5 Golden Rules for Having Sex with Your Ex
The main reason we at LELO all pile to our favorite Thai restaurant for lunch is the familiarity and security of knowing more or less what to expect. The same applies when you decide to have sex with your ex. But while revisiting the glory of a former flame is undoubtedly a tricky (but delicious) situation, there is something curiously magnetic about slipping back between familiar sheets. There are however, a few golden rules to make the whole thing as hassle-free as can be.
1. Wait a While
This is an important one, as allowing time between your break up and considering the whole ‘friends with benefits’ thing will give you the chance to assess your feelings and whether or not this is actually a good idea.
You may have had the smoothest and most mature break up known to man, maybe it was your idea, maybe it wasn’t, or maybe more than just the two of you got smashed in the process. Either way, with emotions and urges running high, jumping back into bed with your ex five minutes after you broke up might seem like a good idea, but be patient and take your time, you’ll thank yourself further down the line.
2. Steer Clear of Memory Lane
If you’re rustling up new recipes to get yourself some play time with a past partner, nostalgia is an ingredient best left at the back of the kitchen cupboard. The brain tends to be pretty choosy about the memories it decides to cling on to so if you and your ex start reminiscing about the good old days, they may actually start to seem a lot better than they actually were at the time. This is dangerous and best avoided so keep it in the present.
3. Converse Carefully
If you’ve started a little casual sexting, or you find yourselves idly chit-chatting pre or post-deed – things of this nature – keep in mind that you broke up for a reason, and depending on how long you’ve been apart, a lot of water has probably passed under a lot of bridges since you last hooked up.
New twists to an already strong emotional cocktail could potentially lift the lid on a Pandora’s Box of resentment, jealousy and just general bitterness that is better for all if left unopened. Keep conversations light and agreeable, rather than diving into recent dating history or future hopes and dreams.
4. Resist Old Habits
While what you already know about your ex prevents you from fumbling around with each other like a dog with a Rubik’s cube, you should leave those tried and tested routines strictly between the sheets.
Forget the TV shows you used to watch, the restaurants you used to eat at and anything else you used to do together, as the constant reminders will make it feel less like just sex and more like it was back in the dysfunctional old days.
If it feels oh-so-natural to curl up post-coitus for a spooning snooze, for example, it’s probably best you make sure you see yourself home to sleep alone.
5. Keep the End in Sight
It’s called a break-up because something is broken and sex is unlikely to fix all the problems that got you here in the first place. Whether the casual-for-a-while idea was yours or not, and irrespective of how much fun it is, the whole thing needs a best before date, or it’ll stink up your life for way too long.
The end game should always be the two of you moving on. So sex with your ex is as easy as it is difficult and as fun as it is frustrating. Confused? Yeah, us too. While keeping up with your ex may seem like a good way to keep yourself from rebounding because you’re missing intimacy, the distraction of even the most casual attachment to your ex could cloud your eyes from sunnier horizons when it comes to getting on with your life.
For Lea, what once was “a European summer abroad” turned into traveling the world and studying sexual cultural differences for the past 6 years. She has a PhD in Gender & Sexuality and has a theory that dating guys in their twenties is an unpaid internship. She’s currently writing from a cafe in New Zealand.