Stay Home Kamasutra: Top Sex Positions During Lockdown
Think you’ve just about explored every Kamasutra position there is? Think again. We’ve read your self-isolation erotica fantasies and gathered input from the struggles of lockdown to put together some of the most creative sex positions you’ve probably never thought about. They’re really sexy, and even more relevant. Keep scrolling.
1) The Modern Remake of Ghost With Patrick Swayze & Demi Moore a.k.a. The Four-Handed Sourdough Baker
Even if this steamy clay-spinning scene is overused and without a doubt mentioned when talking about spectrophilia, there’s no doubt it at least gives you some kind of warm and fuzzy feelings watching it (or at least makes “Unchained Melody” pop into your head). This position really captures the zeitgeist of 2020 and will continue to do so for a long time after this pandemic is done. Our priorities have shifted and we have started to investigate new skills necessary for survival… like bread baking. However, only the bravest and most passionate among us will dare delve into sourdough baking.
That same passion is the reason why this position exists. Watching your partner knead that dough must be one of the most erotically charged scenes ever, which is why in this position the kneading of the dough stimulates both partners, visually and physically. A note from LELO to all the four-handed bakers out there: once you’re finished, make sure that you two are the only ones partaking in that delicious loaf of love because hygiene.
2) Getting Solid Growth Projections a.k.a. Peaches and Aubergines Between Google Sheets
Self-isolating with a partner is not as easy as all the single and lonely people imagine. We won’t even get into the relationship part of it all. This position came to be after LELO got word of several cases where partners tended to make their other halves’ lives near impossible during their home office hours. One of the contributors to this list of positions described this pose as “I’m sitting on the couch doing growth projections in the light of recent market developments and my eyes keep wandering to where my partner is bending over repeatedly in an effort to give me a solid growth projection.”
Another confessed this is their favorite new position because it makes them more productive at work, like an incentivized carrot-and-stick situation, but sexier. That translated into 2020 lingo is something along the lines of peaches and aubergines between Google sheets? She says she’s never been so efficient at her job as she is when her girlfriend is waving her bum in front of her face. Home office: 1, regular office: 0.
3) Being One Moan Away From Unemployed a.k.a. Zoom Head
Perfect for all thrill-seekers, this position has been hailed by LELO as the worthy (and much safer) replacement for road head. When talking about safety concerns, road head is a very edgy predecessor to this position, but Zoom head is also no joke. The recipient will have to practice their poker face and reflexes, like hitting the mute button when things get a little bit too slurpy or when you need to let out a fake cough when you can’t keep down that approaching moan.
Here’s your challenge for today—try moaning with a straight face, and once you’ve done that, switch positions with your partner and try giving totally quiet oral sex. If by some miracle you’ve pulled off both, congrats, you’re not a human being.
4) Our Pet Is a Social Sciences Ph.D. Candidate a.k.a. The Reluctant Threesome
LELO is close to briefing their copywriters to create a script for a new rendition of The Secret Life of Pets following their humans’ extended stay at home… the stories these good boys and girls could tell us would surely blow our collective human minds. As much as we normally want to be able to read out pets’ minds, now we’re facing the risk of discovering the naked truth—what do they think of us when we’re having sex? We’re not ready for this.
LELO has received reports of pets scrutinizing their owners’ moves using the empirical research method of close observation. Or maybe we’re the ones who have learned a thing or two about how they do it on the discovery channel… like doggy-style? Sorry, we had to.
5) So Bored I Got Horny a.k.a. The One-Armed Browser
In the initial days of the work from home period, we got off on creating perfect little home office nooks in order to a) have a pleasant work environment, and b) obtain Instagram bragging rights. As the days slowed and then ground to a halt, LELO received reports of more and more individuals deciding to stay in bed and do their work from there. Why not? It’s comfy and way more convenient when you decide to binge on Netflix instead of writing up that report. There seems to be one tiny productivity issue in the way of turning your bed into your permanent home office though—The infamous Bored Horny. Capital letters and all.
Our reports show that people get horny when they’re bored and the self-isolating individuals have reported developing something akin to carpal tunnel syndrome from the one-armed browsing on their phones and laptops. This position is perfect for absolutely everyone, but make sure to give your poor hand the rest it deserves afterwards, and maybe, just maybe, clear the browser history off of your work laptop before you head back into the office.
6) Disenchanted Deep Meditative State Seekers a.k.a. IDGAF, I’ll Masturbate Instead
The internet is brimming with advice on how to achieve your inner peace and become your best mindful self during these strange and unsettling times. However, not all of that advice is a one size fits all situation. The only thing most of our readers managed to find in their search for the deep meditative state was a deep state of frustration.
The best method for relieving stress and venting frustration in a lockdown? You guessed it, masturbation. In the case LELO didn’t get the hint from crazy traffic on their site, they certainly got it when their customers flooded the brand’s customer care unit with questions about the best toys with the longest battery life. We can totally get behind that.
Donna is a Volonté contributor and freelancer who lives in San Francisco with her understanding husband and not-so-understanding teenage sons. Her work has been published in The Journal of Sexology and she is currently writing a book on love languages.