How To Find The Right Person For Your Threesome

You’ve danced around it before, but you and your partner have finally decided to make the fantasy a reality: you’re going to have a threesome.

Congratulations! Threesomes are a common fantasy, and can be an extremely positive and exciting introduction to your bedroom. But how will you find the perfect third? Your dirty-talk scenario of seducing someone in French over martinis may not be the most realistic, so now what? Should it be a close friend, or a stranger? Should you hire a professional?

Right Person For Threesome

Well let’s dive in and explore the options. You’ve already discussed the specifics of what you both want, both in terms of gender and interactions that you’re ok with between all parties… right?

Ménage a Talk

It doesn’t matter if you long to be ravished by two men, or to explore your bicuriosity; it is important you and your partner are on the same page about expectations to avoid uncomfortable surprises and hurt feelings during the act. Decide on a signal or word for slowing down or stopping if either of you aren’t feeling comfortable. Some couples may love group play, but have certain acts that will stay off the menu with their thirds.

Alternatively, you or your partner may start with certain restrictions, but become comfortable with different acts over time. In either case, it is important to be respectful of your partner’s wishes and to involve each other in these decisions. Badgering them to do something they aren’t okay with will not make for a very sexy experience!

Friends With Benefits?

Alright, so you’ve had sorted out what kind of threesome you want to have and you’re both still as eager as ever. What kind of relationship do you want with your third? Will you feel more comfortable with someone you already know and trust, or will it cause awkwardness? Just as bringing up a threesome with your significant other risks changing the relationship, the same can go for friends. Try and think about past conversations you’ve had about sex and whether they’ve ever expressed in interest in swinging, or open relationships, for example? Are they likely to end your friendship if they’re not interested?

On the other hand, many first-timers prefer to bring in someone new so they don’t ever have to see them again. Sounds good, but how do you find a stranger who is interested, never mind one you find attractive?

A Stranger’s Just a Friend You’ve Never Met

We cannot stress enough: please don’t be that couple lurking in a lesbian bar and propositioning everyone who walks by. Unicorns, or bi women who want to play with couples, are called that for a reason!

joining-couples

Rather than trawling the bar scene (although, if you do meet someone there, by all means, play ball!) it is easier to screen people on dating websites or those catering to the fetish community. This allows you to check out potentials who you already know are open to joining couples. Be aware that community sites, such as Fetlife, are not the same as dating sites and are not necessarily designed for quickly browsing profiles for hookups.   They require a bit more searching for and participation in discussion groups, but are, however, a good option if you wish to avoid the membership fees associated with adult dating websites. While many advertise themselves as free to try, be prepared to have limited access to features without a membership.

Hook, Line & Swinger

fantasy

Once you’ve found someone who’s interested, it’s up to all of you to decide how well you want to get to know each other. Remember, your third is a person, not a toy! Your first concern might be the pleasure of your significant other, but be sure to include your third in the conversation to find out what they want and expect from the encounter. Remember figuring out desired acts and signals with your partner? Keep your third in the loop! It may take a while (even months) to find someone who is a good fit for your fantasy, but don’t get discouraged. Finding someone for a threesome should be a fun process you enjoy with your partner; think more flirty first date and less job interview. Who knows, you might want to start seeing this person regularly!

If you’re looking for someone experienced in the dynamics of playing with a couple, another option is hiring a professional. Now, just because they are a sex worker, do not assume that they will take charge (unless that’s what you’re looking for!) This is about what you and your partner want, so you should tell them everything you’ve discussed. Websites catering to the polyamorous or swinger community may have recommendations specific to your area.

Written by: Donna Turner

Donna is a Volonté contributor and freelancer who lives in San Francisco with her understanding husband and not-so-understanding teenage sons. Her work has been published in The Journal of Sexology and she is currently writing a book on love languages.

6 comments

  1. I was already involved with a beautiful lady, when her husband found out at first he was pissed then it was ‘his fantasy come true’ we are now a solid 3some. So where does that put me? Friends and lovers category? 😉

  2. Me and my mate talk about it frequently but can’t seem to find that right woman for the fantasy we want to try out

  3. To Fritzama, are you male or female? The beginning of your comment sounds like you’re a guy, but a fantasy came true for a husband… It’s misleading! Lol….

  4. That is an important question we need to think again and again: how to find right person for threesome? YOU should make sure your safe and the people are trust to meet and date offline.

  5. Communicate Communicate Communicate I can stress it enough before you meet. I have been seeing the same couple now for the last 18 months now ad its going very well. We met off the old Craigs list we emailed then chatted two weeks before we 1st met I spoke to her the most to make sure she was on board with it and that she was into it. Discuss everything up front so there are no surprises, what you want what they want and any rules. Meet in a public place 1st. It had gone incredibly well so far. The only issure is the distance they live from me ..more then an hour. But well worth the drive. I am a single mom and have been into the lifestyle over 10 years.

  6. Cindy love I agree with you Communicate is the key!! My boyfriend and I talked about a threesome . But I told him I wanted to try double Pentration . And he wants to have anal sex with me!! And he didn’t want another woman in our Bed!! He wants to please me.and he ask me what did I want ?! I told him I want to have a threesome with another guy in our bed. So him and I agreed on it . So my boyfriend ask did I know anyone .So we have a long time friend that we have know about two years.. So we talked to him about it.. And our friend agreed . So my boyfriend told him that he only was there to please me. So that Saturday we all decide to me at our home. So my boyfriend was so excited he was ready to have Anal Sex he had all his anal toys and lube ready!! So we all was in our bedroom Naked and started with a lot of foreplay. It’s feels very good to have four hands on your body. Licking and caressing your breast . I Never had my anal hoe licked before. It felt so good .. My friend laid on the bed with his big Swollen Cock. And I sit on top of his cock . Then my boyfriend enter my anal.. Using a lot of lube so it wouldn’t hurt me. Both guys started fucking me vagina and anal!! My boyfriend . Kept going in and out. Asking me is it good my boyfriend didn’t want to stop. He was working my anal good..finale he started Cuming!! The other guy finished my pussy until he had and orgasim. , hat a night!! So before you agree you must communicate. Next time my boyfriend said he want me try just anal were both guys take turns on my anal.

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