Swinging Tips and Advice For Beginners

This article was scientifically fact-checked by Human Sexuality expert Dr. Laurie Mintz.

Let’s assume you and your partner have had that initial conversation, in which you both expressed an interest in swinging. Congratulations, that’s usually the hardest part – talking about sex can be difficult.

Swinging For Beginners

Swinging is a brave and exhilarating way to revive your lovelife, and now that you’ve both agreed that it’s something you want to explore together, you might need some tips and advice about swinging itself: where to go, how to act, what to expect. Swinging, like many other forms of non-monogamy, is a roller-coaster ride and you need all the information you can get, because when it’s good, it’s great.

Where To Start The Swinging Lifestyle

For the first time swingers, the internet really is your friend. A lot of experienced couples become very adept at concealing their swinger lifestyles, so it can be hard to meet other swingers naturally. Your best friends could be swingers and you’d never even know it. However, there are masses of trustworthy and reliable swinging websites you can browse, all of which allow you to search for other couples, sex clubs and events by location. Set up joint accounts on multiple swinging sites and see which one returns the most interesting people, then focus on that site.

It’s All About Trust

But here’s one of the most important pieces of advice to remember: swinging is about trust, and that trust is particularly delicate in the early stages. Therefore, when you’re setting up an account, make sure the content reflects both of you, that you both contribute to its creation, and that you both have access to the account. Separate accounts breed distrust due to the ability to send and receive private messages to and from other members, and first-time swingers should have absolutely no secrets from each other.

What’s Your Flavor?

Good communication is key when you enter the swinger’s lifestyle. You need to talk in depth about what you’re both looking for before you start swinging, and you should be prepared to compromise and even make bargains with each other. For example, one of you might have your heart set on bringing another girl into your bedroom, while the other might want to meet another couple. Both of these sexual desires are equally valid, so be prepared to say things like “OK, this weekend we’ll meet another couple, but only if the following weekend we can invite that girl over”. (This makes it all sound very formal and humorless, but in practice, this is one of the most fun aspects of the swinger lifestyle.)

Similarly, you need to set your kink levels up front. Swinging clubs and events are generally quite sensual, vanilla affairs as far as BDSM is concerned, so if you’re looking to go to a club for an erotic spanking, you’ll have to look a little harder. They exist in abundance in most major cities though.

That said, be prepared for your interests to evolve in ways you don’t expect.

Clubs Or Couples?

Now, you face a tricky decision: where to actually start. You might have met a single or a couple online that you’re keen on meeting, but this is your first time swinging, so how do you move the conversation into real life? The first thing you should really do is go to a swinger’s party, or some kind of larger-scale swinger event. There’s a really simple reason for this: safety in numbers.

When there are lots of people around, it’s much easier to get a sense of how more experienced swingers interact with each other, and there is never, ever an obligation to join in any sexual activity if it doesn’t feel absolutely right. Lots of couples attend swinger parties simply to observe, and this is the best way to learn. It’s also the best way to meet other like-minded couples without any obligation.

This approach is a lot easier and more comfortable than agreeing to meet a couple you’ve only spoken to online. It’s standard practice in the swinging lifestyle to meet potential partners for drinks before a more sexual encounter, but even these meetings can be awkward, particularly if the people in front of you don’t measure up to the image they’d created online. At least at a party you can offer a polite refusal and speak to someone else instead. Definitely, definitely do not invite partners to your home before meeting them.

What Happens at a Swingers Club?

Swinger’s parties vary hugely from club to club, so it’s difficult to give you a singular idea of what any given one is like. One thing it’s not, though, is an orgy. An orgy is one big group of people having sex, swinging is more like lots of little groups. Swinging clubs generally have several rooms, often with different themes, each with a different activity and a different feel.

One room might be pitch dark where strangers are encouraged to touch and play without knowing who’s on the receiving end, another room might be for swapping partners, another room might be more for observation. It’s hard to say exactly what will happen, and that’s half the thrill of the night.

Check this out: Toy Tips for Beginners from Whips to Blindfolds

Swinging Club Rules & Codes

Different swinging clubs also use different signals and codes. Sometimes wristbands are used to communicate whether the wearer is available or not, or whether a particular couple is looking for a male, female or couple to join them. Some clubs use different colored drinking straws, while yet others reject the colors and instead encourage people to simply talk to each other to find out what they’re looking for. If you arrive and there’s any confusion at all, just ask someone. Swingers are friendly folk, after all, and it’s a good ice-breaker.

