what to ask new partner before sex

Here are 10 Sex-Related Questions to Ask Your Partner

When you first start dating someone, there are many questions to ask your partner. What their favorite food is, how they grew up, where they see themselves in five years… You want to know it all. 

One thing most new couples avoid is having honest conversations about sex and asking questions about each other’s sexuality before being intimate for the first time. But asking your new partner sex-related questions is also important in getting to know them. 

Why Discussing Sex in Detail Beforehand is Beneficial 

Talking about sex is still taboo in many cultures, so we naturally avoid these types of conversations early on in a relationship. However, asking the right questions has important benefits that might determine the future of your relationship: 

  • You learn if you’re compatible: when you talk about sex with your partner beforehand, you’ll learn if you like the same things and if you have a similar mindset regarding sex.
  • Sex will be better: once you share your fantasies, turn-ons, and kinks, you’ll be able to pleasure each other much better when you finally have sex.
  • Building intimacy: honest, non-judgmental conversations about your sexuality can be a way to build intimacy and connect deeper with each other.  

10 Questions To Ask Your Partner Before Having Sex for the First Time

If you’re in a new relationship and are ready to get to know your partner on a more intimate level, here are ten questions to ask your partner before you have sex for the first time: 

1. “What Are Your Favorite Sexual Fantasies?”

Sharing sexual fantasies with your new partner can be a great way to learn more about each other’s sexuality. Fantasy doesn’t equal reality, so you can safely discuss what turns you on the most. 

If you’re not sure how to start, you might want to consider using some sort of medium to start this conversation. Share erotica you’re reading, a movie scene, or even a porn video with your partner that fulfills one of your sexual fantasies. 

It will allow you to discuss something without admitting that it’s something you desire if you’re shy about it, but rather something you both discuss and share opinions about. 

2. “What Sex Toys Do You Own?”

Asking your new sexual partner about their sex toy collection is a great way to learn what kind of lover they are. If they have a few in their collection, you know they’re open and confident in their sexuality and exploring different things in the bedroom. 

And if they don’t, you can ask them why that is and find out something new about their personality and sexuality that is important before you commit to a sexual relationship. 

3. “What Do You Think About Oral Sex?”

Oral sex can be a controversial topic. Asking your new sexual partner how they feel about it can be a deal-breaker for any relationship. It might sound harsh, but if you love receiving oral and your partner is repulsed by it and never does it, it might be something that sooner or later causes an issue. Especially if your partner expects you to pleasure them orally while they don’t want to share that same intimacy with you. 

4. “What’s Your Stance on Anal Sex?”

As with oral sex, anal sex can be something worth discussing beforehand. Some people love anal sex, and being with a partner that doesn’t enjoy it might be difficult to work out in the long run. 

5. “Do You Enjoy Surrendering Control?”

Having a whole BDSM dominant/submissive conversation at the start of a sexual relationship when you’re unsure if your partner is vanilla or not might be too much. But subtly asking your partner if they would rather be in control in the bedroom or would like you to take control is a good place to start.

The standard to this day is that the man is usually the one that takes control in the bedroom; however, it might not be the case with your partner. Figuring out the power dynamics in the bedroom can make things more pleasurable and alleviate the pressure of who should lead. 

6. “If I Were to Do This and That, How Would You Feel?”

A great way to test out the waters of what your partner likes is by asking the question, “What if…?” Here are a few examples of how exactly to form a question: 

  • What if I blindfolded you during sex and told you not to touch me until I gave your permission, how would you feel? 
  • What if I ask you to pull my hair while in doggy style position, what would you do?
  • What if I put my hand over your neck during sex, how would you react?

You can ask any question that interests you in this form because it gives you the freedom to discuss a hypothetical scenario while gathering useful information about your partner’s sex habits. 

7. “What are 5 Things You’d Like Me to Say to You When We’re Intimate?”

Dirty talk is hot. But it might take a bit of warming up to it if you’re shy and if you’re with a new sexual partner. A great way to introduce the topic of dirty talk and figure out how your partner feels about it is by asking them what things they would like you to say to them during sex. 

There will be something that you both can share. Use it when you have sex and later ask your partner how it felt. And from there on, the door to steamy dirty talk is wide open. 

8. “List 5 Places You’d Like Me to Kiss”

Outright asking your partner what they like in the bedroom is the best way to ensure that you please them how they want to be pleasured. With a new partner, you might feel shy to ask directly which sex position they prefer, so you might want to start with a question about their favorite places to kiss. 

Once they name the places to kiss, you can spice things up and formulate the question to allow you to learn other sexual habits of theirs. 

Also, another reason why this question is great is that it might help you start building the sexual tension between you two. Once they give you their places to kiss, you can tease them by running your fingers over those places, letting them know how eager you are to kiss them there. 

9. “What Unconventional Things do You Enjoy?”

This one is for the bravest of them all! If you have a comfortable relationship with your new partner, you might want to ask outright what are some of the most unconventional things they want to do in the bedroom. 

Chances are, they might tell you that they’d like you to pee on them (it’s a rather common one, believe it or not), which might or might not be your thing. If it is, great! You opened the communication to an exciting new world of kinks.

And if not… Well, there is always more fish in the sea. 

10. “What are Your Hard No-Gos?”

Learning each other’s sexual boundaries before you first have sex is crucial for a safe and consensual experience. You or your partner might have sexual trauma that might affect how you or they react to certain things, and you both must know how to deal with a situation if something does not go as planned. 

In general, nobody needs to disclose the details they’re not comfortable with, but establishing boundaries like “hair pulling is a no-go during sex because it makes me feel unsafe” or “I don’t feel comfortable having sex in a Doggy position because of something that happened to me in the past” is a good enough way to set a ground for respectful and safe sex.