What’s the Deal with Demisexuality?

Have you ever felt just a little bit different when it comes to how you feel desire for other people? 

While gender, sexuality and desire will never feel exactly the same for any two people, some of the common cultural narratives we have exist because, well, they’re common. But, those ‘common’ experiences of love and sex may be widespread, but they definitely don’t speak for everyone. Increased dialogue about non-cis or non-heterosexual experiences has led plenty of people to find out there are in fact other people like them, including demisexuals. But what is demisexuality? We’re glad you asked!

demisexuality

What is Demisexuality?

Demisexuality is often considered to be closer to asexuality on the scale of experienced desire for other people, but there’s still quite a difference. Demisexual people can and do feel desire for others, but only once they have already formed an emotional connection.  

Plenty of people may feel they prefer to keep sex (however you choose to define it) as something they do with committed, romantic partners. However, choosing to have sex later in a relationship isn’t quite the same as not feeling attracted to someone with whom they don’t have an emotional connection. Think about it this way – you can decide to save sex for marriage, but still get turned on every time you see your favorite actor getting steamy on screen. Demisexuals, however, don’t!

Dating while Demisexual

While we think the openness with which people treat sex in their dating lives has led to increased ability to get what you want out of your sex and/or romantic life, it might not always feel like it for our demi pals. The idea that sex, if you want to have it, is readily available means that many folks would take someone’s initial lack of sexual interest to file them away in the friend category. Not much fun if your sexual interest develops later! As with much of our love and sex advice, it really boils down to communication and being informed. Obviously, you shouldn’t assume that a demisexual person you’ve just met is bound to fall in love and lust with you given enough time, but if you’re interested in them, it pays to be a little patient. And, unlike low libido, there’s no reason to assume that your relationship with a demisexual person will have low sex-per-week rate, once that connection is formed!

Written by: Lea Marsden

Lea Marsden
For Lea, what once was “a European summer abroad” turned into traveling the world and studying sexual cultural differences for the past 6 years. She has a PhD in Gender & Sexuality and has a theory that dating guys in their twenties is an unpaid internship. She’s currently writing from a cafe in New Zealand.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.