Speaking generally, it’s better to join a swinging club or attend a swinger’s event that requires a reservation beforehand, because it means the organizers personally vet all the attendees and work to make sure there’s a good mix of people in attendance.

And Most Importantly…

We touched on it earlier, but good, open communication between you and your partner is essential for a healthy swinging lifestyle. Jealousy and insecurity are real threats to a relationship when other partners are introduced, and you will both have to work hard with each other to make sure everything feels safe and trusting between you. The more you talk about your feelings and desires, the easier it becomes to talk about your feelings and desires. It’s a virtuous swinging circle.

Check this out: Is An Open Relationship Right For You?

Facts checked by:

Dr. Laurie Mintz

Dr. Laurie Mintz, Ph.D.Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., is a professor at the University of Florida, teaching Human Sexuality to hundreds of students a year. She has published over 50 research articles and is a Fellow of the American Psychological Association. Dr. Mintz also has maintained a private practice for over 30 years, working with individuals and couples on general and sexual issues. She is also an author and speaker, spreading scientifically-accurate, sex-positive information to enhance sexual pleasure.

Website | Academia | Instagram | Facebook

Written by: Katy Thorn

Katy Thorn is a post-grad writer with a passion for writing about sex, sexuality, and all things rated R. She received her degree in Women’s Studies with a focus in Intersectionality at the University of California, Berkeley (Go Bears!). She has a cat named Yoko, drinks too much black coffee, and hates writing bios.


  1. Would like to know how to find these clubs in our area ! How do we find these clubs

  2. Club peg yes

  3. When I lived in Ohio there was a super FUN club, but now where we are there isn’t much or if there is I can’t seem to find it.

    • It can be heard to get wind of a club in some areas, and also they often disappear as fast as they pop up due to pressure from local authorities and so on. Fetlife is probably your best source for local info.

      Good luck!

  4. We never participated in swinging before. We are going to hedonism II in june and have really been talking about what if? we now are both very excited and think we will enjoy it but are very nervous of course especially with the thoughts of how we will feel about it after we do it. We have had another woman have sex with my wife in front of me and it was tremendous. Still we are still very nervous about watching each other with the opposite sex. Any advice is appreciated

    • Thanks for the comment! Yes indeed, it’s an exciting time. If there’s one important thing to remember is that you’re not under any pressure, so relax, and remember that if you’re uncomfortable with anything no one’s going to judge you for saying so.

      Hope you have fun, let us know how it goes!

  5. We have found where clubs are by joining swinger websites. They then have group coordinators that let you know by email where it’s at as the locations change. Where we live (Itah) there are no actual clubs for swinging but they find clubs for swingers to meet and then have after parties.

  6. I am very new to this. Although I am married my Husband and I do not have Sex. But I do have a boyfriend and we both enjoy having good sex with each other… We have had threesomes. And I have enjoyed them. With females. But now we are thinking about having fun with another couple… Do Swinngers pratice safe sex as I would not want to catch anything bad…

  7. Are there any swingers groups for older couples. We’re in our late 60’s, newbies and haven’t been able to find others couples our age.

  8. For swinging try SDC.com or fab swingers.com…Katy…you should not be recommending fetlife for newbie swingers, it is for bdsm and fetishists, I would also completely disagree that clubs are a good place to start they can be very intimidating way to start swinging, get chatting online to a local established couple and go from there. Best piece of advice we got…stop over thinking it and just jump in!!!

  9. I live in California and we’ve got a couple groups we go to. Threw one at our house and another this wknd. I’m about a couple years in. Fun. Lots of ups and downs but I agree number one is trust and communication. With those two things it’s fun. Lots of fun.

  10. I have heard that all swingers are hard core and will not entertain people that just want to start off by soft swinging . I have seen a new web site Swingsoftly.co.uk and Swingsoftly.com so hooray someone has had the brains to help us newbies out . Looks like a new site so all you people who want to dip your toe and not go all the way let’s join up and support the new craze . They are giving away free membership for one year . Good luck guys and thanks for thinking of us soft swingers xx

  11. 46-year-old male looking for a girlfriend that will introduce me to the lifestyle of swinging

  12. My boyfriend and I have been talking about swinging and I’m really interested ,but I’m not sure where to start,i live in nyc ,I’m also self conscious about my body and very shy,all the movies I’ve seen everyone seems perfect..does anyone have any advice?

