How to Get Out of Your Head During Sex

The single biggest obstacle people face in the bedroom is being too much in their heads — because that’s what’s behind basically every other sexual issue. If you’re thinking or worrying during sex, this can lead to difficulty getting aroused, orgasming, and truly connecting with your partner. 

get out of your head during sex

If this is an issue you’ve been dealing with, you’ve probably tried to just snap out of it, but it’s not that simple. With all the pressures society puts on sex, it’s hard not to be in your head sometimes. Worrying about how you look, how good a lover you are, or whether you’ll get aroused or orgasm (which tends to be a self-perpetuating cycle) are all common. 

There are a few strategies, however, that can help get you out of your head and into your body during sex, and they’re not that hard to use. Here are a few techniques to combat over-thinking in the bedroom. 

1. Listen to sex meditations

There are actually meditations created specifically to help you gain awareness of your body and quiet your mind during sex. The meditation app “Inscape” has sets of recordings designed to help with mindful sex for men, women, and solo sex. And they’re not just the boring “sit cross-legged” kinds of meditations — they include breathing exercises, self-touch, and other activities that are actually fun to do. 

2. Engage your whole body

We often get hyper-focused on the genitals during sex, but it’s easier to stay in your body if all of it’s engaged. Learn what your turn-ons are, whether that’s touch on your neck, nipples, lower stomach, hips, or thighs, and instruct your partner to linger on those places. You can also try techniques like breast massage to engage your whole body during self-pleasure.  

3. Use dirty talk

Nothing gets you into the moment during sex like narrating what’s happening. If dirty talk sounds nerve-wrecking, you can start with something simple like “that feels so good” or “I love when you…” and build from there. Once you get comfortable with it, you can try more advanced practices like role-playing. Have a conversation with your partner about each other’s fantasies so that you can use dirty talk that turns you both on. 

4. Tune into your sensations

Practicing mindful awareness of the different sensations you’re feeling can help amplify them. During sex, ask yourself questions about what you’re feeling — for example, how would you describe the sensation: Heat? Tingling? Pressure? Is the sensation more on the right or left side of your genitals? Cultivating awareness may also mean being honest with yourself and your partner and speaking up if something doesn’t feel good. 

It’ll be easier to do this if you practice mindfulness in other areas of your life. For example, when you’re in the shower, pay attention to how the soap and water feel against your skin. If you make a point to do this throughout the day, it’ll become a habit so that you’ll automatically do it in the bedroom, rather than having to force it.

5. Incorporate your fantasies into your sex life

One reason many people get stuck in their heads during sex is that, through masturbation and/or porn, they’ve gotten used to relying on specific fantasies to turn themselves on. You can bridge the gap between your fantasy life and your sex life by bringing your fantasies (or certain aspects of them) into the bedroom. If there’s something you always fantasize about, whether that’s blowjobs, power play, or soft sensuality, see if your partner wants to try it. You can also use dirty talk to express dynamics that turn you on — for example, if you like being dominated or worshipped, you and/or your partner can say things to convey those sentiments. 

6. Explore tantra

A lot of tantric practices are geared toward getting you into the moment and connected to your partner. One simple tantric activity to try is to sit cross-legged with your knees touching, gaze into each other’s left eyes, and have one of you breathe in while the other breathes out. Another one is genital massages, which can help the person receiving relaxation without any pressure put on them. 

7. Start off sensual

Before becoming sexual, linger in the sensual realm, whether you’re alone or with a partner. Light candles, take a bath, give each other massages, or use arousing fragrances. The more you’re in your body before sex starts, the easier it will be to get into your body during sex.  

Written by: Suzannah Weiss

Suzannah Weiss is a freelance writer whose work has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, New York Magazine, and elsewhere. She writes and speaks about gender and sexuality and coaches people on having better sex. She is a certified sex educator and studied Cognitive Neuroscience, Gender and Sexuality, and Modern Culture and Media at Brown University.

One comment

  1. Good reminders. Thank you.

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