Getting a Woman Off With a Sex Toy Doesn’t Count… Duh!
Know the feeling when you have an itch in a hard-to-reach spot on your back, and you try everything within your power to relieve it? This involves rubbing the spot vigorously against a wall, grabbing a long stick of some sort, or even asking someone to help you out.
And when you finally do rid the itch, it’s immensely satisfying and leaves you with a feeling of content and happiness.
Now, ladies, think about your orgasm. You too can ‘scratch an itch’ via a number of different and innovative ways, be it a hand, a mouth, a toy, a certain speed, a certain rhythm etc.
And when you think about the fact that each individual, be it a man or woman, has their own specific likes and dislikes, it’s impossible to adopt the one-size-fits-all attempt when it comes to getting off.
Basically, having a favorite sex toy is just good practice. Do you want a mediocre orgasm or a mind blowing one? The latter, obviously.
Sad thing is, when it comes to the female orgasm, there are men who believe that using sex toys to make her come is like ‘cheating’, and thus doesn’t count. To that, I want to refer to an analogy I read on Psychology Today.
It referenced the fact that a skilled craftsman uses tools in order to create his masterpieces, but it is not these tools that make him skilled. The tools merely enhance the final result. And when translated to men who use sex toys with their female partners, the same applies.
So, for men who believe that it doesn’t count if you get her off using a sex toy… you’re actually a skilled craftsman with the power to be innovative and open-minded enough to use tools for the greater good.
Sex toys aside, it’s fairly well-known that men are super motivated when it comes to helping a woman reach orgasm. Why is that?
Is it because they’re selfless beings with no hidden agenda? Is it because of love and passion? Or is it because they’re trying to stroke their ego and maintain a certain level of masculinity? All of the above and more!
Perhaps this will help us to understand why some men are intimidated by sex toys…
Why Do Men Want Their Female Partners to Orgasm?
A Masculine Achievement
A 2017 study conducted by Sara B. Chadwick and Sari M. van Anders suggests that men are motivated to make their female partners orgasm because it’s seen as a masculine achievement.
In it, they gathered 810 men and measured their level of sexual self-esteem. They did this by having these men listen to four different erotic stories where they pictured themselves as the male in them. In some, the man was able to make his partner orgasm, and in others, they were not.
The results were that they felt more masculine with higher levels of sexual self-esteem when the outcome was a female orgasm.
The authors of the study concluded:
“Men who have sex with women clearly have a stake in women’s orgasms. But some of the ways that heterosexuality is playing out seem to be that, for some men, their interest in women’s orgasms is not really about women’s pleasure. Instead, for these men, women’s orgasm is actually about the men feeling good about their masculinity.”
They went on to say that “heteronormative masculinity is therefore a problem for men and for women, and needs addressing in personal and cultural ways”.
This study is an important one when it comes to the belief that making a partner orgasm with a sex toy doesn’t count. It reveals that, for some, the female orgasm isn’t about sexual liberation at all, it’s about a male ego boost. And this ego boost and feeling of masculine pride isn’t half as intense when tools have been used to assist them.
In fact, the authors of the study even proclaimed:
“If men will not hear a woman’s insistence that she does not orgasm, does not want to try to orgasm, or orgasms only via non-partnered stimulation, e.g. self-stimulation or toys, they may experience the absence of women’s orgasms as a personal failure or even a challenge.”
The bigger problem here, is women who feed into the male ego by allowing them to believe that they’ve made them orgasm (i.e. faking it). It was found that many women find themselves faking an orgasm merely for their male partner’s benefit. But where does that leave her? Unsatisfied.
Why Do Some Men Hate Sex Toys?
To flip things, why do some men hate sex toys? Well, as mentioned, many men believe that it feels like they’re cheating in the ‘game’ that is to make their female partner orgasm.
They want to believe that they’re 100 percent responsible for her orgasm because then they can be awarded with the above-mentioned masculinity points. But that’s not the only reason…
For some men, they feel as though a sex toy has the ability to replace them. After all, a man’s penis is often a symbol of their worth—the size, shape, and ability to get and stay erect. Porn only reinforces this, displaying women who appear to be floating on Cloud Nine when a man’s dick is shoved in their face (or elsewhere).
And then there’s the question of, why would a woman need a man when they have something that buzzes and dances so rhythmically that it’s like a beautiful piece of poetry being unfolded during heightened arousal?
Sure, sex toys are fantastic, and sure, they can do things that no human can, but that’s just the thing… a sex toy can’t do what a human can.
Humans crave intimacy, love, and passion. There’s an innate need to feel safe, nurtured, and embraced by others. Because of this, it’s simply impossible for a sex toy to replace a man. A sex toy is like an appetiser, something to wet your beak.
But then, how does a woman relay this to her partner?
How to Introduce Sex Toys into the Bedroom
By now, it’s fairly evident that some men may be sensitive when it comes to using sex toys in the bedroom. And the best way to move forward is for women to have the courage to talk about it.
By addressing the link between the female orgasm and high levels of masculinity, we can work to eradicate it. How can this be done?
Women, it’s the right time to sit down with your male partner and sensitively talk about your needs in the bedroom. If you’re prone to faking it, you could mention the fact that a high percentage of women find it difficult or impossible to climax during penetration. In this way, you can suggest new and different ways to enjoy foreplay together.
You too can mention the fact that a sex toy is simply an added bonus in the bedroom, and that his affection, stimulation, embrace, and emotional investment in you is the reason why a sex toy could never replace him.
According to sex therapist, Ian Kerner, choosing a sex toy for couples together is a great way to involve him in the process. He says:
“Occasionally letting the man ‘drive’ so that he can explore and develop his own expertise with the toy, can help him feel more in control.”
He also encourages couples to see sex toys as an addition to intercourse, not a replacement.
Initiating this kind of conversation with your male partner may work wonders when it comes to mutual satisfaction in the bedroom—a tryst that involves both the celebration of female sexuality, and the celebration of male masculinity.
At the end of the day however, the real issue here, it seems, isn’t the act of bringing sex toys into the bedroom, it’s the ability for women to be sexually honest. Wouldn’t you agree that it’s time for change?
Helena is a sex-positive freelance copywriter in her early 30’s from Cape Town, South Africa. She’s travelled and lived in various countries in Asia and Europe for almost a decade, and continues to live her dream — traveling the world independently as a copywriter. Having written for various companies and magazines within the industry, she has extensive knowledge in the field of sexual health, the escort industry, and sex toy marketing.