  13. Tiana, I am in the same boat as you. My partner and I are new to this and I am a lil over weight. And very body shy, but here recently, Ive just given in and said “this is my body and if they dont like it then they just dont” but at the same time Im sure there will be other women there who dont actually feel as comfortable as they seem with their bodies either. I say FAKE IT TILL YA MAKE IT, until you see how beautiful your really are.
    Peace Holly

  14. How do single males get to be involved

  15. Hey ted me and my gf are looking for someone to party with we are in our sixtys

  16. hi Dennis

    Do you live near MA?

  17. We are a Ohio couple having a hard time finding girls to join

  18. new to this like more info like to join, Would like to know how to find these clubs in our area ! How do we find these clubs

  19. I’m single ,I’d love to join that club,I live in belfast.

  20. Sherrell McHenry

    Iim very interested in being apart of a swinfer experience

  21. I’m interested to find out if it’s common to be turned on by hearing about your partner’s previous sexual experiences. I know it’s not the same a as swinging but I love hearing about my wife’s experiences before she met me.

  22. I am single older man in my 60s and have talked to my girl friend about joining a club of swingers. She says why you don’t love me no more? I said yes I love you but like to meet other people. and enjoy sex with them .I have been single for awhile and have had sex with another women before . I love sex and enjoy releasing my desires. I want her to join me . She is kinda chubby maybe why she does not want too. I always wanted to join a swinger club . Might have to make other arrangements

  23. Reading this article made me feel happy to see that there are more and more couples into swinging. My wife and I are into swinging for almost 6 years. We rarely go to swingers parties. Most of the times, we are chatting with people on swinginglove.club, we are going out and then inviting them to our house. It’s so much easier.

  24. My husband & I are newbies in Louisiana just exploring the possibilities. We are looking for bisexual couples. Is this common? We are both “straight” but are open minded and just want to explore in a safe environment with no pressure.

  25. Great tips for swingers. That is absolutely useful for beginners to swap sexual.

  26. Terence Waddell


    New to The lifestyle and must say I don’t know what took me so long to get involved! Orange County, CA

  27. My 33 year old boyfriend of 4 years wants to swing because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but he wants more experience. He has only been with a handful of women or less and he feels it’s important for him to sleep with more women.

    He said that if I feel uncomfortable he will drop it. I know he loves me and he is fully committed to me. But I am not sure if we can work out long-term. Do you think this is something he could live without if I back out?

    I am interested in the idea, but just for fun and no other specific reason. We both haven’t experienced it yet. I had a threesome with my ex, and cheated on my ex because I wanted more experience because I thought he was “the one”. I know that is dumb now that I look back on it. I lost trust even though I was the one that was not trustworthy. The emotional rollercoaster was dreadful. I am nervous about the possibility putting us in that situation. We both trust each other 100%.

    We are both very open and honest with each other. I think we have communicated everything there possibly is to talk about regarding this subject. I am ready to try it out, but I am scared of the experience ruining us. I am also nervous that I will only want to try once and that’s it and he will want more.

    We both don’t know the answer to this. We both just think we need to try it out and not think much about it now until it happens. We have gone to Temptation Resort in Cancun Mexico twice and nothing has happened. Also, we just booked an adult only camping trip in August during swingers week. I felt a little more pressure about booking that than booking Temptation, but realistically, if I don’t like it we can leave anytime.

  28. We are couple in mid 30’s… and based in Goa looking for seeking to meet couples … but how to contact or find someone or couple

  29. Newbies. Looking for a club to hang out and meet females in our area. Where do we begin??

  30. Looking for clubs in our area. Louisville, KY

  31. Couple wanting to explore soft swinging wanting to meet like minded couples that may be new to this like us

  32. I’m a single woman and I’m 60 years young, and I’m in and open relationship. And I have friends that have swinging party’s and I have been with woman and there husbands . And I have sex with two woman couple. I have had sex with two guys !! Swinging isn’t for everyone !! Some swinging is Soft and most are hard core!! I have had a couple that the man just wanted to watch me and his wife have oral sex and have Orgasims!!

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