why am i single

Why You’re Still Single, According to Dating Professionals

Being single is not a bad thing despite the fact that society dictates marriage, children, and the white picket fence.

In fact, being single can be very empowering. It can bring about a lot of self-awareness and the ability to work on oneself before sharing their life with another.

So whether someone is single by choice or because they’re having a difficult time finding a partner, the single life is not something bad nor something to be frowned upon. 

This article aims to look at the reasons why you might be single.

8 Reasons Why You Might Still Be Single 

1. You’re afraid of being in a relationship 

According to Myisha Battle, sex and dating coach:

“Fear is one of the top reasons I see people staying single. This includes fear of rejection, fear of starting an online dating profile, and fear of putting their intentions to be partnered forward.”

So, even though you may actively want a relationship, there’s something that’s holding you back. You may be afraid of getting hurt or what others think of you, for example. 

And for that reason, you feel it’s easier to sit back and wait for love to come to you or to make excuses like you’re “too busy” or focusing on yourself. 

2. Your standards are too high

“In some cases, the inability to find a suitable partner is due to overly high expectations,” says Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D. 

Perhaps you’re attempting the dating game with a long checklist, hoping that you’ll find the perfect person that ticks all the boxes. 

But the problem with that is—these high expectations make it almost impossible to find the “right” partner. 

Manly says: “If the bar is set too high in the hopes of finding the perfect partner, the right partner may be overlooked.”.

At the same time, your standards may be high because you’ve been so deceived or rejected in the past that you have an attitude of “All the good ones are taken.”

Often this could lead you to begin finding fault with everyone you meet or to continue having those unrealistic expectations. 

3. You don’t have key relationship skills

Perhaps you’re single because there are still relationship skills you have yet to learn. 

And this isn’t a bad thing! It merely means that you can begin to explore these lessons in order to find a suitable partner.

As Battle says: “Consider that there may be things you can work on as a dater.”.

For example, if you’re an insecure or jealous person, you may overcompensate by being clingy in a relationship. This could result in pushing a partner away. 

The key to learning new relationship skills is to identify these personal challenges and work through them.

4. You have unresolved trauma

Whether it’s from former partners or other incidents in your life, “unresolved trauma often gets in the way of finding a loving partner,” says Manly. 

Think about some of the relationships you have, such as with your parents or siblings. This could have a big impact on how you experience relationships today.

In fact, past trauma can manifest in your relationship as attachment issues, abandonment issues, or trust issues. 

“When we aren’t aware of our internal challenges or aren’t working to heal them, we often unconsciously push others away,” says Manly.

5. You’re a victim of societal bias 

Being single is probably not all your fault,” Battle says. “Dating can be an undeniable minefield, especially for minorities of any kind, fat folks, people with disabilities, etc.”

And even though a lot has changed over the years, there is still social bias that takes place today. 

Things such as sexism, ableism, racism, and fatphobia are still rife, which means that physical matching is not very fair in the dating world and beyond.

6. You are attracted to the wrong kind of person

This is mostly unconscious, but some people have the tendency to seek out relationships with those who aren’t right for them. 

This could be because they want to reinforce critical thoughts that they have about themselves or how other people have often treated them. 

For example, you may choose a partner who is emotionally unavailable without consciously knowing it. 

This then leads to yet another breakup that you put all of the blame on the partner in question. After this, you’re left with heartache, disappointment, and a feeling of rejection without realizing that you’re following a pattern.

And while this pattern is not ideal, it can be a lot harder to deal with the anxiety that accompanies letting go of old patterns.

7. You have a low self-esteem

In this regard, one’s critical inner voice is way more intense than the want to be in a fulfilling relationship. 

For example, you may believe that no one could ever be interested in you because you continue to use negative self-talk. 

I’m ugly. I’m overweight. I’m dumb. I’m too old,” are common ways that people experience low self-esteem and push people away. 

Some other ways that a low self-esteem can get in the way of finding a partner could include: being (socially) anxious, feeling too down or depressed to go out and meet people, or being unable to maintain eye contact.

Then, of course, if you do find yourself attracted to another, your low self-esteem gets in the way of you pursuing anything.

8. You fear competition

In today’s modern dating world, people are constantly in competition. 

There is a seemingly endless list of potential matches on your dating apps, and this could lead one to continue to search for someone “hotter” “smarter” “taller” etc. 

On the other hand, if you have a low self-esteem, you may stop yourself from dating in any capacity, believing that anyone could do better than you.

Essentially however, pushing through that fear to stop comparing yourself to others, and going for what you want often ends up worth it. You may experience a stronger sense of self and increase the chances of finding a relationship. 

Do you identify with any of these 8 reasons as to why you may be single? You’re not alone. 

And if you’re actively looking for a relationship, we hope that you can recognise your patterns and work through them to find someone who you completely deserve and desire.