you want, you will definitely find what you’re looking for on this very blog). What we’re covering in today’s article is all the things that you – yes you, dear reader – might be overlooking in the bedroom.
Now, this isn’t an attack. We all are guilty of at least some, if not all of these sexual faux pas at one time or another. What’s key to overcoming it however is acknowledging that they’re even a problem in the first place. If any of the below points apply to you, how about a bit of introspection as well as a bit of advice to help you be the mindful lover your partner deserves.
#1 You’re not being clear
When it comes to sex, we all get caught up in our presuppositions of what we think other people are thinking and expecting from us. This can manifest itself in unintended consequences, like the outcome of not telling a new partner what sort of encounter we are truly interested in having, or not letting them know what feels good in bed.
Clear and open communication is the best way to avoid misunderstandings, in sex as it is in our normal everyday lives. A lack of communication is one of the biggest barriers to a fulfilling sensual experience. However, many of us still aren’t being perfectly clear with our partners, out of embarrassment or the vulnerability that comes with expressing what we want. Sure, you might turn some people off with your honesty, but those aren’t the people who were going to be right for you anyway.
#2 You’re not taking control
No two people are made alike, and everyone’s sexual anatomy is different. Of course, nobody knows your unique sexual responses like you do, in terms of your personal 3 P’s of pleasure: pressure, pace and place. You cannot assume that your partner knows how you like to be touched and stimulated, so taking control is required in order to let your partner know how you need to be touched and teased.
#3 You’re expecting your partner to do all the work
See #2. Your orgasm, in no small part, is your own responsibility. Your partner is there to help you along, but by no means is your climax totally on them. Take control of your own pleasure!
#4 You lack confidence
It’s true that we’ve all got out hang-ups when it comes to our own body image and our sexual self-esteem. Sometimes we point them out to our partners in a sort of anticipation to dull some kind of blow to our own self-image we think might be coming. Don’t do this.
Vocalizing these hang-ups to partners, specifically at a time when you are trying to feel sexy, empowers the issue to distract yourself from how desirable you actually are to them. Of course, your partner would not be in bed with you unless they found you irresistibly sexy as you are, so own it and enjoy yourself!
#5 You’re not being vocal
A loudly faked orgasm brings to mind a porno film with particularly bad acting, however keeping completely silent during lovemaking can be even more uninspiring.
Moaning, groaning – maybe a little yelp here or there – is an encouragement to your partner that they’re doing what you like. Not only does it guide them to please you better, but also turn them on even more!
#6 You’re not giving yourself to the moment
Try as we might, eliminating every single distraction from sex is a tall order. Whether you’re stressing about a current work project or wishing our neighbor would stop running their loud lawnmower, truly enjoying the sex your having means that you’ve got to be focused on the sex you’re, y’know, having.
Of course, you can’t turn off your brain, BUT you can try to redirect it. Think instead about all of the sensations you’re feeling on your body. Doing so will keep you mentally present and focused on the stimulation that is going on around you, and hey presto! You’ve just successfully hacked your own brain.
#7 You think there’s a ‘right way’ to have sex
Yes, you’ve found this advice article on a blog that’s full of posts about how to turn your partner on or the best ways to perform cunnilingus, but these are just bits of friendly advice, not a silver bullet to pleasing your partner. When it comes to sex and pleasure, there’s no defined sequence of events – or even practices – that make the idea of ‘good sex’ the same for everyone.
Instead of spending some much energy finding the ‘right way’ to have sex, focus on the qualities of connection and touch that come with being intimate. Make the priority on closeness, which bring us to our next point:
#8 You think that orgasm is the goal
If reaching orgasm were the whole point of lovemaking, then coming too fast would make you very skilled at sex indeed! Having an orgasm is just one part of the entire pleasure process. Be sure to make room in your sexual experience for all of the other joys it offers, like the pleasure that can be had from foreplay as well as building a deep connection with a partner.