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Of Kinks and Compromise: Sharing your Fantasies

While an overwhelming number of you report that you’re comfortable talking about your desires and curiosities with your partner, things can be a little bit harder when you’re just beginning a new relationship. Whether you’re interested in light spanking or something more hardcore, the way you introduce it to you partner can make all the difference to how it’s received.

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So how do you go about introducing a new partner to your desires and fantasies? They’re so much a part of you that sharing them can feel scary, and it’s very common to be anxious of rejection. Luckily, there are some ways to take the edge off these difficult sexual conversations…

The Moment of Truth

So, when do you bring up your kink? This can be tricky. It might not be first date conversation material, but you can see the logical problems with waiting until you’ve been dating for a few months before sharing your secret desires. You might think it works in your favor to wait until they already have strong feelings for you, but this may just spell more heartbreak for the both of you if they aren’t interested in your kink. You’ll have to use your judgment, but aim to bring it up at a point when you’re comfortable discussing sex with each other, but before things get too serious.

pressureIn terms of the right opportunity to broach the subject, it’s not a great idea to bring it up directly before or during sex. You might feel all the happy brain chemicals will make your partner more receptive to it, but it puts a lot of pressure on them to answer immediately with a yes or no. Particularly, if they don’t know a lot about your particular fetish, that’s quite unfair.

 

Patience is a Virtue

Remember that no matter how you’ve tried dropping hints, your partner may be surprised by the bomb you’ve just dropped, and may have limited familiarity with your fetish.

Let them ask questions and be patient about it. If you tell them you’re into bondage and role play and they immediately ask if you want to put them in a gimp mask, recognize that they’re just looking for the mental frame of reference they might have about your kink.

Put it all in Perspective

enjoyEven if your partner might not be into blindfolding and whipping you, they’re probably interested in seeing you enjoy yourself. Emphasize the way it makes you feel, and how you hope to make them feel when partaking in this kink with you. Certain aspects of Dominant/submissive play, for example, might sound strange and un-loving to someone not acquainted to it, so you’ll need to emphasize that definite enjoyment you get from it, as well as the safety and trust between partners that are intrinsic to BDSM.

When one door opens…

Even if the talk went well and your partner indicated they would be interested in trying it, they are probably feeling a little self conscious and nervous about trying something new, especially something that’s clearly very important to you. Take it slow, and be sure to check on their comfort during and after trying it. Giving gentle direction and encouragement will go a long way to helping them get enjoyment from your kink too.

…Another may close

guilt tripBut, you also have to be understanding if they just aren’t comfortable with it. This might spell sexual incompatibility or maybe not; it’s really up to you as the kink-haver to decide whether you can handle a relationship where a certain itch won’t get scratched. However, if it is a necessary aspect of a relationship for you, you can’t use it as a means to guilt-trip your partner, or as an excuse for cheating.

 

Conclusion

The best advice we can offer for tackling any serious relationship discussion is to be honest, and don’t go into it expecting confrontation or disagreement (hey, even the most vanilla-seeming people can be full of surprises.)

How have you tackled introducing your kinks and fetishes to a new partner? Reply below to let us know!

About Donna Turner

Donna is a Volonté contributor and freelance writer who lives in San Francisco with her husband and two sons. Her work has appeared in Psychology Today, Go! Magazine (Australia) and is regularly featured in the San Francisco Herald.

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